Why Men Want Sex
What men need the most, what they want the most, and why they need foreplay just as much as women do.
There’s a reason guys have so many names for their penis—it’s been their favorite body part from the time they were young boys. In fact, healthy men think about sex at least 33 times a day!
If you’re a guy, you’re nodding at that statement. You got that right!
If you’re a woman, you’re thinking something far different. Are you kidding me? That’s disgusting! Don’t men think about other things? I barely have time to take a shower before the next thing on my to-do list hits me. No wonder my husband hasn’t been able to fix the porch step for five years.
But you see, thinking about sex 33 times a day is natural for men. We’re wired to think about it. And it’s not perverted at all if thinking about sex drives that man of yours into your arms time and time again. Or if it makes him floor the accelerator of his car so he can beat you home to set up a romantic environment he knows you’ll love.
When you understand what men need and want and how you can fulfill those needs, you’ll have a guy who not only will make it his mission to pleasure you in the bedroom but also will clean up the kids’ vomit, fix whatever is broken in the house, and make a late-night run to the grocery store just because you’re craving chocolate. Talk about a win-win for both of you! A little knowledge goes a long way with men.
Getting into Your Man’s Brain
Have you ever wished, even for a minute, you could get into your husband’s brain? To know what he’s thinking? To experience what he’s feeling? Here’s a little peek.
Attracted to the physical
Have you ever seen a squirrel that’s lured and distracted by a shiny piece of metal that flashes in the sunlight? That critter can’t resist creeping closer to check out the object. Men are like that—they’re attracted to shiny pieces of metal that flash in the sunlight, especially if that blingy metal is in the alluring shape of a female. Then that male squirrel tries his best to draw the female’s attention by slapping the bark of a tree with his paw and wildly flicking that bushy tail. If you walked into your local high school and observed the young men trying to attract their female classmates, you’d see a lot of similarities in behavior.
Men are attracted to the physical. They are always looking around them. They have wildly different attention spans than females. They are drawn to scope out certain details, such as how computer gamers’ push for better graphics sparked huge changes in the entire technology industry, how the front end was adapted on the newest Cadillac, and how snugly the uniform fits the waitress serving his dinner. Men look at objects and people for a much shorter time than women do, but they are more active in their attention. They don’t simply gaze; they evaluate all aspects.
Sure, it might drive wives a bit crazy, especially when that husband is checking out a woman other than her, but there’s good news too.
Look at it this way, ladies. When your husband first saw you, he didn’t merely give you a passing glance. He checked you out head to toe, found you fascinating, and decided you were worth investing time in. He relentlessly pursued his purpose of getting you to go out with him on a date.
When you met that man of yours, you checked him out head to toe too. You noticed he was neatly dressed, was clean, and had good manners. But you were more interested in gazing into his eyes, hearing his stories about growing up with his siblings, learning what he does in his free time, and watching his body language for signals of what he was really thinking about you. That’s because women are attracted to the relational.
Reminisce about your first date. Who did most of the talking? Chances are, it was you. You were doing what you do best—relating. You were pulling together all the angles of this potential relationship that stirred your heart with romantic feelings and your mind with the possibilities of what might happen. Afterward you relived every bit of this exciting beginning of interest with your best girlfriends. If you’re like most women, you called one girlfriend and told the story. Then you called another girlfriend and told the story, in even more detail, all over again.
Meanwhile, that guy you were gushing over was doing what men do best—appreciating all your best features in his recall and brainstorming how to go after the prize.
And evidently his plan worked, since you married him.
Any male who is healthy psychologically has a built-in drive to go after what he wants. Once your husband focuses on a goal or project, it isn’t easy to sidetrack him. He goes after it with determination. That’s because males instinctively want to be number one.
When you’re driving on the highway or expressway sometime, take a look at who is driving in the fast lane. Do your own mini survey. Stay in the right-hand lane for 10 minutes and see who flies by you. The majority of the time it’s the male drivers—especially younger male drivers—who hustle by. The insurance companies aren’t dumb. Young males are more prone to driving faster and taking risks, so it’s no wonder their car insurance is higher.
We males are primed to compete. Nobody is going to zoom around and ahead of us without having to work really hard at it. When I drive, I check out the traffic patterns and change lanes frequently to see how far ahead I can get. If my beloved bride were driving, it would take us twice as long to get somewhere because she’d be toodling in the right-hand lane, smelling the roses along the expressway. Me? I’m a man on a mission, trying to get from point A to point B.
Enough said.
