12

PARTY ROCKERS!

I was proud of what I accomplished my 2010 rookie year. I put up good numbers, blocked well overall, and set some rookie records. Against the Steelers, I became the first Patriot rookie and the youngest NFL rookie to score the hat trick—three TDs. I was the first rookie tight end in over forty years to score ten touchdowns. Most important, I made every practice and played in every game.

It was a long grind from the moment I was drafted in April until the season ended in January 2011. I had been on a nonstop mission to get into shape and get ready to play football since I injured my back in the summer of 2009. It was a marathon, starting with the brutal ordeal of my back injury, then the surgery, then the physical therapy, then the training to get back to form, then getting ready for training camp, and then playing twenty-one games from preseason to the playoffs. Along the way, I lost my junior year of football and fun. When I declared by January 15 for the 2010 NFL Draft, I gave up my senior year of college. Now I hadn’t partied at all and had basically been in a meat grinder for a year and a half straight. I needed a break, I needed to recharge, I needed to party!

For the first time, I had the money to enjoy myself and treat my family and friends to some fun. My friends from high school and college were seniors and so I took some flights to visit with them. I traveled all around the country and always managed to get a workout in wherever I went. But I also knew I had a lot of partying to do to make up for lost time. And nobody, and I mean nobody, parties like my crew, the Party Rockers.

Wherever we go, whatever we do, when the boys are all together, we rock the house and take it to the craziest level. We like alcohol and occasionally overdo it, but we don’t need it to have a good time. We don’t do drugs—that’s for people who don’t know how to party straight. We don’t hurt people or look for any trouble. All we do is get wild, dance like madmen, and have a very fun time.

At my brother Dan’s weekend bachelor party in Vegas, we broke all the records. It’s hard to remember a lot of what happened and I talked to the crew to piece together that weekend in June 2011 so I could re-create the monumental, epic partying that took place.

It started on a hot Friday afternoon when the cast of characters arrived. There must have been thirty guys there, some I was meeting for the first time who were friends of Dan or Gord. Dan’s college football teammate at Maryland, who is now known as professional wrestler Mojo Rawley to WWE fans across the country, set the tempo by sending out bios on the cast of characters so the newcomers to the group would know what to expect.

Here’s the bio Mojo sent out to the guys on my oldest brother, Gord:

A.K.A. “The Captain.” As the oldest Gronk brother, this former professional baseball star and current professional big brother calls the shots, he makes the moves, and ensures that everyone’s always as positive as possible. He is an optimist and writes the blueprints for our party rocking trips by picking the cities, and getting us set up at whatever club or party we want to attend. He is the glue that holds the team together and when he is missing, things just aren’t the same. Gordie is a team player, he keeps everyone’s self confidence as high as the sky, even while all the girls are scratching and clawing at his silky smooth body! And for some reason they always do because he constantly looks like he got mauled by a cougar: both the animal and type of woman! His resiliency is amazing, as he seems to somehow rally through injury, drinks, and unfavorable conditions to stay turned up all the time!

The bio on the next-oldest brother, Dan:

A.K.A. “The Brains.” Dan looks like he is straight out of the movie 300 except he doesn’t need the CGI! He is tall, he is chiseled, and all the chix unanimously agree that he is very handsome. Dan is also the responsible one, and is the only one on the team that is no longer a bachelor. Even though we all are not thrilled to lose our brother to the institution of marriage, Dan’s bride-to-be is a cool chick, rages hard, and brings all her girlfriends around, so it’s OK by us! Constantly looking out for his teammates and preventing us from engaging in problematic scenarios, Dan uses his brains and great looks to lure chix into the party rock lair and then pass them along to us. Therefore he is the official chix recruiter and wingman for the team. Dan displays his dedication to the team by always providing valuable assists, which is why he has locked down the team’s unsung hero award!!!

