Someone’s in Bed with You . . .
And it’s not only your spouse. How to identify the intruders and reclaim the space for the two of you.
You may think you’re having sex with just your spouse. But there are more than the two of you doing the mattress mambo. There are some things that never get unearthed in the average marriage that should be unearthed. But I don’t want you to have an average marriage, and neither do you. The average marriage lasts seven years, and both parties walk away with a lot of hurt.
You’re reading this book because you want the kind of marital intimacy and heart connection that draws you back together again and again. This chapter will help you identify who the intruders in your bedroom are so you can reclaim the space for the two of you.
On your wedding day, each of you carried a special book up the aisle . . . and then back down the aisle after you were pronounced husband and wife. You didn’t leave your books on the altar when you lit that unity candle. You didn’t start a new book together. No, your individual books are still with you everywhere you go, and they govern everything you do.
Your book is called My Sexual Rulebook, and it’s unique to you. It rules your marriage, including every aspect of your sexual communication. That book is what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable with certain sexual acts and decides how you’ll interact with your spouse. It was developed as you were growing up, based on experiences you had in your family of origin, with peers, and while dating, as well as anything that happened to you in the relational realm, especially in the way the opposite gender treated you.
Problem is, most couples have no idea they are carrying that book around or how it affects each of them. It’s time to uncover what your book says about your expectations of yourself, the opposite sex, and your relationship.
Why Mama and Papa Still Control Your Sex Life
Let’s take a look at the entries your parents have made in your rulebook. As you grew up, you also developed a life perspective—the way you view yourself, others, and life happenings—as a result of the following.
How your parents treated you
The kind of relationship you had with your parents has everything to do with how you expect to be treated by your spouse. Which of the following do you most closely identify with?
The princess/prince syndrome. Did everything revolve around you as you grew up? Did you get what you wanted when you wanted it? If so, you’ll naturally assume that the same techniques will work in your marriage—crying, faking illnesses, throwing tantrums, or giving the silent treatment. However, your spouse was raised in a different home and naturally assumes that things will work differently—the same way they did in his or her home. No wonder there’s friction between you.
The secure, balanced one. Did both of your parents treat you with respect? Ask your opinion about family outings—but not always follow your wishes? Children who grow up in a home where there is a healthy balance of parental authority, discipline, responsibility, and love tend to emerge as strong individuals who want to give back to the world around them. They also assume that other children grew up the same way, so they have high expectations that their spouse will be just like Mom or Dad.
The unnoticed one. Did you grow up in a home where you could have been missing from the dinner table and no one would have noticed? A lot of middle children feel this way. With a “star” firstborn who got a lot of parental attention because he was a super achiever and an entertaining baby of the family who was always up to something, a middle child often feels left in the dust. If you’re a middle child, you learned to be more secretive and cautious with family relationships. You didn’t say things that would raise a ruckus at home; you settled for the seas of life being smooth. As a result, you may have difficulty expressing your needs and wants in marriage. You find yourself simply going with the flow.
The inferior/criticized one. Did you grow up thinking you could never please your mother or father? When you did something wrong, no one needed to clobber you on the head, because you did a good enough job berating yourself. Now you bend over backwards trying to please your spouse. You’re afraid to say what you enjoy doing, because no one cared what you thought when you were growing up. You have a low self-worth, so it’s no wonder you’re uncomfortable telling your spouse what he or she could do to make you happy.
Or, because you had a critical parent, you may have gone the other direction, saying rebelliously, “Who cares? I’ll never be good enough for them, so why should I try?” Because of your insecurity, you’re critical and controlling in your marriage. If I’m in the driver’s seat, you reason, I’ll always go the direction I want to go. Often people who grow up with critical parents end up becoming flaw pickers themselves.
If you want to shut off marital intimacy quickly, criticize your spouse. After all, what woman in her right mind would risk wearing something slinky for a husband who eyes her and says, “Well, looks like you’ve got at least 15 pounds left to lose after having the baby, huh?” Or what husband would risk telling his wife, “I’d really like to try . . .” only to get a dour scowl and a vehement “Don’t even think about asking for that!”?
The rock-strewn path. Some of you experienced a tumultuous relationship with one or both parents, or you may not have been raised with parents. You didn’t have the understanding, caring role models you dreamed of. Instead, the adults in your life were distant emotionally or physically, or were verbally or physically abusive. You may have tried to be perfect to please that adult . . . and still failed. Likely, you exited your home with a lot of frustration toward family relationships in general.
