Don't you just love it when some random strangers are saying: "Oh, this puppy is soooooo cute. I want one like this!"
As these privacy offenders are telling the whole world about their discovery, they start groping you or fumble with any of your body parts. This totally pisses me off and I hate these nut heads.
My recent groping experience happened a few days ago with a guy named Bertrandoo who got invited to one of Mom's dinner parties.
I will tell you about this story with Bertrandoo in a few seconds.
These groping acts do happen a lot to me lately, and I hate it when a complete stranger comes up to me
and starts groping me.
I know what I am talking about. My Mom loves to host these luncheons and dinner parties that Dad and the kids hate with a passion.
I am not a massive fan of these parties neither. The only benefit that I can think of are the leftovers. Yeah, this crowd of total nut heads also called guests are only accepting Mom's invitations because Mom has the best caterer in town with real gourmet food and the whole nine yards.
I am complaining about this nonsense parties because I am the troubled one that gets offended by these stranger weirdos.
Yeah, the bad-mannered spilling of the delicatessen food on the floor might be a benefit, but it is not making up for the fact that I am getting freaked out by these groping strangers.
No, these Weirdo parties are not good times for me and these groping strangers need a lesson for life.
I love this particular hand stinker fart episode because it is helping a good cause and a universal cause: the privacy of a pet around the globe!
If random strangers are groping you because they think you are cute, the hand stinker will be your line of defense.
Let's give these so called "pet lovers" a real good lesson. I always like to choke down an extra dose of the bean left overs from the day before because the more flatulent legumes I can eat before the party is going to get started the better the results are going to be.
I guess that's it for prep work.
Now let's get to the nitty gritty of the hand stinker.
As Mom welcomes all her guests, I am sitting down at a strategic point in the room from where I am able to attract lots of admiration.
It is best to do this gag when the room is filled with strangers. Make sure your family is not around. Trust me, the hand stinker would reflect bad on them!
Here is the process for the hand stinker:
Step 1:
Eat a dose of extra flatulent beans before the party gets started. Make sure that your tummy is bloating and looking like a balloon before it bursts.
Step 2:
Get yourself into a strategic position with lots of roaring guests around you.
Step 3:
Make eye contact and give one of the suckers an extra cute look to get the ball rolling.
Step 4:
Make sure to inhale the maximum of air to ensure a quality airflow
Step 5:
Clench your teeth and wait for the perfect moment to release one moist series of jumbo vapor clouds into the hands of the privacy offender.
Step 6:
Squeeze until you have exhausted every ounce of gas.
In my case, the privacy offender's name was Bertrandoo. Yes, it is spelled correctly and with two "o". I think it is a French name or something weird like that.
Bertrandoo? What a name - Hahahahhahhahahahahahahah!
I mean, really? C'mon people give your kids at least a serious name that will reflect well on them when they are grown ups!
No wonder these guys become maniacs and are groping pets as a result of the bad name choice!
You wanna know about this Bertrandoo nut cracker?
Ok, let me tell you what is happening at this party:
As the party is going started, I am spotting this ridiculous nut with this thick French accent, and I truly can't believe Mom's social skills.
Anyway, I am eager to teach this nut head a lesson of my own.
I am going to make sure that the chick that he is about to impress with his half French and half English stupid sounding pick-up lines is never going to want to see Bertrandoo with two "o" ever again!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Bertrandoo with two "o" just thinks he is so cocky and irresistible but wait until this Frenchman will feel nature's calling on him!
Here we go! Bertrandoo is running out of lines and thinks why not impress this chick with some animal love.
I am mentally ready for the farty hand blower, and as he is groping me, I am streaming out every ounce of gassy air that I can give in one roaring booooooming sound.
I am releasing a series of the sweetest smelling rotten gas clouds into the palms of Bertrandoo's hands.
It is crucial to apply a lot of pressure to make the airflow work.
Here is what is happening next.
As I am getting groped, the rotten egg clouds are bursting out of my bean burping bottom and into
Bertrandoo's palms with a boooooooom! booooooom! booooooom! sound.
I guess Bertrandoo has never smelled such a bean stinking whooooopper in his hands, probably not even in France!
Remember to materialize the air so that it becomes the half poopy and the half humid and steamy cloud style!
Hahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahah - Can you imagine the look on Bertrandoo's face!
I mean being called Bertandoo is an offense in its own right but being called Bertrandoo plus having to account for a soiled pair of palms is a true punishment!
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
Bertrandoo, abruptly done with the groping act is running off like a wild pig. This guy is not going to be another threat for this party again because he is going to knock himself out with the bar of soap for the rest of the night!
No worries girls, this Frenchie will not be bothering you again because he is going to pass the rest of his night in the bathroom, trying to wash the hand stinker off of his hands.
Good luck, getting rid of this odor, toilet boy - hahahahahahahahahaha!
By the way, I learned this trick of defense from my friend Boomer Mc-Cloud.
Boomer Mc-Cloud had a good old time with this gig at a party a few weeks ago.
The guy who caught Boomer Mc-Cloud's hand stinker first was not coming back from the bathroom for the whole night. I think his name was Victor or something like this. Anyway, Victor was trying hard to scrub and rub Boomer Mc-Cloud's hand stinker off of his fragile skin.
Victor was still locked in that bathroom and did not come out when his wife was ready to leave the party.
Victor scrubbed himself almost to unconsciousness, and Boomer Mc-Cloud told me that Victor had to be delivered to the loony bin the very next day because he refused to come out of that bathroom.
Isn't that hilarious?
Well done Boomer Mc-Cloud! Groping and fingering an innocent pet is the no go style!
If you think that the name hand stinker is not appropriate for your case, you can rename it and call it poopy hand gas bomb, or rotten egg hand grenade, or any other expressive names like this.
Another friend of mine, Lukas, once called it the stinky reconnaissance drone! I mean is this lateral thinking at its best or what?
Lukas was obsessed with everything that has to do with the military and artillery. I guess it makes sense because his Dad was a military man, too.
Lukas's Dad only talked about military stuff, and Lukas totally got exposed to his Dad's passion for the military.
One time Lukas even experienced a military adventure when his Dad took him to a trip.
Can you imagine, Lukas's Dad stopped the car in the middle of nowhere and somewhere in the desert and a second later a reconnaissance drone exploded a few inches right next to them!
Lukas never got over this incident and hence he renamed the hand stinker and from then on called it the stinky reconnaissance drone.
I guess for Lukas this name makes more sense!
Lukas was a true friend and genius and he gave me the most genius ideas how to gross out privacy defenders like Bertrandoo and Victor, but then his Dad got promoted and they had to move to Washington D.C., and I never saw him again.
Anyway, I hope you got the big picture here because the hand stinker is very powerful.
Make sure to keep this one on the top of your collection because you never know when the next privacy offender comes around.
In the case of Bertrandoo, the hand stinker worked out pretty well and spending some time in the lavatory room might have done this privacy offender some good!
Being a Frenchman, Bertrandoo probably prefers his French perfume to rotten egg clouds and bean smelling vapour wades, and I guess the hand stinker has turned him into a responsible citizen.
Yes, Bertrandoo the Frenchie with two "o" is not going to grope another pet in his life ever again!
Audiobook:
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