The bio on Chris:

A.K.A. “The One Seed.” Chris is a genius and could have gone to Harvard to play football but told them no thanks, for the sole reason that they don’t party. Chris is a wild man. Whether he’s throwing spine-crushing and punishing blocks or dominating every party he’s ever been to, Chris has an affinity for nudity and he gets so wild that we lose him a lot. He frequently disappears off the grid. But we never worry. Chris is a survivor and we usually find him facedown somewhere, or in a DJ booth after he abducted it. Chris is reminiscent of the legendary Vince Lombardi: he will leave it all on the field partying until he collapses, even if he collapses in the middle of the street, a dance floor, or on the floor of the library, because it’s all happened before.

The bio on Glenn “Goose”:

A.K.A. “The Wrecking Ball.” Goose is the definition of reckless abandon. He is the youngest member but perhaps the most insane. Living up to the legacy that was laid down by his brothers, Goose studied the ways of the Party Gronk closely throughout his youth and adolescence. This kind of observation and attention to detail is perhaps why Goose is one of the top up-and-coming student athletes in the country. Insanity and brilliance may sound like an oxymoron to some, but it is all part of his master plan. Some say the Party Rockers cannot change the world, but Glenn is our hope for the next generation.

The bio on Gordy Sr.:

A.K.A. “The Innovator.” Big G has taken party rocking to epic proportions over the past decades. A former college and pro football star himself, he has redefined party rocking year after year and he has established the precedent for us to live by. Big G will go down in history as one of the most legendary fathers in the history of the world. Cultivating four professional athletes with one more to come, fathers all over the world yearn to be like Big G. Perhaps that is why countless people have offered Big G big money to purchase his sperm so they can have the children of champions themselves. It’s not every day you can see a father hang with his sons on the dance floor, and it’s even more rare to have a father whose sons constantly get rejected by chix because they would rather hit on their dad instead. Women of all ages fall head over heels for the jackedness and dieselness of Big G, and his dance moves . . . Don’t even get us started on his awesome dance moves! He is a successful entrepreneur, a successful father, and the innovator of the Party Rockers!

Dan and Gordy did the bio on Mojo, who back then was known as Dean:

A.K.A. “The Hype Man!” Mojo doesn’t get hyped, he stays hyped. This NFL defensive lineman brings levels of hype that this world has never seen to any location he is in. He has the never-before-seen ability to single-handedly transform any setting into a rage fest! Give Mojo literally 6.9 seconds in any quiet, relaxed, and conservative room where people are just sitting and chilling, and Mojo will have people on their feet dancing and jumping around like they never have before. And it doesn’t matter if it is a club, an arena, a restaurant, or even a library. Mojo is the hype man, a party rock visionary rocking his Zubaz outfit head to toe that never sleeps nor staggers. Before or during party rock events, Mojo delivers legendary pregame speeches that fire up his team so much they are ready to tear the world apart, just as he does on the football field. The Party Rockers never have to worry about finding chix if Mojo is around because they always flock to him, his dance moves, and his amazingly fast hips that put cheetahs to shame! He is undefeated in dance contests, and you can guarantee it with any money in the world that if Mojo is there, everyone will have the best time of their lives.

The bio on me:

A.K.A. “The Superstar!” Rob is rated the #1 party rocker in all of pro sports. He is the superstar, he is the main attraction, the headliner, and there has never been a player in history in any sport that exemplifies excellence in the field of play in addition to the field of party rock. Men want to be him and chix want to be with him. His humility is astounding, which combined with his body builder physique, leaves women utterly susceptible to his charm! The weekend just cannot possibly be as wild if the superstar isn’t there. Rob has no filter, he doesn’t change who he is for anybody, and he lives his life how he sees fit. Whereas other athletes might be exhausted and want to go ice down and go to sleep, Rob rises above pain and injuries to party rock at all times and is unfazed and unintimidated by any obstacle that may stand in his path.

