IF I HAD stayed in New York and had a non-Hollywood job, I’m certain I would have become a Latin teacher at a private school in Manhattan. I took Latin from seventh grade through college, and I always loved it and was pretty good at it. There weren’t a lot of us who took Latin in high school, but our small group felt very cool. Every winter, the Latin Club celebrated Saturnalia, an ancient Roman festival in honor of the deity Saturn. We wore togas (bedsheets unenthusiastically supplied to us by our mothers) and wreaths made out of pipe cleaners, and had a feast of whole roast chickens and carbonated grape juice, which we ate with our hands, like the Romans. We toasted each other by saying “Io Saturnalia!” and pretended to be drunk emperors in the teachers’ multipurpose room. You know, just the typical stuff you do when you are really cool in high school.
When I moved to New York after college, I pictured myself teaching Latin at the Dalton School, where Jocelyn worked as a geography teacher. Dalton is on the Upper East Side and felt very glamorous and Gossip Girl to me, so I was always coming up with reasons to visit her there. It’s a little strange to be in an environment where you are twenty-three and you know the high school students around you are better dressed, more sophisticated, and have had way more sexual experience than you have. They could tell too, I bet, because I was so intimidated I barely made eye contact with any of them. But I’m the kind of person who actually likes feeling a little bit out of place. Aspirational is how I feel comfortable.
The dream of teaching Latin disappeared, of course, when I moved to Los Angeles to work in show business. But I always wondered, in the Sliding Doors version of my life, about this other, imaginary version of me, living in New York, teaching at a prep school, and trying to make friends. Over the years, as the real me grew older in L.A., “Mindy in New York” stayed twenty-five. She began to resemble me less and less, and became a character all her own.
I started ascribing fun and theatrical personality traits to her. She partied too much and dated guys in ways that blew up in her face spectacularly, but she still desperately wanted to find love. She was so fun to write that other characters sprung up in her universe. Mindy always fought with one male teacher in particular, a serious-minded forty-year-old US History teacher. I will have a stern man in anything I ever write; I just love a gruff guy with a heart of gold. I guess what I’m saying is Walter Matthau is the man of my dreams.
I thought I would share some of her adventures with you. It’s kind of a Choose Your Own Adventure, or Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken,” depending on how fancy you are. Enjoy.
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Hello, Dalton friends!
Welcome back to another school year. I hope you’re all as rested and excited as I am to tackle this new semester. As some of you may know, I was lucky enough to travel to Rome by myself this summer. Traveling by oneself poses its unique challenges, but I think I learned a lot and I even brushed up on my Latin. You can read about it in my blog www.aromeofonesown.com. If you do, please let me know what you think by leaving a comment!
I thought it could be fun to have you all over to my new place for drinks. As some of you may know, I no longer live in Gramercy with Ethan, I live in Astoria now. Astoria is a bustling neighborhood with a vibrant culture and, according to a few blogs, Queens is the new Brooklyn. The great part is, I have a lot more space, and not just because I don’t have to share it with my ex-boyfriend, ha-ha. But you can decide for yourself! Party info:
This Saturday, Sept 10th @ Chez Mindy
36-19 Ditmars Blvd. Apt. 6A
Astoria
9pm–who knows! :-D
Dress code: Upscale Autumn
Anyway, please RSVP if you can make it. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
Love,
Mindy
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
From: Sam Cook
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Dear colleagues,
I am actually glad that Ms. Kaling wrote, because it’s the beginning of the school year, and we have an opportunity to set a precedent. These email accounts were given to us for work-related emails only, and I would like to keep my inbox clear of irrelevant emails not necessary to education.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Hello everyone,
It has recently been brought to my attention that I may have offended some of you by inviting you to a party on my work email. I am so sorry to have filled your inbox with “irrelevant emails not necessary to education.”
It should be noted, however, certain studies have shown that teachers getting along socially actually benefits students, so forgive me if I’m trying to do something progressive here. I didn’t know this was East Germany in the 1950s where we’re not supposed to talk. I’m sure that environment is much worse for the students but I don’t have a study to corroborate that. For those who do want to come, please RSVP.
Sorry again if I offended, though I would be really surprised if I did.
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: RE: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Great. Thanks.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
To all:
You don’t have to come to my party, and I get it if you think I suck and Astoria is lame, but you don’t have to talk loudly about it in the teachers’ lounge, where a teacher could walk by on her break and hear what you are saying, which is exactly what happened to me this afternoon. I know that my party may not be what you want to do on a Saturday night, and yeah, maybe it was a mistake to buy a piñata, but I thought it might be a fun way to blow off steam. The truth is, my apartment is new and empty and it would have been nice to have it filled with voices. But you know what? No one has to come. Forget it. Party’s canceled.
