My name is Timmie Guzzmann and you can see me inside the plane with my dog El Ninjo. You can see us performing a classic skateboard fart tumbler to get into the spirit of our discipline that we like to call: Ninja Skateboard Farts!
I will take you on a tour around the globe where you can watch us perform the most dangerous and live threatening Ninja and Martial Art skateboard farts.
Enjoy the farting around the world book where you will be discovering the most exciting places on all the different continents of the earth. You will be able to get a totally different perspective on things because we will show you our Ninja fart tricks as we are skateboarding around the world.
We will start this competition in the ancient world in Athens, Greece where people like Socrates and Plato walked on the hellenic hills and questioned his follow men with philosophical questions about the meaning of life.
We are following the path of the philosophers and take on our own challenges in places like the Akropolis and the ancient streets of Athens.
Next we are going to continue our challenge in Italy, France, North Africa, China, India, Japan, South America and finally we are closing the challenge in the US in the beautiful cities of Florida and Los Angeles, the city of the angles.
Before we get started with the first challenge in Greece, let me introduce myself and let me tell you a little bit more about who I am.
My name is Timmie Guzzmann and El Ninjo is my favorite dog in the whole world because there is no other dog who can be as cute and as bottom burping disgusting at the same time as El Ninjo. He has been figuring out how to balance his best and his worst characteristics in a very smart and beneficial way.
I am very happy that our friendship is so close because his farting style has truly revolutionized my fartboarding style over the past few month.
It started in New York where he truly transformed my love for skateboarding into a true skateboarding freestyle and empowered me to skate from the highest skyscraper top of New York, the Empire State Building powered by his farts.
Together as a skateboarding team we had the best skateboarding adventure possible and I realized that El Ninjo has got the farting power that I need in order to make my dreams a reality.
I always dreamed about flying in the sky powered by some superpowers. I woke up and realized that I only dreamed and had no magic powers.
I realized that I will never be able to fly like in my dreams, but I discovered in New York that tapping into El Ninjo's super fart powers is going to work like a magic trick.
We have been practicing for the past few month to win this competition that is going to take us to the most exciting countries and cities around the globe.
You will be able to watch us throughout the competition as we are able to turn simple skateboarding into our famous Ninja skateboard fart freestyle discipline.
I am so happy that El Ninjo is my best friend today and that I have been trying so hard to understand the things from his perspective which is totally different than the perspective of a human being.
By changing my perspective from the perspective of a boy to the perspective of a farting puppy, I was able to realize my dreams.
My motto today:
Always try to put yourself into the shoes of another being (no matter if it is a human being or a pet like a dog) to see things from a different perspective. Most of the times the view from your own perspective is cluttered or clouded, but you will always find a creative solution by looking from a totally different angle at your problem.
There are some other things that you should know about me and my dog El Ninjo.
I am half Mexican, half Indian, and half American because my father is Mexican and my mother is half Mexican and half Indian, but I was born in the US which makes me kind of a weird mixture with American heritage.
I have been living with my parents, my sister Susie and my dog El Ninjo in the South of the States since I was born.
My father brought my mother to the city of Savannah in the South of the States before I was born because Dad loves Southern Jazz and Southern Food. Mom still can't cook the Southern way to save her live because she prefers to press the automatic button for everything that is related to food instead of cooking her own homemade meal or baking a Mississippi Mud cake with chocolate pudding filling.
This probably explains why our family is far from being a standard family because we are all a little bit crazy and unorthodox.
Anyways, this story is not about our family's struggle to fit into the structures of society, but this book is going to tell you my farting around the world story.
Now that you know me a little bit better, let's get started with the first story of the book which is the skateboarding fart tumbler in the plane.
We are all in the plane on our first trip to join the first the skateboarding competition in ancient Greece.
Our first destination is Europe and more specifically Greece, Athens.
The embarrassed man in the pink sweater in the front of the plane is my Dad and the woman right next to him who looks like a Chinese/Japanese ripe tomato is my Mom with Indian heritage.
Susie my sister is the fourth of us and El Ninjo is the most curious and bean driven dog that I have ever met. He is my favorite dog in the whole wide world. I already told you about him in the beginning of this chapter and I hope that you have a good grasp of him by now.
El Ninjo has caused me and my family many sleepless nights because he already was a tough smelling bottom burping puppy the moment we got him. He has been able to develop his bottom belching talents into a world class farting discipline - the ninja superpower farting discipline!
I don't want to tell you all the details because accounting for all his fart disasters might fill several books.
The funniest story, I guess, is when Mom gave a party a few months ago and one guy from France picked him up from the ground. El Ninjo hates privacy offenders and blew his smelly green clouds in this French guy's perfumed hands. I am telling you this Frenchie locked himself into the toilet and spent the night with the soap.
After this incident and after the guy finally was able to get the worst odor off his hands, everybody kept teasing Bertrandoo, the guy with the weird French name with two "o". They called him handstinker even though Bertrandoo wore lots of French perfume.
Just a funny souvenir moment that shows my point that El Ninjo represents the super tooting elite when it comes to farting!
Susie and myself convinced our parents to keep El Ninjo because they wanted to get rid of him in the beginning when he was still an annoying farting puppy.
He once snug into their bedroom and my Mom thought that my Dad was the one with the problem. She thought that my Dad had a tough snoring problem with beans because his snoring smelled like flatulent beans. It turned out that El Ninjo was the air polluter. My Dad got punished for El Ninjo's actions because Dad was moved out of the bedroom by Mom.