Next up is Bobby Goon, a friend of ours:

A.K.A. “The Utility Man.” He is the bodyguard, the driver, the confidant; he is the utility man. Bringing an iron fist of protection to the Party Rockers, Goon keeps all members out of legal and social trouble. With a sixth sense that would put both Bruce Willis and Spider-Man to shame, Goon can sniff out a potential issue well before it has even brewed and silence it with ruggedness. He ensures that no pictures or videos are ever taken, and can single-handedly protect us from an army of paparazzi, no problem. A man who enjoys fine foods, or any types of food at all, Goon also provides us with Drunk Goggles Security. Anytime one of us is going to make a mistake and take home a less than optimal chick, Goon steps in to the rescue to protect him . . . unless it’s Gord . . . there’s no protecting Gord. Whenever Goon is around we can all take a deep sigh of relief and let it all hang out because we know we are taken care of.

So now you know the crew. When we read the bios and stepped off the plane in Vegas, we could feel the energy in the desert air. We couldn’t wait for all the boys to get together and we were fired up to get after it. We started our Friday night with a dinner so that we could all get reacquainted and put the game plan into effect.

After that, everyone has a different recollection and story, but what first happened from there is we had our pregame speech ritual. “Hype Man” Mojo Rawley, dressed in bright neon-looking Zubaz striped pants and tank top, gathered everyone around and got us crazy fired up with a pregame speech.

Picture a 6´3˝, 269-pound muscle dude who looks like a professional wrestler and now is dressed in neon-colored Zubaz pants with his back turned to us. Everyone is waiting on his speech with crazy anticipation. He takes his time, stares out the window at the Vegas skyline with dead-serious intensity and intimidation, and begins:

“One of the great questions of the world . . . is when will the bubble burst.”

Wearing bright yellow sunglasses on his forehead, he turns around and faces us as if we are getting ready for battle. He looks at us with emotion in his eyes, and continues.

“We’ve traveled the world together, men . . .” Then he whispers “the whole world” as he walks toward us.

Looking ready to fight, he adds, “Every place we’ve gone . . . we’ve destroyed it! We’ve obliterated it! But with this kind of domination . . . there comes complacency!”

Looking angry, he starts to raise his voice: “Complacency that stems from . . . I’m tired of domination. Where is the challenge . . .”

Now in full yell, “I’ve done everything we can do! I’ve dominated every club! I’ve dominated every pool party! So what’s my motivation?”

Looking enraged, he blasts us: “There’s been a lot of disappointment I’ve seen today. I’ve partied with some of my best friends in the world that are embarrassed to wear Zubaz to clubs now. Dammit! That makes my blood boil!”

Then he turns to Gord and points with anger, saying, “This dude right here took about forty damn minutes to get ready for the club. And this is the problem I’m talkin’ about. Complacency!!!”

Now yelling at the top of his lungs: “But tonight . . . the Party Rockers have reunited and they have descended upon the mean streets of Vegas. . . .”

Gord is so fired up he can’t contain himself anymore and seconds him, yelling, “Ye-es!”

Mojo’s on fire! He’s yelling like a madman. “So we’re gonna take complacency and shove it right where the sun don’t shine! ’Cause this is not how we roll! We got a shot at redemption tonight! And we’re gonna lay it all on the line. ’Cause this is what we do! This is what Party Rockers stand for! And I don’t care how you feel!”

Mojo has everyone screaming and then he settles us down, quietly commanding us, “Because tonight we will party rock! Not because we want to . . .”

And now he’s getting louder and louder, into a frenzy: “not because we need to, but because we must share our talents with the world! Because this is what we do!”

At the peak of his speech, he concludes with his trademark line, which we’ve all been waiting for: “We don’t get hyped . . . we stay hyped!”

With goose bumps all over, adrenaline rushing, and chills running down our spines, we went nuts! We huddled up, jumped up and down, and were hooting, hollering, barking, and just getting out of control. In the middle of the mayhem, I yelled, “Let’s go!”

We attacked Vegas without mercy. When we walked in the door at the first club of the night, the first thing on our mind wasn’t picking up hot chicks. It was all about seeing who could get crazy and rock the place. We got kicked out of there within thirty minutes. While I was dancing on a stripper pole, Gord was dancing on the couches, taking his shirt off, getting crazy, so before we got into it with the bouncers, we left. As soon as Gord walked out of the club, I got a running head start and chop-blocked Gord from the side. He went down hard and had no idea what happened. He grabbed his knee in pain and my dad got pissed off. He thought our friend Jimmy Bieber did it.

