Dear Stella, Mikey and Kimmie,
I thought about writing you guys individual letters until I realized:
a) That would take bloody ages,
and
b) It would basically be all the same stuff anyway.
So here I am, writing to all three of you at once. I hope that’s cool.
I suppose I should start by saying sorry. I know I’ve said it loads on texts and voicemails and stuff but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean it when I say it again now. The opposite. I mean it loads.
Kimmie, I’m so sorry about what happened with Aaron. I was in a bad place that night. That’s not an excuse by the way, I just want to try to explain a bit why I did what I did. I’d had a really shit couple of days. I didn’t let on how crap I felt after that supply teacher ripped into me. And I lied about what Ms Parish said afterwards. I did get into trouble. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I suppose I felt embarrassed and I was worried that if I let on I was embarrassed, you’d be embarrassed for me. Then we went back to Stella’s and I saw the uni prospectuses under your bed, Stells. And it really hurt. I know it shouldn’t. I mean, if you want to go to uni, you should go, of course you should. I just felt really stupid because I didn’t know about it and I’d been banging on about flats and stuff. But instead of talking to you about it, I just got really annoyed and sort of shut down. I’m sorry.
When I said nothing happened with Paul after all, I was sort of lying. Something did happen, just not the thing I told you originally. I tried to kiss him the night I babysat and he totally freaked out at me. That’s kind of why I ended up down the park with Aaron. I didn’t go there looking for him or anything. I just needed to get out of the house and I was walking past and there he was with his mates, and they were having a laugh and drinking beer and it looked like fun, and when he started paying me attention, it felt nice. I’m not going to pretend I was really drunk or anything because I wasn’t. I’d had a few beers but I knew what I was doing and I knew that it was wrong and I did it anyway. I’m not proud of it, not one bit, and if I could go back and undo it all, I would. I was just feeling really shit about myself and I stupidly thought going home with him would make me feel better.
I’m so sorry, Kimmie, please believe me when I say it. I was stupid and selfish and I don’t blame you for going silent on me. For what it’s worth, we didn’t actually do it. Not properly. I’ve never done it with anyone properly, not even Jordan. I’m sorry I lied about that too. It’s just that you all assumed we were doing it right from the beginning and I didn’t know how to tell you that we weren’t. It sounds stupid written down like this, but I was worried you wouldn’t like me as much if you knew the truth or that you’d think I was lame. I don’t know if any of this makes sense or not, or if it even makes a difference. I hope it does, at least a bit. I never set out to hurt anyone but I get that I have and I’ll do anything I can to put it right.
It all goes back further than that though, if I’m really honest with myself (and you). I know I act like I’m all confident and stuff, and most of the time I am, but sometimes I’m putting on a bit of a show, pretending I’ve got it sorted when deep down I don’t have a clue. Having sisters as amazing as Grace and Audrey makes it hard to feel special or stand out. I try not to let all their achievements get to me but it’s hard not to compare myself to them. I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s not always easy being a Campbell-Richardson. I’m working on it, though. I’m working on everything.
I dunno what you guys are planning to do about Newquay. I’ve been looking forward to it all year and the idea of the four of us not going together makes me feel really, really sad. You probably still totally hate me and wouldn’t touch me with a bargepole, never mind share a caravan with me, but on the off chance you can forgive me, I’m going to be at the airport tomorrow. You can tell me to bugger off if you want to but that’s where I’ll be.
Finally, I ordered these T-shirts ages ago. I’ve had this fantasy about us wearing them on the plane. Just so you know, I’ll be wearing mine tomorrow.
Yours hopefully,
Mia xxx