A craving for adventure
Within the heart of every man is an adventurer. Men like to be on the move, accomplishing the next step to their goal. If you don’t believe me, go watch the male species on a playground. Boys are a blur of action, competing for the prize and seeking the thrill of adventure. Some of their contests may seem downright laughable or shocking to girls: Who can hang from the monkey bars with his feet the longest? Who can spin the tire swing the most times without upchucking? Who can spit the farthest? And (after making sure no one else is watching) who can spray an X on a tree with his urine?
The girls? They’re off in a little cluster, relating heart to heart, holding hands, and talking about their someday dreams. They’re rolling their eyes at the boys’ misadventures and saying things like, “Eww, sick. Boys.”
That same craving for adventure affects your grown-up boy too. That’s why many men, after saying “I do” and enjoying every bit of their honeymoon, think, Well, I can check the marriage job off my list. Secured my woman. And boy, is she a great one. I’m a lucky guy. Now, let’s see . . . what’s next on my list of things to do? And they’re off to conquer the next mountain, patting themselves on the back for doing the marriage job well.
Meanwhile, the bride, upon her return from the honeymoon, is thinking, Finally, time with my guy 24/7. I can hold his hand anytime I want, and we can snuggle all weekend. We can talk about our days over dinner, lingering as long as we want, until the candles run out. . . . A romantic sigh. It’s so nice to marry my best friend.
Imagine that bride’s surprise when her groom is happily catapulting on to the next thing and isn’t as physically or emotionally present as she’d like. She feels deflated, even unloved, and wonders what happened to her tender, romantic husband. The groom? He’s clueless as to why his bride seems touchy all of a sudden and down in the dumps. He’s assuming that all is good now at home because he’s won his prize—the woman he loves. But that woman is still all about relating, and she needs his warmth and affection on a continual basis.
No wonder the two sometimes clash.
A Man’s Top Three Needs
What does a man want the most? To be wanted, needed, and respected—in that order.
Want me
Your guy may be 45, balding, and a little paunchy around the middle, but he needs to know that you still desire him. If you make him feel like a king in the bedroom, there’s nothing that man won’t go after and accomplish. He might hate the job he goes to every day, but he’ll continue to go because he’s doing it for you.
It’s easy for most guys to become sexually excited. Just leave off your bra, and one peek at your contours will gain his attention. Or simply brush the fly of his pants with your little finger.
Here’s the catch, though. His timing may not always be the best in the world, especially if you’re in the middle of a project. As a multitasking woman, you’ve got a lot on your mind. He’s got one thing on his mind . . . sex, with you. It’s the way you both are wired.
But consider this: you are the only person in the universe who can fulfill what your husband wants right at this moment. The dust bunnies under your couch can wait. It won’t matter if you have leftover spaghetti for tomorrow’s breakfast (the kids would probably love that anyway) because you don’t have time to go grocery shopping. The half hour extra you’re doing on that work project won’t reap the lifetime dividend you’ll get by giving your husband some skin-to-skin time.
One of the most common fights between couples is about sexual frequency. How often should you have sex? The answer will vary from couple to couple. But here’s the simple answer: if one of you is longing for sex with your spouse, then the other should be willing to fulfill that need. Doing so is part of developing a healthy marriage by putting the other person first.
Think he can wait? If he has sex on his mind and you shut him down because you’re too busy, what does that say to him? “You’re not important to me, and I don’t find you attractive anymore.” The best way to affair-proof your marriage is to treat your husband as both important and attractive. He needs to feel wanted, needed, and fulfilled, or he will be emotionally vulnerable to another person who offers to meet those needs.
However, there will be times when you have something to do that can’t wait. That’s when you, a female superior in word skills, use your natural language ability to deliver something that’s almost as good as the real thing or can heighten it. It’s called anticipation, and it’s a powerful draw.
Let’s say you’re scrambling to get ready in the morning because you have a big presentation at work. You’re standing in the bathroom when your husband presses against you from behind, then reaches around to caress your breast. There’s no mistaking his intent.
You’ve got some choices.
Choice #1: You slap away his hand and say, “Not now! I gotta be at work in half an hour.”
The result: You go away annoyed, and he goes away sexually frustrated, thinking you don’t understand his needs and consider your work more important than him.
Choice #2: You allow him a few seconds or even a full minute to caress your breast. When he pulls away, you say in a sexy tone, “Hey! You forgot the other one.”
The result: There’s a big intake of breath, and he reaches around to fondle the other breast. Now that’s a rare treat he won’t forget. And how long did that take? Just a few seconds of your time, but your man knew you loved his touch and wanted him to come back for more.