Big G got scary and grabbed Jimmy, yelling in his face, “What did you do to my boy!” We had to hold my dad back and settle him down. From there we went to two more clubs. In one of them, Mojo was dancing with his shirt off and swinging it around over his head. He’s usually super-sweaty and when he was swinging the shirt, sure enough sweat was flying everywhere. It kind of created a circle around him and spread out the dance floor like rotor wash from a helicopter. Mojo’s shirt accidentally got caught on a small chandelier and knocked some glass out of it. The glass all rained down on Chris’s head. The little pieces of glass stuck to him like glue. Standing there, his blond hair turned red with blood, Chris just said, “Wow, that sucks!” and continued partying.

I looked like I had just seen a ghost. My dad had been having as much fun as anyone until that happened, since he’s so used to his boys being crazy and stupid, but now he just said, “Well, that’s not good.” The owner of the bar came racing over and said to Mojo, “Did you even see what you just did?” My dad calmed the guy down and smoothed it over. Chris, Mojo, Gord, and I got crazy all over again and the crowd got so out of hand that the owner loved it and didn’t make us pay for anything. That is a typical outcome and lets us get away with taking our shirts off and causing a decent amount of damage here and there.

We got two or three hours of sleep before our standards demanded that we wake each other up and keep party rocking around the clock. We went to a big pool party Saturday afternoon. The head bouncer came up to us and said he heard we had got kicked out of the club the night before for getting crazy and we should know he would kick us out if we got too insane there, too. We said no problem and then got crazy anyway. Chicks were throwing their tops and everyone was having so much fun the bouncer couldn’t kick us out.

Pool parties are our favorite. There is always plenty of room to dance crazy, a lot of loud music, hot babes in bikinis, plenty of drinks in the hot sun; it’s a blast. When the girls see us dancing, they try to keep up and hang with us, but they can’t. We dance so fast, so hard, they can’t resist the challenge of partying like we do. Nothing gets girls more ready to party than dancing.

Chris got so hammered that when it came time to go to the club, he jumped into a taxi and told the guy to take him there. The driver said, “Sir, you are here. It is right through the door there.” He had just walked right past it. The driver told him again.

Chris wasn’t hearing it and insisted that the guy drive and take him there. Eventually Chris threw him a hundred-dollar bill and told him to just get him there. So the driver drove off, circled around for a minute, and then said, “Okay, we’re here.” Chris thanked him, got out, and walked into the same hotel he had just walked out of.

After spending a couple hours at the pool, me, Gord, Mojo, and our friend Dana Parenteau got these four dimes (hot chicks rated a 10) to come up to our room. We had an awesome two-story suite with a huge couch and a good-looking spread of food on the table. We were all hungry and let the girls go first. There was cheese, fruits, olives, nuts, and a bag of potato chips. The hottest one said, “Mmmm,” as she excitedly grabbed the chip bag.

Well, we didn’t know it at the time, but one of the other members of the crew had left a surprise in the bag for us. Evidently someone couldn’t find the toilet and took a dump in it.

As she unrolled the bag and opened it, the smell took over the room. She looked up at us and we already knew what had happened. I’ll never forget the grossed-out, angry look on her face when she asked, “Is that poop?”

It was so funny, we just exploded with laughter. We laughed so hard, we didn’t even care that the girls walked out. We just couldn’t believe someone got us like that. The bottom line was that we had to avenge ourselves. It wasn’t hard to track down who the culprit was and he came clean. I’m not going to throw him under the bus, but rest assured we got even with him.

Several hours later, he was with us in our suite when we and a new group of girls ordered a bunch of burgers from room service to refuel. When he went to the bathroom, one of us who I won’t identify took a burger, pulled out the beef patty, and got intimate with the patty and his frank and beans, if you know what I mean. We put the burger back and grabbed all the burgers except for that one and another. When he came out of the bathroom, we were all eating our burgers except for Gord. Gord said to him, “Hey, grab a burger, these are awesome!”

