Why Women Need Sex
Why sex is integral to a woman’s life, what she wants most of all, and what stops her from wanting sex.
“I have a question for you men. I want you to visualize the answer in your mind,” I told an audience of over 3,000 couples in the Midwest. “How long is your wife’s clitoris?”
There was deathly silence in the place. Now, if I would have asked about the penis, there would have been a lot of joking, nudging, and whispered exchanges about the length of that appendage from the male specimens in the room. But talk about female genitalia, and suddenly people get uncomfortable.
“I love silence,” I said, and everyone laughed. I held my fingers up half an inch apart. “Are you thinking of this number?”
There was a wave of nods across the auditorium.
“Actually, the answer is . . . nine inches.”
Disbelief scattered across the faces in the audience.
“Yup, the clitoris wraps right through a woman’s body. It’s why, when the clitoris is stroked, her response can be so great. Lots of body parts are involved.”
So, gentlemen, when you touch her clitoris and bring her to orgasm, the clitoris isn’t the only part of her body that’s happy. That warm flush she feels spreads all throughout her body and makes her more eager in her lovemaking. And that pays extra benefits for both of you.
The saying “Happy wife, happy life” is completely true. If you want a happy life, including a wow sex life, you’ll take lots of time for foreplay. But foreplay to men and foreplay to women often have very different meanings.
For example, in my home I’ve learned that foreplay means cleaning the kitchen. Not only do you clean the kitchen, but you also wipe off the countertops. That’s part of the deal. And check this out. You also have to put the toaster away. As a man, I have to ask the question, why put the toaster away when you’re going to use it in less than 23 hours? But as one smart person said, “If Mama’s happy, the whole family’s happy.” That’s the truth.
Over the years, I’ve learned that part of being a good mate is knowing the quirks of your spouse and flowing right along with them. My role isn’t to argue the thesis of putting the toaster away; it’s simply to put the toaster away, because it’s important to my wife. Sande is a firstborn, and order and neatness are very important to her. If they’re important to my wife, they need to be important to me.
So I dutifully put the toaster away.
Why Sex Is Integral to a Woman’s Life
A lot of couples who come to me for counseling are stuck in a rut.
“He’s not romantic enough,” the wife says, “so I don’t initiate sex.”
“I can’t think romantically if I don’t get enough sex,” he says.
The only antidote to that dilemma is putting each other first. Then even a dull or nearly dead marriage can be revitalized and more passionate and exciting than you can ever imagine.
Sex is integral to a woman’s life. She just may not realize it yet. A lot of women have shared with me the very bad advice their moms gave them on their wedding day: “Just lie back and let him enjoy himself. Sex is something guys need, so you have to learn to put up with it.” What a terrible view of the most intimate experience that God created between a man and woman committed to each other for a lifetime! If you grew up with that view of sex, no wonder you’d rather do the dishes than enjoy your husband’s attentions when he’s in the mood.
Fulfilling sex isn’t about going through the motions only because it’s something guys need. Sex for a man who doesn’t see his wife sexually fulfilled is like a woman trying to talk to her husband when he’s reading the newspaper. She craves conversation and tries to engage him, but his non-response or grunts, at best, don’t satisfy her need for interaction.
Choosing to marry means you also choose to put your partner first, before your own needs. Sex is as important to a man as affection and emotional closeness are to a woman.
Most women say, “Yeah, I get that. Sex will never be that important to me. I really would rather cuddle.” But that’s exactly why it’s important to put your partner first. Do you want a man who will stay with you for a lifetime? Who will actively engage with you and your family? Who will listen to you as you talk about things that are important to you? Who will care about what you care about? Do you want him to go to work smiling and thinking, I’m the luckiest guy on earth to have a woman like her? Do you want the kind of guy who would take a bullet for you? Who will even do the dishes and the laundry too?
But it isn’t only women who should be putting their spouse first. Husbands also need to put their wives first. Here’s what I mean. When a man arrives home from work, what’s the first thing he naturally thinks about? I’d bet you a million bucks it isn’t, I can’t wait to talk with my wife for an hour about all the blow-by-blow details of her day and mine. No, all he wants is to change into those comfy sweats, scarf down some dinner, and start channel surfing . . . with maybe a shower mixed in there somewhere. But if he loves his wife, he must choose to put her needs first, before his desires.