Choice #3: You allow him to caress your breasts, then reach around and do some grabbing of your own. You do some quick math: Okay, if we had a quickie, I could still take a three-second shower and put my hair up in a ponytail for work.
The result: You and your husband are both smiling and thinking about each other all day.
Choice #4: Because you know your man’s number one need is to be wanted, you allow him a few seconds to caress your breast. Then you swivel toward him to give him a full frontal view to feast his eyes on and say, “Wow, you’re really in the mood, huh? Unfortunately, I have to be at work in half an hour. But let me tell you something.” You lean forward suggestively and put your arms around him. “If you can buzz straight home from work tonight, I’ll have an even better and bigger surprise awaiting you than we could manage right now. I promise you’ll love it.” You deliver a deep kiss that takes his breath away. You whisper in his ear, “And that’s just a little taste of what’s coming.”
The result: You’ve delivered the gift of anticipation that will guarantee when the clock hits 5:00, he’ll be heading your way.
There are times when having sex at that moment works and times when it doesn’t. Your tough guy loves to be touched, and Mr. Happy doesn’t know anything about schedules. In fact, as soon as that testosterone starts coursing, he forgets everything on the agenda for the day. But when you can’t, promising a full workout later—and then following through on that promise—will keep a goofy grin plastered on your husband’s face until he sees you again. Instead of only minutes of passion, you’ll be giving him an entire day of anticipation. And he’ll be thinking about you all that time.
Men are wired to always be ready. But that wiring is what draws him back to you time and again—to come home to you, to get physically close to you, to relate to you. Every time you improve your sexual communication, you improve your marital intimacy and relationship overall.
That’s a pretty big payoff for a little time in the sack.
Need me
You’re a multitasking woman, spinning lots of plates simultaneously. Your husband watches you do all that, jaw agape. You’re a little intimidating because you’re so good at that master juggling act. But here’s a secret about men you need to know. We want to be your hero. In spite of our manly physique, we’re little boys at heart. Mama used to be the most important person in our world—the person we wanted to please most. But since we met and married you, you’ve become that person who is most important to us. We long to please you, to help you out. However, sometimes we don’t know what to do. You look so capable.
When you say, “Oh, no, honey, I’ve got it. I’ll finish up here,” you might think you’re being kind and giving your husband a break. But if that statement is a common occurrence in your household, what a man hears is, “Okay, now, run along, little boy. I’ll take care of it. You’ll only mess it up. So why don’t you go do something else?”
Men often feel like they’re not really needed at home—as if all the family wheels on the wagon will stay turning whether they’re home and involved or not. So encourage your man a bit, and he can be a wonderful resource. He may not do things like you do them, or as precisely as you do them, but he’ll get the job done. His dinner for the kids may not have all the food groups, but it’ll fill their tummies. His idea of giving the baby with the poopy diaper a bath may be to hose her off in the yard, instead of the loving play in the bath time you’d plan.
By the way, yes, I did that once—hosed my daughter off in the backyard—and caught all sorts of grief from my wife when she found out about it later. But I got the job done, the mess was all biodegradable, the baby got clean, and the neighbors got a chuckle to make their day better. What’s not to like about all that?
Men love to problem-solve. Want to see us shine? Hand us a problem, and we’ll pursue it until we solve it. Your husband wants to be your fix-it man, your go-to guy. Solving problems, in fact, addresses all three of our top needs—to be wanted, needed, and respected. Want some help? Just ask, and we’re happy to oblige. Otherwise, you might look like you’re doing so well handling things yourself that we wouldn’t dare to step in.
However, you might want to steer us in the right direction by clarifying the kind of assistance you need. For example: “I’m not sure how I can get everything done today that’s on my list. Could you take a look and see what you think is most important?” Handing him your checklist will accomplish your goal in more ways than one. It will give you a second set of eyes to look at what needs to be done and what could wait, plus it allows your husband to see all the things on your list. If he views what you need to do, it gives him the opportunity to say, “Well, I could help with items 3 and 5 over my lunch hour. Right after work I could do item 12. I could handle item 16 this weekend if you could wait until then.”
And look at that—you didn’t even have to nag for help! That wonderful husband of yours offered . . . all on his own.
When we men know that we are needed, we’re more than happy to step up to the plate.
We’re especially happy to help in the lovemaking department. If you aren’t feeling fulfilled in the area of foreplay, make some suggestions. “Honey, both of the kids will be gone tomorrow night for different activities. I was thinking maybe we could explore a little . . . you know, under the sheets. I especially like these two suggestions”—you slip a scribbled note in his hand—“and thought we might try them tonight.”
