Wow! I just read my whole diary. I like it. It is motivating, at least for me. I’d forgotten some of those feelings I’ve mentioned. Writing them down when they happened was essential; I could never reconstruct certain events and emotions exactly as they occurred. I’m glad I read those pages. I needed the boost.
Less than two hours ago, I committed the “ultimate” sin. What could that be, you wonder? I ate, and thoroughly enjoyed, a lemon-cream-filled Van Duyn chocolate. Ahhhh! I didn’t eat it because I was hungry. I ate it out of anger… and because some jerk in my family had left it lying around!
I’ve felt myself weakening the last few days. Steadily dropping those ugly pounds is essential to continued commitment to dieting. That’s why I was reading my diary. I need the support it gives me. Also, Allen has been radically inconsistent in meeting with me daily. I’m not blaming him for my obesity, but, boy-oh-boy, is his support crucial to me and my diet.
Rebecca said she is happy at her weight. I find that hard (hairline from impossible) to believe. But even if she is, I’m not. I’m miserable. I want to be svelte. I want to go swimming. I want to do exercises without hearing my own blubber slap against my body. Have you ever heard that ghastly sound? You are lucky if you have no idea what I’m talking about. It nearly causes me to retch with disgust. My stomach actually bounces against the top of my legs and slaps me when I run.
I need help! It’s a little frightening that whenever I call upon God for any help, it seems I inadvertently awaken another force. Its influence is strong. I hesitate to say “the devil”; that sounds so fanatical. But the universe is full of opposing forces. And my firm belief in God compels me to accept the ugly reality of the devil.
Many times these past few weeks, I’ve been inclined to say my prayers. But I have put the thought quickly from my mind, thinking I would do so in a few minutes. The prompting has come like incessant little pinpricks, and yet I’ve ignored or put off each little poke. I must continually seek God’s help through prayer. I will not allow myself to forget. I want to succeed.