What a Woman Wants Most of All
I think God Almighty had a great sense of humor when he created woman as woman and man as man, then commanded them to come together and become one. The top three needs of a woman are affection, communication, and commitment. Ironically, those are the things that most men are very bad at. But when a man understands and meets a woman’s needs, and a woman understands and meets a man’s needs, oh, the beautiful music they can make together!
Affection
Every woman longs for her man to reach into her heart and fill it with affection and romance. As soon as any man sees, hears, or thinks the word romance, he automatically thinks sex. But that isn’t the primary thing a woman is looking for. She wants to know that her man chose her as his bride not just once but continues to choose her every day above anything or anyone else. She longs for her husband to think of her not only when he wants to be intimate in the bedroom but throughout the day, even when he’s at work or at a football game with his friends.
The man who walks in the door, sees how exhausted his wife is, and helps out with dinner and the dishes deposits affection in her love bank. If he puts the kids to bed so she can take a long, relaxing bath, he deposits more affection. And if he sneaks in and gives her a foot rub in that tub, washes her hair, and combs it for her, he’ll fill her love bank to the brim.
When a man does things like that, he’s saying to that woman, “I value you. I love you. Bringing you pleasure gives me pleasure. I care about what you care about.” When a man asks a woman’s opinion, he’s saying, “I value your thoughts. Your opinion is everything to me. I want to tap into your multifaceted brain.” Now that’s the kind of affection that makes a woman purr like a kitten. It’s female Viagra. Even better, that dose of affection won’t wear off. Women have long memories for details. A week from now, that woman will be happily telling her girlfriends about how wonderful her husband is for doing those things for her.
Every day, wives spend a lot of time doing tasks that are seemingly endless. Not many people praise her for doing the laundry, cooking, doing the dishes, or finishing a project at work. That’s why her husband’s affection is critical not only to the health of their marriage but to her emotional well-being overall. She needs to hear what she means to her husband—that she’s attractive and desirable, that he noticed her new hairstyle and complimented her clothing.
Little things bring women pleasure. My wife loves to get a pedicure. “It’s pure pleasure,” she says, “because they massage your legs and feet.” So, gentlemen, if you’ve got the bucks to do so, treat your wife to a pedicure every once in a while. Or provide the service yourself with some warm, soapy water, a scrub brush, and a bottle of lotion. That lotion will do double duty on your hands too, so they’re softer later when you touch her delicate parts.
The point is, treat your wife as the special princess she is. Do things to please and pleasure her. If those things move you toward the bedroom, wonderful. But don’t show affection to her only to get her into bed. For her to enjoy sex, there has to be an atmosphere in your home conducive to lovemaking.
Women aren’t like men. Men get excited at the drop of a pin. A little jiggle to your wiggle, and all of a sudden your husband, who had no thought of sex a second ago, is more than ready to go.
You spot that Bullwinkle the Moose look and are frustrated. “How could you possibly want sex? We just had it last night. You remember that?”
“But honey,” he says, “that was hours ago.”
Sex is not centered on a woman’s vagina. It begins in her heart, through her husband’s care for her and his understanding of what she thinks and how she feels. You can pursue the physical act of sex with great gusto, but it won’t be ultimately satisfying to either of you until her affection and heart are engaged.
In my quest to show Sande the affection she needs and deserves, I’ve even had to develop an appreciation for the color mauve. Sande has me watching Project Runway with her. It’s a TV show where clothes designers go to a store, buy crazy things, and then craft a formal gown from those items. It’s hardly typical fare for someone like me who eats, sleeps, and drinks football. But because I love my wife and she’s fascinated by the show, I watch it with her . . . as well as Top Chef. Both certainly help me get in touch with my feminine side.
Communication
The second top need for a woman is communication. Women are relational by nature; they love to share. Men, can you imagine saying to a buddy, “Hey, Tom, want to stop at that little restaurant there and share a tuna salad sandwich? Maybe we could split a salad too.” Never in a million years would you hear such a statement from a man. But women? Not only do they share their experiences, they relive every detail and nuance about what he said and she said. I’m always amazed at the length of time my wife can talk on the phone with our daughters. She asks questions I wouldn’t even think to ask.