You can bet that man will work very hard to solve those “problems.” In fact, his brain will be working overtime between now and your tryst to come up with some other ideas too.
Respect me
As a man, your husband craves respect—respect for the work he does outside and inside the home, and respect for his position as someone who can make good decisions. He longs for you to respect his maleness—his strength, his logic, his ability to have a single-minded focus on a task. Great ways to affirm his masculinity are by saying things such as:
Statements like that assure your husband he is firmly entrenched in your heart and in your world. The same goes for when you tell the kids, “Okay, Daddy’s home, so hold your questions for me until I have time to talk with him.” Then you stop what you’re doing and give that husband of yours a real welcome-home hug and kiss—enough to make the kids flee, yelling, “Eeewww, that is so gross!”
But it’ll make your man grin from ear to ear because he knows that he’s your first priority, your number one.
When you treat your husband with respect, you’ll get respect back. Nobody’s perfect—you or your husband. Both of you will have bad days. But if you expect the best and treat each other that way, you’ll often get the best.
Meeting your husband’s top three needs is important foreplay for him. When he feels wanted, needed, and respected by you, he’ll meet your top three needs for affection, communication, and commitment. Even more, because of the competitive guy he is, he’ll work continually to up the ante on himself in those departments.
To have a new sex life by Friday, you both have to be willing to work on it and incorporate the principles of this book. But you won’t get anywhere if each of you thinks, Well, I’ll do it if my spouse makes the first move.
Somebody needs to make the first move. Why not you?
What Your Man Wants Most from You
We’ve already talked about a man’s top three needs and how meeting them can increase the sizzle in your relationship. Here are some other secrets you need to know to improve your marital intimacy.
Secret #1: We want to be your knight in shining armor.
The dashing knight on the white steed isn’t only for romantic movies. As old-fashioned as it sounds, your husband really does want to be that for you. He wants to ride into a hard situation, rescue you, and whisk you off into the sunset. He wants to serve you, protect you, defend you—not only physically but also emotionally. He doesn’t want anybody to mess with his wife on his watch.
If you need more romance and affection in your relationship, why not view and treat your husband as a romantic knight? When you affirm his masculinity and his protectiveness, you might be surprised at how knightly your husband will become. He may not be able to produce the white steed in your bedroom, but flowers, candles, and sweet somethings in your ear might be a good trade-off, don’t you think?
Secret #2: We want you to enter into sex enthusiastically.
There’s nothing more deflating to a husband’s masculine ego than a wife who has sex just because he says he wants it, because she’s supposed to do it as a “dutiful wife,” or because it’s written on a schedule as something they do every Saturday night. Then he feels like simply another item on her checklist. But show your pleasure, participate with gusto, tell him what feels good and where to touch, and your man will feel like the most desirable guy in the world. Your desire will drive him to new experimentation that he might otherwise be reticent to risk. And when you choose to initiate sex, you show that you want him and can’t get enough of him. Your words of love and direction reveal your need for him—and only him—and your respect for his masculinity.
Yes, sex matters to men greatly. But what’s even more important to us is watching you enjoy what we’re doing to you. That’s the ultimate rush of sensuality that drives us back for more marital intimacy.
You might be concerned that your thighs are a little thicker than you’d like them to be. Your husband isn’t thinking about that. He’s thinking, Wowza, I have this amazing woman all to myself. That was incredible sex. I wonder what I could do to turn her on even more next time.
Ever seen a male peacock fluff out his tail feathers and let out that shrill, piercing squawk to attract a lady friend? Well, that’s what happens psychologically to your husband when you enjoy his lovemaking. He’s watching you and thinking, I did that to her. Yup, it was me.
Let’s face it, though. A woman has cycles in which sex is not on her mind, nor is it comfortable for her. Ditto with times of exhaustion and stress. There are times when Mr. Happy is going to be unhappy. However, the key is showing desire and enthusiasm for the experience, even if that experience can’t happen right now. It’s also about discovering multiple creative ways you both enjoy to bring sexual satisfaction to each other (more about that in the Friday chapter).
Most men need to hold back their desire for sex a bit; most women need to dial up their desire. That’s because men have testosterone continually coursing through their body, whereas women’s estrogen levels fluctuate. Figuring out your sexual cycle—how often each of you craves sex—will help you talk about your sexual rhythm. Some are on 48-hour or 72-hour cycles, while others are on weekly cycles. How often you have sex isn’t up to someone else; it’s up to you. Some couples crave sex four nights a week, while others love snuggling together and having sex once a week, when they can take their time. What’s important is that you’re both fulfilled and satisfied by your sexual communication.