Anyways, I am relieved that we were able to keep El Ninjo after all. My argument to keep him is still valid today. El Ninjo is our insurance in case some bad things happen to us because he will always keep us protected from privacy offenders or intruders.
Believe me! El Ninjo is more effective than a modern alarm system!
On our trip to Africa the past month he protected us with his smelly clouds from the wild animals and he gave me hope to believe in myself.
He empowered my thinking and made me realize that one day I will win the skateboarding competition.
He showed me the physics of how farting on the skateboard works and how to use a series of Ninja fart clouds as driving superpowers.
He showed me the competitive edge and how to look at things a little bit differently in order to make them work for me in a beneficial way. He even showed me a new perspective and dimension of life in general.
He showed me that life is full of surprises, movements and colors. He showed me that life is more than one can see with one's eyes.
He also showed me how to always make sure to walk on the sunny side of life!
In his company I do not feel afraid or weak and he empowers me.
I love my bean blowing superpower fart dog El Ninjo.
Today I would not be here in this plane if it was't for him. I am what I am because of El Ninjo.
This is how our friendship has grown and this is why I am here today.
We (me and El Ninjo the superpower skateboard team) are here because our mission is to win the skateboard competition with our own freestyle way that we are calling "Ninja Skateboard Fart Superpowers".
I feel that I am on a winning streak. I am totally convinced that we will win this skateboard competition because we are powered by beans, we are curious, we are different, we are special, and we are unique!
I am going to beat them all, including Mc Farty Ninja Boy who is also going to compete in this race with his dog Booger Bob who is totally lame and his farts do not even stink.
In this competition my El Ninjo boy is taking care of the winds and I take care of the other boys.
My farting dog and I are a winning team and we stick together like glue. El Ninjo has proven to me over the past few months that he is a true friend and partner in crime and we are going to mark our turf so that our competitors can see who we are.
El Nino knows how to master even the toughest situations and even under life threatening conditions: dangerous animals, ignorant folks, privacy defense, annoying pets and toys, criminals, obnoxious people and actions whatever situation you name it - El Ninjo kills it with farts!
He manages to control the most obnoxious and toughest situations and threats with his bean blowing shooting powers and his bottom burping wet vapor stinkers.
He goes right for the target and boooooooooooooooom the stink bomb goes right into the nose of whatever or whomever El Ninjo does not like.
El Ninjo's fart physics are bombastic and he is going to push me to the leader board of this skateboarding competition.
We are going to be the toughest and fastest skateboarding team on earth because we are powered by the superpowers of beans.
Yeah, let the skateboard competition à la farting around the world begin and let's show them what having super ninja powers really means.
This dog is a true transformer because he transforms black beans into black fart steams that this world has never seen before!
You wanna see right now?
Ok, I guess we are ready because El Ninjo has eaten lots of beans and he has stuffed himself up for the maximum push power.
The plane is a perfect exercising ground. The other passengers really look like they need a little entertainment to wake up, too.
Here we go.
"Push’ em doc!"
That's our secret code word by the way.
Ready to rock n'roll the plane, we both jump on the board. In a lightning fast tumbler we are flying through the air and in our bean blowing freestyle farting way.
El Ninjo crushes it and he powers the board with some extra fort super gassy air smog.
We are saltoing through the air in a never ending farting air wheel and El Ninjo is blowing out a voluminous series of green stink clouds that are giving us some real ninja powers.
As we tumble through the air, we are in a new 4th dimension of fart reality and are pushed in a moving circle through the airplane right in the aisles.
"Is this a movie?" 6 year old Bennie is asking his Mom.
I am shouting back to Bennie: "To make a long answer short, Bennie, no this is fart reality in the air and even better than open air movies, you know!
We are exercising for our skateboard competition. If you wanna come and cheer us up be our guest!
The competition is called farting around the world and it is featuring Super Hero El Ninjo here and myself. Together as a team we will certainly win and then we are the world champion Ninjas of skateboard farting."
His mother says: "Oh gosh this is gross don't scare my boy he is only six years old!"
I shout back at her: "Don't worry! My Mom said the same thing to an older boy whom I admired when I was six years old and long before I got started with this discipline of skateboard farting. Look at me today! I am going to be a skateboard superstar with superpowers if I win this skateboard competition.
Be proud of your boy instead of giving him the manner speech. I hope he will soon pick up a weird or curious sports discipline. If you don't limit his self-belief he is going to be a star like us.
Bennie, keep watching us and maybe you are going to be empowered some day and then you will take the world by storm. Maybe you will become some curious farting snowmobiling superstar in Canada or some place else together with your pet named Kudos or whatever his name is!"
The six year old is glowing with excitement and tells his Mom that he would love to get inspired by this 4th dimension of the Ninja skatebording fart team.
Little Bennie forms a mental friendship with Timmie right there in the airplane and keeps bugging his Mom about the competition and that he desires to go there and cheer up his new friends.
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, this is the spirit that we are looking for folks and with one last mega tumbler in the 4th fart dimension I am going to mark my winning philosophy:
"The world is my oyster and I am going to win this competition with Ninja skateboard Farting!"
Greece, Athens we are coming...
Athens! You might have seen the first Olympic Games, the Olympic Fire and the first Greek Olympic Athletes, but you have not seen our Ninja Skateboard Fart Superpowers yet!
El Ninjo and me combined we have more superpowers than Odysseus and the other Greek gods of mythology Aphrodite, Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Athena, Demeter, Dionysus, Hades, Hephaestus, Hera, Hermes, Hestia, Poseidon and Zeus together...
Wait for us Athens, we are on our way...