When a friend of one of our daughters got engaged, I just wanted to know how long she’d known the guy and when the wedding was. Sande grabbed the phone from me and cooed, “Oh, isn’t that precious? So tell me . . .” And they were off and running about how, where, and when exactly the guy proposed, specifics about what the diamond looked like, what colors the bride was considering for the wedding, what the guy’s family was like, and on and on. I shook my head and laughed. Men and women couldn’t be any more different. But I have to admit, hearing all the goings-on was entertaining. If it were up to us men, the conversation would have lasted about 10 seconds.
However, over the years of our marriage, I’ve learned that listening is one of the top skills a husband needs to learn. If I love and care about my wife—and I do—I will listen to anything and everything she has to say. In the flow of conversation, I’ll ask appropriate questions to show that I’m engaged and that I care. By actively listening, I’m saying, “Honey, I care about you, and I’m interested in what both excites and concerns you. I want to spend time with you. I want to know what’s important to you.”
That means when I walk in the door, I don’t talk first about my day. I ask her, “How was your day, sweetheart?” I find out what’s pressing on her mind, her heart, her schedule.
When you do that, your wife thinks, Wow, what a man. I know he’s had a very busy day himself, but he really cares what I’m up against. I can talk to him about anything. We’re in this together.
Commitment
All women can relate to hectic days. When I was doing a presentation in Canada on stress in a woman’s life, one woman asked a question about how to get kids to do homework. She added that she was homeschooling six kids right now.
Talk about a huge job—teacher, mother, and disciplinarian, all rolled up into one. Is it any wonder she’s tired?
Some women have the ankle-biter battalion circling their mommy wagon all day. Others juggle kids at home and full-time or part-time work outside the home, with constant demands from both directions. Still others put out one fire in the workplace just as another is ignited, causing them to feel like they can’t accomplish enough either at home or at work.
When men don’t get their work done for the day, they shrug and say, “Well, I did what I could. There’s always tomorrow.” A woman? She is wracked with guilt for not being able to do it all, has difficulty saying no because she doesn’t want to disappoint people, and will often push herself far beyond her limits to try to get more done than is humanly possible. Why else in a lot of homes do you see the husband channel-surfing late in the evening while the wife is still doing the dishes, lining up her to-do list for the next day, finishing laundry, and simultaneously helping her child memorize the table of elements for his chemistry test?
I call those wives “Velcro women” because everything sticks to them. They are the ones who keep the family moving in multiple directions. Think about it. Who remembers that your four-year-old has a dance recital on Tuesday? Runs the kids to and from school and packs their lunches? Goes grocery shopping over lunch? Does dishes and laundry in stages as she runs in and out of the house completing projects? Talks your junior higher through her latest crush? Helps your fifth grader who’s wrestling with math? Provides the chocolate chip cookies for your work lunch? Accompanies you to that colleague banquet? And still manages to hold down a part-time or full-time job outside the home? Your wife, that’s who. Is it any wonder she’s tired by the end of the day and too pooped to whoop?
But what if in the middle of her hectic day she received a text from her husband that said, “Honey, I just wanted you to know how much I love you. Is there anything I can pick up for you after work today?”
What is that husband doing? He’s showing his commitment to her best interests and to his family by offering to help. You see, for a woman, foreplay is all about commitment. It’s about having a strong man who jumps in when she needs help. The kind of man who wipes off sticky countertops, makes breakfast every Saturday and Sunday morning, gets up three times a night with the toddler who has the flu, and volunteers to pick up the kids from school because he got off work early. What does that tell his wife? I care about you and the kids, and our family is my first priority.
Gentlemen, whenever you say, “Honey, what can I do to help?” you’re making love to your wife.
What Stops a Woman from Wanting Sex
I have a wife and four daughters. I was reared with an older sister. As a psychologist, I spend my days talking with women from across the world about parenting, marriage, and family topics. So even though I’m a man, I know women pretty well.
Women in general are warm and relational. They love closeness. They will hug anything that moves—including other women, children, the neighbor’s cat that strays onto their porch, and anyone who is having a rough go of it in life. So why is it that, when it comes to the act of sex—the ultimate relational closeness—the majority of women would rather scrub floors? What are we men doing wrong? Or what are we not doing? And what do the excuses really mean?
She doesn’t like being vulnerable.