If you’re a female, you have difficulty trusting men—and that includes the man you married, no matter how wonderful he might be. Often girls who hunger for a daddy’s love but don’t receive it are catapulted toward any kind of male attention. They spend a lifetime looking for their daddy’s affirmation, presence, and acceptance. If he wasn’t healthy or available, then he can’t be the role model she needs to show her how men should treat a lady. She’ll put up with behavior she doesn’t deserve because she thinks she’s not worthy of being treated right. If this is you, it’s not surprising if you’ve gone through an ex, or a series of exes, to get to the husband you have now—the one with whom you’re working to develop healthy marital intimacy. If you’re aware of why you hunger for male attention and the trust issues you have, and you share those with your spouse, you can work together to find solutions.
Each spouse needs to know, without a shadow of doubt, that he or she has equal value in the marriage and deserves security, love, and trust.
What their parenting style was
Were you raised not to cross your dad or mom, who took on the role of the ultimate authority? Were you allowed to ask questions, or were you simply told, “Do it because I said so”? Was your dad’s way the only way? Did your mom rule the roost? If so, you grew up in an authoritarian home. You were treated as “less than” merely because you were the child. You carry those feelings of frustration and inequality into the marriage, especially if the parent treating you that way was the opposite gender. If Daddy ruled with an iron fist, you as a woman unconsciously project your feelings against him on your unsuspecting spouse.
For example, let’s say your husband tells you, “After work tomorrow, I’m going to stop and look at used cars since the Toyota is having issues.”
How do you respond? “Fine. Do what you want. You would anyway.”
Your husband is stumped by your attitude. After all, you’re the one who got stuck on the expressway with the Toyota. He’s just looking out for your welfare. But you’re responding to his taking control because in childhood, you had no control with your dad calling all the shots.
In contrast, were you raised in a home where, if you wanted something, your mom or dad bent over backwards to get it for you? Did they snowplow your path, making excuses for you when you failed? Did they cover your backside so you wouldn’t get in trouble for something you did? If so, you were raised in a permissive home. You were used to getting your way. Now, in marriage, if you don’t get your way, you’re good at pouting or the silent treatment. Your spouse is stumped. Why is she acting that way? All I said was . . .
If you were raised in an authoritative home, where you were treated with respect, having equal value but playing a different role in the family than your parents, you are much more likely to work together with your spouse in harmony. You discuss issues that come up as they come up, because that’s the pattern you saw in your home. Because you had parents who engaged with you in a healthy way, you will tend to:
The way your parents interacted with each other
The patterns you’ve set in your marriage have a lot to do with the way your parents interacted with each other. Did they treat each other with respect and listen to each other’s ideas? Was there a healthy exchange on issues both large and small? Or did one run the home while the other was expected to go with those decisions? How they interacted as male and female helped develop your own perspective about how opposite genders should treat each other. You are living proof of their influence because the rulebook you carried into marriage had everything to do with your parents. If theirs was a negative influence, it’s time to pull back the sheets and kick them out of your bed. No one can change the past, but you can make a decision now to think and act differently in your own marriage.
If one of your parents ruled the roost and the other went along for the ride, you grew up with one controller parent and one pleaser parent. If you grew up with two controller parents, you got a hefty dose of people directing your life and telling you what to do. It’s no surprise if you feel guilt for never doing enough now and, deep down, you don’t feel good enough. If you grew up with two pleaser parents, it’s a miracle you learned to tie your own shoelaces and that your family ever got anywhere, because both had difficulty making decisions. They were too busy trying to “please” and make life easy for the other.
Interestingly, opposites do attract. If you’re a controller, you likely married a pleaser, and vice versa. Take a careful look at yourself and your spouse. In what ways have the patterns you saw in your parents’ relationship carried over to your own marriage?
Men, if you grew up in a home where your dad ran over your mom’s feelings and expected her to put up with it, you have a tendency to do the same thing with your wife. It’s time to retrain yourself. Each time you start to say or do something, think first, What will my wife think? How will she feel? Shower her with unconditional love and acceptance. Ask her opinion. Every day your spouse is longing for approval and acceptance from you—what she didn’t get from her parents. She needs your affection and your love.