Sorry to have wasted all your time.
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Ms. Kaling,
I want to apologize. I was one of the people you overheard talking in the lounge earlier today. I think your party sounds very silly, but I shouldn’t have said anything. Please don’t cancel it.
And as it happens, I do think piñatas are fun. My daughter Molly really enjoys them, and at her last birthday party, I even took a whack. I think it will go over well.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Dear Sam,
Thanks for apologizing, kind of. I do appreciate it, because from someone as disagreeable as you, it must’ve taken a lot to send that. I forgive you, and I won’t cancel the party. You are re-invited.
Though it might not have been apparent in the first email, it’s kind of a singles event, so you should come. You and I have that in common at least. Ethan dumped me, and your wife left you. So join us if you’re not doing anything.
Sincerely,
Mindy
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Ms. Kaling,
Thank you for your touching email. I should just clear something up: my wife didn’t leave me, she died. Though I am wondering about my behavior in general if you think that the former is more likely.
I don’t think I will be able to come to the party.
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
OH MY GOD I am so sorry that I assumed your wife left you.
Sincerely,
Mindy
P.S. I’m also so sorry she is dead.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Lindsay Kellogg
Subject: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Hey Linds! I’m so excited you’re coming Saturday night! I know how busy you are at Goldmans so I will make sure it’s extra fun. Uh, I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but remember that guy Seth you work with? The one you said once looked at our Facebook album from college and said he’d never been with an Indian girl but he’d like to someday? Maybe you could invite him to the party? If it’s not weird. It would be really nice to meet some guys.
xoxo
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Fuck yeah, I’m coming
This week’s BEEN A NIGHTMARE
I’ve been here like 18 hours/day
Two days ago a partner hung himself
Yikes
I NEED THIS
I’ll tell Seth. Should I bring coke?
Linds
Lindsay Kellogg
Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282
United States
(212) 902-1000
This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Lindsay Kellogg
Subject: RE: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
PLEASE DO NOT BRING COCAINE! It’s not going to be that kind of party, it’s mostly high school language arts and history teachers. I got a piñata, which I’ve heard adults actually like. Promise me you won’t bring cocaine.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
From: Lindsay Kellogg
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: RE: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Yeah ok I won’t “bring any coke with me.” ;-)
I will bring Seth.
Lindsay Kellogg
Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282
United States
(212) 902-1000
This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: Ugh
Date: Thurs, Sep 8, 2005
Dear Sam,
I hope you don’t mind me writing, but I was passing by your office and heard Henry Guilford’s parents yelling at you, even though the door was closed. I know it sounds like I was eavesdropping but I swear I wasn’t!
I just wanted to say that a) it sounded awful b) Henry Guilford is a little shit, and c) they have yelled at me too. Henry wrote an essay sophomore year on Cicero that read like a Columbia undergrad’s thesis presentation, which I’m almost certain it was. There’s no way a kid whose YouTube channel is videos of him tripping bike messengers and filming it could have written that essay.
Anyway, just because this school has a lot of rich kids I don’t think their parents should be able to just scream at us. And if it makes you feel any better, at assembly just last week, I heard some junior girls saying that you were the best history teacher in the department. Wow, I guess I do eavesdrop a lot.
Mindy
P.S. Should you reconsider coming to my party, I think you’ll find it a really memorable evening. Plus I’m really worried no one’s going to come.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: Ugh
Date: Thurs, Sep 8, 2005
Mindy,
I’m sorry you heard that. In the middle of Carol Guilford’s screaming at me about my grading system, my mind began to wander. I took this teaching job all those years ago so I could spend the summers writing a novel, but I’ve written nothing, and yet I still have this job.
You wouldn’t want me at your party, I’m fifteen years older than virtually everyone else attending. I also could not begin to understand what the dress code “Upscale Autumn” means.
Thank you for your kind note.
Sam
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: Ugh
Date: Thurs, Sep 8, 2005
You’re writing a novel? I’ve never even read a novel. I guess that’s not true, I’ve read Bridget Jones’s Diary and the sequel, but besides that, not much. I know, v. depressing. Don’t worry about the dress code, I only did that for Madame Burkholtz and the rest of the French Department. You would think people who specialize in Romance languages would dress better! I think you dress nicely, though I’ve never really thought about it. You look like a presidential candidate during the Depression.
I better go finish burning CDs for the party. See ya!