None of us likes to be vulnerable. And in marriage, there’s an intense vulnerability in submitting to and pleasing each other in sex. It takes couples back to when Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed in that beautiful garden. They didn’t even notice they were naked; it was a normal part of their existence. But when their eyes were opened after they ate from the one tree God said not to eat from, they scrambled to find fig leaves to cover themselves. Women have been scrambling to cover themselves ever since. Is it any surprise, then, that when women do enjoy sex, they like the lights dimmed?
Sex is the most intimate act you can engage in with someone else. But it can also be one of the most distant ones. It can be perfunctory, void of emotion or passion or communication. If you ask most couples, they don’t talk during sex, and that is a huge detriment, especially to a relational woman who is high on communication.
But a man who compliments his bride, who whispers to her how desirable she is as he touches her, will stir new heights of passion.
She distrusts or dislikes intimacy due to past experiences.
Women may be uncomfortable with sexual intimacy or even fear it for many reasons.
Those who grew up in conservative homes may have developed a view that sex is dirty. For example, when Diane began developing physically, her father pulled back from her. He rarely hugged her anymore, and when he did, it was awkward. She now had breasts, and he didn’t know how to deal with those changes. Diane interpreted her father’s actions as, You’re not beautiful enough to be loved. All at a time when she was wondering how other males would view her as a young woman. She struggled greatly with her self-image during her teen years. She constantly dieted, worrying that she was too fat to be pretty. Desperate for male attention, she flaunted her development to lure in guys. Eventually she fell into the trap of bulimia.
Other women have been sexually abused by a trusted family member, date-raped, or abused by an ex. If you have undergone such trauma, you will understandably struggle with trust. The people you expected to protect you were the ones who abused you. Early sex can change a woman’s view of herself and make her believe she is unworthy of love and affection.
But that’s a lie. Every woman is a unique creature, created by God Almighty, and deserves love and affection. Women who have undergone abuse need committed, understanding men who will be gentle with them and ask about their needs and fears. If this is one of the issues you face together in your marriage, a few sessions with a trusted counselor might be beneficial.
She doesn’t feel appreciated by her man.
Every day a woman is saying to her man, “Do you really love me? Do you really care?” How does she measure that love? It doesn’t start in the bedroom. In fact, if that’s the only place her husband seems to show affection—to get sex—that turns her off. She will feel demeaned and disrespected.
A woman can come from a difficult background, where she was unloved and abused, and still be an eager sexual partner in her marriage bed. But the reason has everything to do with the way her husband treats her. If his attitude is, “Are you gonna put out tonight or not?” he won’t win her trust and confidence or capture her heart. He’ll get an accommodating wife at best, but never an eager one. She’ll grow more bitter and resentful toward him every time they have sex.
What warms a woman up? When a man picks up his clothes and hangs them up, folds laundry, arranges dates, helps with the kids, listens to his wife talk about her concerns, and kisses her when he leaves the house and walks in the door, she will naturally respond eagerly to marital intimacy. After all, she has a man who is enthralled with her beauty, desires her, wants to bring her pleasure, and shows his understanding and appreciation of what she does every day by helping out wherever he can. Now that’s a winning combo that will steal any woman’s heart and make it yours forever, gentlemen.
She’s continually multitasking.
I don’t know a woman in the world who can think romance and sex if there are dishes in her kitchen sink. She may be fulfilling the desires of her in-the-mood husband, but her brain? It’s on the dishes. I just did them this morning. Then I did them after dinner again. So how, in the space of two hours, can the sink be entirely full of dishes again?
That’s because women, unlike men, are multitasking creatures. At lunchtime, men simply eat lunch. When women eat lunch, they accomplish other things: making a grocery list, switching the laundry or zipping off to the dry cleaner’s, making dentist appointments for the kids, scheduling the dog’s toenail clipping, and running a sack lunch a kid forgot to school. It’s no wonder that a woman’s brain has difficulty shutting off the flow of to-dos to focus on sex, even as much as she loves her man.
Women don’t need bigger houses, more expensive cars, more clothing. What they need is an actively involved man who is committed to helping out and taking some of those items off her list for the day. Gentlemen, if you don’t think your wife accomplishes 17 items in the time you accomplish one, just step into her shoes for the day. Ask her to hand over her list of items, and then do exactly what she’d do for 24 hours. I guarantee at the end of that 24 hours you’ll be draped, nearly lifeless, over your La-Z-Boy.
