True Story...picture this...
Monday afternoon in Italy, Rome.
But first let me explain how we got here.
Dad, the inventor and creative guy, really got encouraged by his bosses in London because he sold them on a new invention of his, a self-sufficient living mushroom and plant kit for inside and outdoors.
His bosses were thrilled about the idea of planting an inside herb garden that contains many variations of plants, leaves, vegetables, mushrooms and fruits.
Dad's bosses loved the idea that one can grow an all-natural and clean garden (just in case something bad happens with the environment) to always have a fresh supply of tasty veggies and fruits. Dad even sold them on a secondary effect benefit that comes with these lovely gardens because consumers can even produce their own organic and plant-based green weed smoothies that are good for the health.
Dad was so cheerful and happy, too, because his favorite self-sufficient living quote that he is constantly repeating to the regret of Mom finally worked its magic.
Ah, you wanna know the quote? Here you go:
"I have fruit trees. Cows for fresh milk, yoghurt. My own wheat. I'm basically self-sufficient. -- Imran Khan
By the way, repeating this quote like a mantra on a daily basis also has been helping Dad become inspired about self sufficient living which in turn ultimately gave him the idea for the organic mushroom kit and this is how everything got started with Dad's new invention.
Here is exactly how we made it from London to Rome.
Sunday, early evening in a London hotel room - picture this:
Dad comes running inside our luxury hotel room and embraces Mom with a big fat smack.
Instead of giving her the first chance to tell him about the funny shopping trip that she experienced, he absorbs all our energy and bursts out: "I have finally sold my self-sufficient plant, mushroom and veggie kit invention to the sharks of Walmart!
Didn't I tell you this morning, honey, that London is the city where the finaces are managed?
Anyway, this is such exciting news and they all listened to my fine tuned presentation like I was some kind of genius or Einstein.
At the end, I even sold them on some additional secondary health benefits for the body and brain.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo thrilled and excited that my pitch worked on them.
Do you see now that my inventions are being taken seriously by the financial world, honey?
Kids, El Ninjo, babe we are celebrating this London event.
I thought about how we can honor this cheerful happening and have an awesome surprise for you.
Next time I will sell them on some green finger car concept because I know that the no-gasoline car evolution is coming right along, too. I can almost smell it!
Clean cars, clean air, clean body, clean brain and clean flair! Honey, kids what do you think about that slogan?
Well, something to the effect of this, but I still have to work on the pitch.
For now, I am going to have a big surprise for you all!
We are not flying back home as planned, but let me treat you with this: All ways lead to Rome, baby!
I have booked all of us to go to Rome by plane and we are leaving tomorrow."
All of a sudden Mom's face lits up because she hears the sound of sexy Italian Ferraris, Gelati, Pizza, Valentino, Gucci, Prada and Spaghetti.
She completely forgets to tell Dad about her own adventures in the afternoon and the amount of money that she just spent on English designers. Instead she is encouraging all of us to quickly pack our stuff.
The next morning a beautiful traditional black London cab takes us to London Heathrow airport and we are on our way to Italy, Rome.
Our destination quickly changes from a rainy and dark type of environment to a sunny, shiny, bright, noisy and colorful way of life.
The Romans are greeting us with a heart warming "Ciao" and an air full of loud sound and gassy steam puffed out by their tiny stinky cars and Vespas.
As I enjoy the feel, I am absolutely positive that I will find the perfect place here in Rome to mark my own turf.
I am thinking, maybe a typical, pastel colored Gelateria with lots of funny sing song Italians who are talking louder in real life than I imagined.
I am sure that I will figure out some fun farty ways!
Guess what!
The very next day we are visiting a lovely Gelateria in the centre of Rome. It is in a beautiful and historical building. We have to take the elevator to get to the Gelateria Roma that is located on the 5th floor.