MK
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Jim Dufault
Subject: Hello
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Dear Big Jim,
First, a compliment. The hallways have been looking so clean this year and I see almost no gum jammed in the hinges of any lockers. The custodial staff has a very challenging job and I commend you. Second, a short funny story: I am so used to calling you “Big Jim” that I realized I didn’t actually know your last name. Then I found out it was Dufault, which is so beautiful. What is your ancestry?
I was also wondering if I could borrow a couple of the plastic garbage bins, if the janitorial department could spare them. I’d like to use them as drink coolers for a party I’m having this weekend, which you are of course invited to. And while I’m asking for things, maybe I could take a few rolls of paper towels. I think there are quite a few of them in the supply closet and I doubt that anyone would miss them here at school.
With utmost respect for what you do,
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child
From: Sam Cook
To: Susan Cook-Velazquez
Subject: babysitting?
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Suze,
By any chance, are you free tomorrow night if I dropped Molly off? She has homework and she says that at ten she “really doesn’t need babysitting anymore.” I know it’s last minute, but a work thing came up.
Your loving brother,
Sam
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Madeleine Resnick-Klein
Subject: Hello
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Dear Madeleine,
I cannot begin to tell you how upset I am that I was twenty minutes late to our scheduled meeting this afternoon to discuss the National Latin Exam. A headmistress shouldn’t have to deal with extreme tardiness from teachers in addition to your other responsibilities.
I’ll be honest, a younger version of me would’ve lied and told you it was because I had subway trouble. But, if I’ve learned anything from my recent breakup, it’s that I only have room for truth in my life. And if I expect it from my lovers, I must be honest with people in my professional life like you. The truth is, I did not have subway trouble, I was at the European Wax Center on 63rd Street getting waxed for a party tomorrow night, and I passed out when they were waxing a sensitive area. When I came to, I realized I was late, raced over to our meeting, and thus we find ourselves in our present situation.
Actually, this is a good opportunity to encourage to you to attend my party. Please come!
Very sorry,
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Ladies leave yo man at home, the club is full of ballas and they pockets full grown.” —Destiny’s Child
From: Madeleine Resnick-Klein
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: Hello
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Ms. Kaling,
Your excuse is inappropriate, your email is inappropriate, please never be late again, and change your email signature. I will not be attending your party.
Madeleine
Madeleine Resnick-Klein, PhD
Headmistress
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Susan Cook-Velazquez
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: babysitting?
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Sure I can take Molls. I’m intrigued about this “Saturday night work event.” I think that sounds like a really good thing for you, professionally. ;-)
Can I ask more about it?
xo
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: Yo
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
If I’m gonna bring Seth to the party, there better be some single guys there
And not any Teach For America bullshit
Someone legit cute
Dude I need to have sex
Lindsay Kellogg
Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282
United States
(212) 902-1000
This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: cupid
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Dear Sam,
I know you said you’re not coming to the party, buuuuuuuut:
My college friend Lindsay is coming and I promised her there would be single guys for her. She’s really cute, I swear, and not in that way where only girls think it, like that time last year when I insisted Frida Kahlo was hotter than Britney Spears.
Love,
Mindy
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“No more drama, no more drama.” —Mary J. Blige
From: Sam Cook
To: Susan Cook-Velazquez
Subject: RE: RE: babysitting?
Date: Fri, Sep 9, 2005
Actually, I think I’m not going to go, so I don’t need you to babysit. Thanks.
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: hi
Date: Sat, Sep 10, 2005 at 8:20 AM
Hi Sam,
I know you’re probably out enjoying your weekend with your daughter, but I hadn’t heard from you and I thought I would write anyway. You can ignore it if you want.
The truth is, I am having a pretty tough time right now. When Ethan broke up with me, I felt like I’d been pushed off a cliff. It sounds crazy, even to me, because now looking back at our relationship, I don’t understand what was so great about it. I guess I’m the kind of person who likes to be part of something so much that I won’t care if the something is bad. Then I went to Rome this summer by myself on the trip we planned together, thinking it would be like Under the Tuscan Sun, but it wasn’t. I ate dinner every night alone at a restaurant where the reservation was made for two. I felt guilty that I was there alone, I bought two entrees, and ended up spending an enormous amount of money on food. Also, I got mugged the second day, which is why I’m wearing the same sweater in almost every picture on aromeofonesown.tumblr.com.
Now, there’s a chance I might like a guy, I don’t know him, but if there is even a remote possibility he thinks I’m attractive, I feel like I need to take that chance. Unfortunately he’s coming with my friend Lindsay and the only way she’ll come is if there are cute single guys there. If you could stop by tonight, it would mean so much to me. I will do anything for you, even stop sending you long, personal emails from this account.