So it’s important that when you arrive home, you haven’t expended all your energy or your word count for the day. You’re needed at home—by your wife, by your family—to help out, to listen, to be at the dinner table, and to do whatever needs to be done afterward.
When I was growing up, I always thought my mother was like an owl. She could swivel her head and see anything I was up to, which was usually a lot.
That multitasking nature is also why my beloved wife can’t have sex if anyone is within five miles of our home. Believe me, we tried. When our kids were young, we’d let them watch cartoons on Saturday mornings, just so Mommy and Daddy could “talk.” However, it would only be minutes before at least two of them were at our locked bedroom door.
“Daddy? Are you in there? I can’t hear you talking. I thought you said you and Mommy needed to talk,” Krissy would say.
“Get away from that door!” I’d yell in a fatherly tone.
Sande would raise an imperious eyebrow. “You’re a psychologist, and that’s the best you can do?”
The tiny feet would scamper away, but then they’d be back seconds later. One time at the worst possible moment, right when I was circling the planet Jupiter with my bride, I heard little Krissy say, “Kevey, I think they need our help. You better go get the hammer so we can get the door open.”
Yes, the enemy is small. And they can wreak havoc on your sex life. Mama Bear will always have her ears tuned to the least little whimper from one of her cubs, whereas Papa Bear hears them but has his eyes on his hunting mission.
That’s why couples have to get really good at being creative.
She’s bored—the glow is missing.
Men like predictability; women like variety. Men, if you wonder whether that’s true, just go take a look at your closet. Stare at her side. She might have 20 pairs of shoes. Then go stare at your side. You might have three or four. Women don’t wear the same clothes two days in a row. We men? We give that shirt the sniff test, and if it’s not too rank, back on it goes.
A woman likes variety; she’s bored with routine. Just because she’s turned on by a certain touch one time doesn’t mean she’ll be turned on by that same act the next time. But men want the road map to the destination. They try to follow the same route they did the previous time . . . and end up boring their bride.
You see, one night she may be up for a quickie. But two days later, she wants slow, languid sex with lots of foreplay. A male’s job? To figure out what kind of mood his wife is in.
Some men think foreplay is taking a shower, then exiting to do their best Dancing with the Stars audition. As Sandra once said to me, “Uh, that’s not a good dance.”
My feelings were hurt, but I understood.
Sex, to a woman, isn’t a onetime event. It’s an all-day affair. It begins with how her man treats her from the instant he sees her in the morning.
Sex is an amazing marital glue. Without it, a woman doesn’t receive the affection, communication, and commitment she craves, and a man’s needs aren’t fulfilled either. Then that couple grows distant. Discontent often seethes beneath the surface. Both husband and wife feel emotionally empty and bury themselves in their work and/or in the children.
What you deserve is the kind of sex that’s intensely exciting—where you can’t keep your hands off each other. Do you remember those times early in your relationship that the world seemed to disappear when you made love, lost in each other’s embrace? If that intensity has cooled, and sex isn’t as eager, fun, and adventurous as it used to be, it’s time to get back on track—back to thrilling sex.
When sex is satisfying for both parties and you desire each other’s bodies, you won’t be embarrassed by any extra pounds or jiggles. You’ll make the best use of those love handles. For those of you who don’t like your work and are only putting in the hours to bring home the bacon, sex with the one you love can make life worth living. And for those who are with toddlers all day, a husband who lights a candle, dances with you around the bedroom, and tells you how wonderful you are is a romantic adventure that will keep you going amid the Pampers changes and juice spills.
If you want to have more sex and better sex as a couple, a husband needs to sensitively understand and address his wife’s vulnerability, her background, the way she’s treated, and her multitasking nature, and think variety. To have a sexually fulfilling relationship requires more than a physical jumping in the sack together. It means each of you truly knows the other.
Top Four “Dos” for Men to Get That Female Slow Cooker Simmering
Men are streamlined, easy. They’re ready to go anytime, anywhere. Women are more complicated. I often compare men to microwaves and women to slow cookers. She may be slower to warm up, but when she does, oh, the incredible flavors you’ll enjoy together. So, gentlemen, this section is especially for you, since we males often need some suggestions to get our own wheels turning. If you want to warm up that slow cooker, here are four “dos” to pay attention to.
Let your wife be a woman, and show your appreciation.