Secret #3: We want time alone with you, the person most important to us, to share our thoughts and feelings.
We men aren’t good at sharing thoughts and feelings. Doing so makes us uncomfortable. Seriously, do you see guys discussing things like this with their friends over a break at work?
“I felt really depressed again when I got up this morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this week.”
“Well, it’s been gray outside for a long time. Maybe you’ve got SAD or something.”
“SAD?”
“You know, seasonal affective disorder. A lot of people feel depressed if they don’t get to see the sun.” A pause, then, “Maybe you need one of those ‘happy lights.’”
“Hey, I’ve heard of those. Do they really work?”
“Well, my friend Mike . . .” The dialogue continues. “And it improved his sex life too.”
“Bet that would make my wife happy. I haven’t felt like having sex since summer.” A laugh.
“Maybe you need a little beach time—some sun, your toes in the sand, your wife bringing you one of those fruity drinks with the pretty umbrella in it to kick things off . . .”
No guy in his right mind would start or continue such a conversation. He’d simply pour himself a cup of coffee, exchange a nod with the other guy at the coffee machine, and go back to his chair to resume the project he was focused on.
That’s why your friendship and his time alone with you are so vital to improving your marital intimacy. That man of yours may rarely talk, but when he does, guess who he wants to talk to? You.
Some of you are saying, “Wow . . . then he barely talks at all.”
Now you’re on track with what I mean. You’ve got a bunch of friends you text, call, and go out to coffee with. If your husband is the typical male, he might exchange sports or weather statistics with some guys at the office, but the only real friendship he has, where he exchanges anything resembling feelings and emotions? Well, that’s with you. He wants you to be his listening ear and to respectfully support his decisions.
When there’s a boxing match and a break is called, the combatants go to separate corners to take a break, strategize, and regroup. That’s their safe place, where the other combatant can’t come after them. You are the person your husband most needs and wants in his corner. He craves your acceptance, your companionship, and knowing that he belongs to you. You are your husband’s “safe corner.”
Sometimes he even wants you to chase him around in that corner. When you pursue knowing more about him and meet his top three needs, including his sexual needs, his sigh of appreciation says more than an entire book’s worth of words ever could.
Secret #4: We want you to read us like a book and provide what we need (even when we don’t know what we need).
Let’s say your husband calls you on a Friday night. “I’m finally leaving work,” he says. “Do you want me to meet you someplace and we’ll get a bite to eat?”
“Oh, honey,” you say, “you sound a little down.”
He sighs. “Yeah, it’s been a rough week. Bad. Today’s the worst of them all.”
It’s a family tradition for you, your husband, and the kids to go out for dinner on Friday night. But you’re a smart woman, so you say, “Let’s not go out for dinner tonight. Why don’t I order a pizza and have it delivered? We can relax and have a quiet evening at home.”
There’s an even bigger sigh on the other end of the phone. “Pizza sounds great. I’m shot. See you in about half an hour.”
You get off the phone and think, Mmm, pizza. Okay then. You call Grandma, who lives close by. “Mom, you’ve been talking about taking the kids for a night. Would you be up for taking them tonight? I could have them ready for pickup in 10 minutes.”
“I’d love to,” Grandma says enthusiastically. “We could go see that new movie they’ve been talking about.”
You order a large pizza with all your husband’s favorite toppings while simultaneously getting the kids ready to head out the door. Twelve minutes later, they’re gone. You dash into the shower, then put on your favorite perfume and his favorite nightie. (Your favorite nightie is made of flannel; his is made of . . . well, something else.) You throw on a robe to receive the pizza delivery.
When your husband enters the kitchen, you’re standing there in your negligee, pizza box in hand like a master waiter. You say seductively, “I’m going to make this really simple for you. The kids are gone for the night. Would you rather enjoy pizza first . . . or enjoy me?”
Notice how fast the pizza box gets tossed to the side.
That’s why we have microwaves.
A smart woman learns how to read her husband. Most of us men don’t say a lot. We don’t naturally share our feelings very quickly. But when you learn to read us, and you pull off surprises like this, you’ll have a happy, relieved, thankful, would-knock-down-a-wall-for-you husband on your hands. There’s nothing better to relieve stress than a good romp in the hay with the one you love.
So let that man of yours be a male. Allow him to problem-solve, conquer, and be your knight in shining armor. Use that thrill-seeking spark that’s been there since boyhood to your best advantage—to launch a few adventures of your own.
Who knows? You might even do a few laps around the moon before you come back to earth.
Now wouldn’t that be fun?