Love,
Mindy
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“No more drama, no more drama.” —Mary J. Blige
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: hi
Date: Sat, Sep 10, 2005
I’ll see you tonight.
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Sam Cook
To: Susan Cook-Velazquez
Subject: RE: RE: RE: babysitting?
Date: Sat, Sep 10, 2005
Hey, remember how I said I wasn’t going to go to that work thing? I’m gonna go. I will drop Molls off at 8 if that’s okay. Will tell you about it later. xo
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: hi
Date: Sat, Sep 10, 2005
OH MY GOD, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, YOU ARE SO GREAT!
I’ll never say US History is easy again just because it’s only like two centuries old, and I’ll never let anyone say anything mean about you EVER, like when people say you drink all the coffee but you never throw out the grounds!!
SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“No more drama, no more drama.” —Mary J. Blige
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: EVENT REMINDER “A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy”
Date: Sat, Sep 10, 2005
Hello everyone!
Tonight’s the night! Just a friendly reminder, please allow 90–100 minutes to arrive from Manhattan if you are coming by subway. You can take the Q train until the last stop at Ditmars Blvd. Once you get out, you’re on my street! I am nineteen blocks west on the right side of the street. I am sorry to say that because I live on the sixth floor and because it is a walk-up, the party is not easily wheelchair accessible. I have written my landlord about this matter but unfortunately it won’t be resolved by tonight.
If you want to bring alcohol, that would be great!
Can’t wait to see you there!
Love, Mindy
IF YOU CANNOT ATTEND THE PARTY FOR ANY REASON—PLEASE LET ME KNOW VIA EMAIL OR PHONE SO WE CAN PLAN ACCORDINGLY AND WE ARE NOT WAITING FOR A PERSON WHO ISN’T GOING TO COME.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” —Pussycat Dolls
10:23 PM
10:45 PM
11:40 PM
11:45 PM
11:45 PM
11:45 PM
11:46 PM
11:47 PM
Mindy Kaling can’t believe someone would steal a piñata from a party, is this New York City or Newark seriously
2:15 AM
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Mindy Kaling had no idea that so many of her friends were from Newark. She apologizes, she is having a really bad night and like eleven drinks ok
2:18 AM
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Mindy Kaling isn’t sure why she bothers to throw a party anyway. Why even!? No one GIVES A DAMN ABOUT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2:20 AM
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Mindy Kaling is gonna start cleaning up this party. WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL HERE GET YOUR COATS AND GO
2:21 AM
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Mindy Kaling SERIOUSLY WHO TOOK MY FUCKING PIÑATA??!?!?!???????
2:30 AM
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From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject:
Date: Sun, Sep 11, 2005 at 2:55 AM
I’m sorry I just kissed you.
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject:
Date: Sun, Sep 11, 2005 at 3:01 AM
It’s just that, when I saw how upset you were that your friend’s friend didn’t show up, and that you, a grown woman, had pinned all your hopes on a stranger, it struck me as so silly and stupid. I mean, silly and stupid of me for being so happy about it … and then I just felt like I needed to kiss you, so I did that, and then I left because you looked horrified.
I should also note, I was and continue to be extremely, extremely drunk.
Please write back.
Sam
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
3:14 AM
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Jim Dufault
Subject: Hello
Date: Sun, Sep 11, 2005 at 11:13 AM
Dear Big Jim,
I don’t know how to tell you this, but, I just woke up, and while cleaning up my utterly trashed apartment, I noticed the unthinkable: two of the three trash cans you lent me are missing, presumably stolen.
You are not the only person who has suffered a loss—my piñata was also stolen, and yes, after it was stuffed with candy. It never occurred to me that someone would do something like this in my own home. Although, a lot of strange things happened last night, so perhaps it’s just par for the course. First, a close friend didn’t show up with a potential guy I might like. Then, while I was reeling from that disappointment, and picking up plastic cups from on top of my toilet tank cover (honestly, who leaves plastic cups in the bathroom of someone’s home?), a man kissed me out of nowhere. It was pretty confusing because a week ago this man was someone I might have blocked on Facebook, if he was the type of person who had Facebook, which he isn’t. Suffice it to say, I have a lot to think about, and I’ll reimburse you for the trash cans, and please don’t tell Headmistress Resnick-Klein. She has a PhD in being an old crone.
Yours truly,
Mindy
P.S. please don’t repeat that old crone comment to anyone.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Don’tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” —Pussycat Dolls
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