Let me point out the obvious. Your wife is a woman. She’s not a man. She thinks differently than you, talks differently than you (in fact, she can talk circles around you), and responds differently than you to the same situation. Does that make your relationship predictable and easy? No, but it’ll never be boring either.
Some of you are saying, “Amen! You can say that again.”
Well, good, I got your attention. Now, see if you can hang on for the rest of this section, even if it’s in the middle of Monday Night Football. See what I mean about men being singly focused?
What if your bride asked in the middle of that game, “Richard, do you really love me? Lately, you haven’t . . .”?
The shortsighted man might wave her off and say, “Uh, honey, it’s almost the end of the second quarter. Can we talk about this at halftime?”
But the smart husband who’s focused on a long-term, satisfying relationship would do something else. He’d mute the television, set the remote control down, and turn his whole body toward her. Looking her directly in the eye, he’d say kindly, “Sweetheart, is there something you want to tell me?”
That’s the man who will reap entertainment in the bedroom that’s far more scintillating than sitting in an armchair watching football.
You married that woman because you were attracted to her differences, including the fact that she cared enough to ask you questions about yourself and your day, so let her be different. Allow her to be the communications expert she naturally is. Yes, she may be fussy about details and sometimes have bad timing—like in the middle of the football game—but that fussiness and commitment to improving your relationship make her who she is. It’s a part of that mystique you fell in love with in the first place. After all, marrying someone just like you wouldn’t be very exciting, would it?
So why not let your differences work for you as a couple rather than against you? Men enjoy sex the most but women enjoy snuggling the most. Men talk in grunts but women need words, sentences, and even full paragraphs. Men crave respect for the hard work they do. They show their commitment to their family by working hard to bring home the bacon, while a woman’s definition of commitment to family is more along the lines of “being there.” Is it any wonder, then, that women who play two roles—bringing home the bacon and frying it up in the pan—feel additionally stressed? Although they’re carrying a full-time or part-time workload outside the home and still carrying their regular workload at home, they continually feel guilt for not “being there” for their kids and husband as much as they’d like.
Men have to accept a woman’s top needs—for affection, communication, and commitment—and learn how to read her. The prevailing winds of a woman change every day, and even from hour to hour. A man who can adjust to those changes, approach her sensitively, meet her needs, and ensure she feels loved creates the environment of warmth a woman craves.
In short, let her be a woman. Take her out for a nice dinner. You might even break down and go to a salad buffet every once in a while, since she loves variety. Show your appreciation of her femininity when she dresses up for you. Whistle at her and touch those curves, showing that you still desire her. Make her an appointment for a haircut or a facial as a surprise, and don’t wince when you see the bill. Smile and compliment her on how beautiful she looks.
Encouraging your woman to be a female doesn’t make you a wuss. In fact, it makes you even more of a man. You can still wear the same shirt and ball cap you’ve worn for three days. You can eat the same breakfast two weeks in a row. You don’t have to eat quiche for lunch just because she does. You can still burp and release other gaseous noises . . . but please, not in her presence. And before you get amorous, brush your teeth and take a shower. Add a dash of cologne to tickle her oh-so-female nose. Then take that woman in your arms and start telling her what you appreciate about her.
Bet you anything the juices in that slow cooker will be boiling before long.
Listen, but don’t problem-solve unless she asks.
When we men talk, most of the time we exchange information so we can solve problems. We’re goal-oriented and short-winded with our conversation.
When your wife talks, she isn’t necessarily giving you that information to go from point A to point B. She is talking because she is in the midst of processing some information or an emotion and wants to share that with you. She isn’t necessarily looking for you to solve that problem for her; she simply wants you to be a listening ear. Much of the time, she will already have decided what she needs to do, but she longs for you—strong, wise man that you are—to empathize with her, relate to her, and say, “Honey, I know you’ll do the right thing. You always do. I believe in you.”
That something she’s telling you may or may not seem important to you, but you should treat it as important. When she talks, you need to actively listen. Listening in between commercials or with a grunt won’t satisfy her need for conversation. It would be like you taking one bite of a perfectly done steak and then having the waiter whisk it away from you.
Yes, she will give you far more details than you want to know. You like the CliffsNotes; she wants to tell you the whole novel. But you can’t capture your wife’s heart unless you are engaged in her world.