Gord grabbed the other one (the clean one) and left the one that had the frank-and-beans treatment. As soon as he took a bite, the girls were laughing, and as he started chowing down on the burger, we began chanting, “Burger boy! Burger boy!” Eventually we told him, but not until after he had finished eating it.

Next up was a bit of beer pong in which Gord lost and Chris won. The punishment for losing? The loser had to lie still on a table while the winner jumped high into the air from another table and landed an atomic elbow right into the loser’s body. It was a tough weekend for Gord. The night before he got his knee whacked by my chop block and that night, in a supercrowded room with fifty people cheering him on, he took a brutal flying elbow from Chris that sent them smashing through the wood table. Gord took it like a man. At least, he didn’t feel any pain until he got home and the alcohol wore off.

We hit the club scene. Mojo the wild man climbed fifteen feet above the dance floor to reach a small platform. The first thing we look for anytime we walk into a club is a stage to dance on or a net or wire we can swing from. Mojo found his spot and was dancing like a maniac. It was such a small platform, I was sure he was going to fall off. But then a hot chick waved him down to come dance.

So I climbed up to the platform and started dancing even crazier than Mojo had. I wanted to one-up Mojo so I was jumping up and down on the platform. The only problem was that Mojo had sweated like a pig all over the platform and it was superslippery. Well, you can probably figure out what happened from there. My back foot slipped off the platform and I fell straight down next to where Mojo was dancing with these two hot girls. I landed right on one of them and knocked her through a glass table. She totally broke my fall. The glass shattered and exploded. I was in a daze and was thinking my dad was going to beat the hell out of me for this.

The whole place went silent. Mojo and I were scared to touch her and pull her out of the glass, because we didn’t want to make things worse. I was scared she was dead. Mojo and I looked at each other and were like, “Oh sh-t!” Thank God she started moving. We helped her to her feet. But she was bleeding and all messed up. Everyone was still silent and in shock. Then she threw her hair back and yelled, “Give me another shot!”

The entire place cheered her on. Her girlfriends took her to the bathroom, cleaned her up, and then came back and partied! She said to us, “You’re not the only hyped ones who can party!” I was so impressed I took her as my date to Dan’s wedding. Chicks love partying with the Party Rockers, so much that they are willing to endure a 6´6˝, 260-pound man falling fifteen feet through the air and landing directly on top of them, resulting in their head crashing through a glass table. They are willing to go through all of that just to party with us.

The next morning our suite was totally annihilated. There was a fifteen-foot spider crack in the middle of the green marble floor and no one could figure out how that could happen to such a hard surface. The huge square couch that we used as a wrestling ring had blood, alcohol, and chocolate all over it. The TVs were shattered. There was a TV in the hot tub, fortunately not plugged in. There were teeth sitting on the counter and we still don’t know whose they were.

Sweet Pete went home with a black eye and our friend Mike Leuhrson went home with a broken hand. He tried turning the suite into a slip-and-slide. While doing some break-dancing move spinning on his hand, he broke it. Despite all this adversity, we made it back in time for Dan’s wedding, which was awesome. At the wedding party, each table had a three-foot-high glass vase with flowers. Chris took one of them, threw out the flowers, and filled it with beer. He walked around and had everybody chug it.

It was a crazy off-season and exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries.

Everyone has pressure and problems and I deal with mine by working hard to make things better. At the same time, having fun helps keep the pressure off and it doesn’t hurt to let loose and not care what other people think. Don’t let other people stop you from having fun. I stand for working hard to be your best and partying hard to enjoy yourself along the way. Look at my dad: here’s a guy in his fifties who stays in great shape, has five great kids, works hard at his business, and can still have as much fun as anyone half his age. If he isn’t winning, I don’t know who is. I want to see you win too and it starts by being happy and having fun.

That’s what I did in the summer of 2011, and it got me ready. It was now time to play some more football for the New England Patriots.