As my folks are still enjoying the afternoon in the Gelateria Roma, I prefer to check out the neighborhood on my own. I need to get some air anyway because these Italian ladys have the habit to mix perfumes like crazy.
This smell is just killing me and my fine nose, too.
I am having fun in the elevator because the Italian elevators are just so old fashioned. Oh yeah, not to mention these Italian crowds that are running around like looney bins.
Let me just begin to tell you what I am witnessing during my Italian elevator adventure.
I am sitting there and watching the following scenery:
A "Bella Italiana" comes into the elevator after she had coffee on the 5th floor inside the Cafeteria & Gelateria Roma.
She is in her 20's and the quirky Italian boy she is with, too. They get on holding hands...sweet I am thinking.
The boy says: "Bella Vita - I am so happy we met last night, I really like you!"
I am thinking the word damn is just sort of his own way of talking the Italian way...nothing offensive because this is the expressive type of talk.
She is saying: "Really! -- me too!"
The "Bello Italino" boy says: "So I can call you again "Bionda"? I like you and we seem to have a lot in common, don't you think?"
Bionda means blond girl and it is meant as a compliment not as an insult.
"Bella Bionda" says: "Sure no problem!"
He says: "Damn it...Super..Funny thing though ..."Bella Bionda" you were much more attractive last night without the light."
The door opens on the 4th floor.
She says: "I hate you!" She is dropping his hand and is running out of the elevator.
As she runs out she screams: "Do not call me under any circumstances!"
He makes himself comfortable next to another "Bella Bionda" inside the elevator and says: "Damn it, I messed up again ugghhh! This always happens to me in elevators. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I really liked her!"
Too funny these Italian people, and I go on watching more of these funny elevator episodes.
I am also thinking that the elevator is going to be the perfect place for my thing. One word: Flatulence Perfection!
As I am mentally preparing my flatulent attack in the elevator, I am reasoning: "Italy without Gelati and Cappuccino - no way!"
I wonder if Mom, Dad, Susie and Timmie are still enjoying this Italian deliciousness. I feel pressed for time so here is my plan.
All I see is that these Italian crowds are eating way too much Pizza and Gelati and on top of things they are choosing the easy button to move from point A to B.
They are even too lazy to take the steps and work off some calories.
Well, I will give them a good lesson that they will never forget.
Let's let the fun begin because I still have a little time to kill.
Once a good bunch of people is assembled inside the elevator on floor 5, I am extensively breathing in to fill my tummy full with air.
I can feel the rumbling in my stomach and the gassy air starts building up.
As I can feel the flatulent pressure from inside, I simultaneously press the "Garage" button on the panel inside the elevator and push the biggest fart cloud out of my gassy bottom so that the whole elevator is filled up with this blue colored looking and stinky smelling cloud.
Hopefully, the obnoxious "Donna" (donna means lady) with the "Fragola Gelati" (fragola gelati means strawberry ice cream cone) is going to understand my message, too!
She sure as heck needs some sports activities instead of: "comprare, comprare, comprare and mangare, mangare, mangare!" (comprafe means shopping and mangare means eating).
Lazy people like this are punished by my smelly "Profumo" (profumo means perfume) and in this case my punishment is called the "Blue Hour In The Elevator."
This is my greeting of goodbye!
As the fart cloud comes to the peak of its stinky smelly whiff, I quickly manage to run out of the elevator before the doors close again.
On floor 5, I can still hear their shocked and outraged voices that are full of exotic sounding cuss words as they are softly gliding inside the elevator's smelly and flatulent blue winds down to the ground.
Yes this fart goodbye is meant as a punishment for lazy elevator takers.
Know that these people do know about this smelly unappetizing experience in the elevator, I am hoping that they will take the steps the next time!
Taking the stairs is healthier and makes you fit, and taking the stairs will also help prevent another "Blue Hour in the Elevaotor" experience.
This is the feel that I like and having managed this classy stroke, I will check up on my family to see where else my jokes are needed...
Audiobook:
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