Little things matter to women—texts to tell her you’re thinking of her; a quick phone call in the midst of your business trip; a surprise flower just to say “I love you”; a midnight run to pick up Pepto-Bismol. Your wife is continually watching you, absorbing what you say, your expressions, and how you listen to and respond to her requests. Your involvement and your interest in the little and big things of her day make all the difference in the health of your marriage.
Be her rock.
Let’s face it. From day one of our existence, we males are primed to compete—to be tough. Sure, we may be little boys inside, wanting to please our women, but on the outside we want to be seen as boulders.
Well, your wife wants that too. She wants you to be the strength she can count on, that immovable force who will protect her and your family against anything, whether it’s the neighbor who’s angry because your son trampled his flower bushes, a mouse that has taken up residence in your cereal cabinet, or an ex who keeps showing up uninvited.
I can’t think of a single woman I’ve counseled over the past four decades who said, “You know, Dr. Leman, I want a guy I can push around easily, a guy I can control, a guy who’s a limp noodle, who just does what I want him to do and has no mind of his own.” No, women admire, need, and respect our male strength if it is used in the proper way—to support, encourage family members, and provide a solid, safe foundation for our home.
Because women are wired innately to be relational, they also care intensely about relationships. Along with that caring comes deep emotion, which sometimes leaks out in a form we men dread—tears. Most men don’t know what to do with them. Many of us tend to edge into another room, either saying nothing or muttering, “Uh, honey, when you’re done with that, maybe we could do dinner.”
But the “rock” man, when he sees tears, gathers his wife in his strong arms, lets her cry it out, and simply holds her until she’s ready to talk about it.
I guarantee, gentlemen, that if you do that, it doesn’t matter whether you’re only five feet eight inches and 140 pounds. You’ll be bigger to her than Dwayne Johnson, The Rock.
Get active—both inside and outside the bedroom.
Funny thing, I spend most of my counseling time helping women get active in the bedroom and helping men get active elsewhere.
If a man only makes love to his wife in the bedroom, both are missing out. He needs to make love to her outside the bedroom. No, I’m not talking about switching rooms where they have sex (though that is nice too). I’m talking about helping.
A man who carries groceries in for his wife or, even better, shops for her on his way home or on his day off is extending a romantic gesture that says, “I care about you and about us. I want to make your day easier.” He’s the same kind of man who calls her when she’s driving in a rainstorm to see if she’s all right, making her feel well cared for, cherished, and protected. He’s the type of man who helps their kids with homework and tucks them into bed and is a supportive, loving, involved daddy. When he does those things, he’s making love to his wife. She thinks, Wow, out of all the people on the planet, I’m the one who was lucky enough to marry that man.
Think of it this way, men. Every time you carry the laundry up the stairs for your wife, every time you take out the garbage or vacuum the hallway, every time you bring milk home from the store, you are gaining points of respect with your wife. You are saying, “I’m a man who can be counted on to help out with whatever you need.”
A woman whose husband serves her practically is going to be a much more willing participant in their bed, because she appreciates his efforts and respects him as a man. Sure, she looks capable, juggling all those tasks. But that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t welcome her husband’s help or that she doesn’t need it. Nothing would please her more than to have you ride in on your white steed to rescue her from a difficult situation, to spirit her away for a break, or simply to help get the job done.
A woman who has a good sex life tends to experience less stress in life. She knows she’s in good hands with her husband, because he has her best in mind. That’s why he doesn’t mind changing diapers, cleaning up vomit, or spraying the hornets’ nest in the mailbox. That man is willing to do anything for his wife. In response, he gains a partner who is willing to do anything with, and for, him.
Great Ways to Woo Your Wife
Want to show your woman how much you love her? Then try these simple ideas—or combine one or more into a getaway evening or weekend! Every time you brainstorm something special to do for her, plan it, and carry out the steps, you deposit dividends in your wife’s affection bank.
Arrange a surprise dinner out, complete with a babysitter.
Call Grandma, your wife’s best girlfriend, or a qualified babysitter and make arrangements for her to come to the house at least an hour before you arrive home. Let your wife know you are taking her out for dinner and have made all the arrangements necessary for the kids. That hour before you arrive will give her time to get things squared away with the babysitter and time to prepare herself. We men need little preparation. All we have to do is go potty, brush our teeth, and loosen our tie (or put one on), and we’re ready to go. Women need advance notice—time to shower, fix their hair, put on makeup, and try on some different outfits in their wardrobe to find the perfect one.
Hire some cleaning help.
Hire Merry Maids or some other local cleaning staff to come in and clean the entire house. From firsthand experience, I know that four Merry Maids can do it in an hour . . . even while you’re at dinner. That way, when your wife walks in the door after that romantic dinner, she won’t have heaps of dishes to do or brownie crumbs to clean up from the couch. She’ll have that satisfied “wow, look at that, everything is clean” feeling.
Romance her.
Prearrange with the restaurant and waiter for them to hand-deliver a favorite flower, a little gift or two, and some love notes that you’ve already dropped off. Along with the appetizer or salad, the waiter shows up with your wife’s favorite flower and a note you’ve handwritten: One of the reasons I love you so much is . . .
During the main entrée, the waiter brings a second flower, or a little gift if you prefer, with another handwritten love note: Another reason I love you is . . .
And during dessert, that waiter brings a third flower or gift with another handwritten note: I’m so glad I married you, and I’d do it all over again in an instant.
The glow in her eyes will be worth all your work.
Make dinner for her.
Your wife may be a gourmet cook, but she’ll happily eat anything you make if you suggest, “Honey, let me handle dinner tonight while you relax a little.” Even better, draw a bath for her before you start cooking. Add a fragrance she likes to the water. Place a candle nearby for an extra romantic touch. Add a couple fluffy towels and a robe to the setting. There’s no woman alive who wouldn’t sigh walking into that bathroom, knowing she has a guy who appreciates her. No matter what the dinner tastes like, she’ll give you five stars for effort.
If you have children, give a qualified babysitter money to take those kids to the Cheese Breath Rodent Place, with another $20 for lots of game tokens to keep them occupied.
If you’re like many men, you might cringe at these suggestions. That sounds like a lot of work. I’m not very good at planning ahead. Is this something I have to do every five years, or more regular than that?
You do it a lot more regular than that, Rocky. Consider this. Every day your wife’s head spins with to-dos, and many of those have to do with keeping your world spinning on its axis too. The least you can do is take some time out to focus on her and what she enjoys.
There are days when your Velcro woman wonders, Is all this worth it? I’m tired beyond belief. Being a mom and a wife seems to be such a thankless job. Nobody seems to notice. But if you shower affection on your wife in practical ways that show your support of her as well as your admiration of her and her femininity, she will look at you and think, Well, others may not notice, but he notices. What a lucky woman I am!
Your Velcro woman also needs time away from the kids, where she doesn’t have to worry about them. Moms always worry about their cubs. If their cubs are not in her den, she worries all the more. That’s why it’s important you make sure someone very capable is taking care of your cubs. If you allay her fears, she can thoroughly enjoy time with you.
Do any of these things, use your imagination to think up more, and you’ll be reaching into your wife’s heart big-time and meeting her top three needs for affection, communication, and commitment.
Let the Chandelier Shake . . .
Over the years, as I’ve met women across the country, I’ve asked them what their top three stressors are. The order may vary, but it’s always the same three: lack of time, kids, and husband. Here’s what’s interesting—even those who work outside the home didn’t mention work. That’s because the things closest to a woman’s heart are her relationships at home. When I asked the women to clarify what they meant by lack of time, it always came down to the fact that they wanted to spend more time with the people they love.
Well, guess who is in the best position to help with all three of a woman’s top stressors? Her husband! Problem is, most of you women look so capable at juggling tasks that we men often assume you’re handling everything just fine and don’t need our help. And being the tenderhearted boys we are, we don’t want to offer assistance and then get slapped down. We want to please you; we simply don’t know where to start. So kindly offer some suggestions both inside and outside the bedroom, and watch us go to town.
Say, “Honey, I need some time to myself. Just a couple of hours. Can you watch the kids after you get settled in from work tonight?”
Your husband’s chest will puff out like a rooster’s, happy to please his bride, and he’ll even hurry home from work to pluck your five-year-old son off the dining room chandelier he’s swinging from.
Say, “Honey, I’d like to try something different tonight.” Touch him intimately, whisper the suggestion in his ear, or move his hand to a specific location, and he will most eagerly oblige.
He might even shake the chandelier and do a little swinging from it himself to make his own Tarzan and Jane love story.