Ladies, if you grew up always wanting to please your dad, who ruled the roost, it’s time to stand up for yourself. Your husband is not your daddy. What you think and how you feel matters greatly. You are half of this relationship. But unless you share what you think and how you feel with your husband, how will he know? He’s not a mind reader.
How your parents treated the topic of sex
Did your parents show positive physical affection—hugs and kisses—in front of you? Or were they stiff and perfunctory? How your parents related became ingrained in you as the way a man and woman should relate. If you grew up in a home where sex was regarded as dirty or distasteful, or not talked about at all, you would understandably be uncomfortable with the topic. After all, every time you engage in sex with your spouse, your parents’ words or disapproving stares flash into your mind. But portraying sex as disgusting and something you do only to procreate is so far from the truth. It’s the most amazing connection a committed couple can share.
If you grew up with Queen Victoria reigning in your home, it’s time to cut your mama’s apron strings and step away from your father’s dour expression when the word sex is even mentioned.
Let’s say you’re in the kitchen, starting on dinner, when you feel an amorous touch. You swivel toward your spouse. “What do you think you’re doing?” you spout.
“I just thought since the kids won’t be home for half an hour . . .”
You know what your spouse is thinking. A little appetizer before dinner would be nice. But there’s no way you’re doing that in your kitchen. It wouldn’t be right. You picture the shock on your mother’s face at such a thing.
Wait a minute. What is your mother doing in the middle of your sexual interlude with your spouse? Why is she telling you what’s okay to do, what you can’t do, and where you can or can’t do it? And who says she’d be shocked? Do you really know what your parents did when they had sex?
And you know they did have sex, right? After all, you’re living proof they had it at least once.
Who cares what your mother would think anyway? It’s your spouse who desires you, so why shouldn’t you go for it?
So what do you do next?
You smile seductively. “Just a minute.” You turn the burner off on the stove. “I want to give you my full attention.” And there, right in that kitchen, you take off everything you’re wearing and guide your spouse’s hand back to where it was.
Oh, the sweet music you can make together in half an hour. All because you decided to shoo Mama out your kitchen door.
And believe me, Mama isn’t the only one who needs to be shooed out of your sex life. So many men and women, especially those from conservative backgrounds, settle for less than what they can have because they’re so worried about what’s “okay” to do in sex and what’s not. One woman told me with great disgust after one of my seminars, “There’s no way I’m ever going to be on top. That’s not right. That’s the man’s role.”
Some people have a narrow perspective on sex that will greatly limit the pleasure they can have. But let me tell you something. Husbands love to be pursued. When a woman initiates sex, showing her desire for her man, that powerful aphrodisiac will keep him coming back for more.
Don’t settle for “less than.” Go for the wow factor. If you’re committed in marriage to each other, and you both agree on what you want to do together, the sky is the limit!
Your sex life is not up for discussion by anyone except the two of you. It’s certainly not to be shared with girlfriends over coffee. In fact, ladies, probably the biggest turnoff for men is if you talk about your sex life with your girlfriends. There’s a reason a man doesn’t like to share with others about his marital intimacy or what goes on in his bedroom. He wants to handle the matter himself.
Honor each other and increase your intimacy by kicking all others out of your bedroom, your kitchen, or anywhere else they tend to congregate. Instead, choose to focus on pleasuring your spouse. Be expressive, be creative. Unleash your charms in every form you can think of, all for the love of the person you married. Learn to let go of your preconceived notions of what sex should be and enjoy exploring together.
If you’re a man whose wife came from that “you don’t talk about sex and certainly don’t do it” background, you need to get behind your wife’s eyes. Realize why she’s reticent, even fearful, about sex. Then, because you love that woman, be patient and gentle. Make small moves toward broadening your sexual horizons together. Focus happily on what she is comfortable with doing and gain her trust. As she becomes more trusting and less fearful, she’ll be more willing to experiment.
What Your Life Mantra Has to Do with Your Sex Life
What your parents thought of sex and intimacy, how they responded to your body changes, and whether they discussed or avoided such “touchy topics” have everything to do with what’s going on in your marriage right now. That’s because their thinking and actions have become part of that sexual rulebook you still carry around. But they’ve also helped to form something else—your life mantra.
Think of your life mantra as the perspectives and life themes you live with every minute of every day. They govern what you think of yourself, what you think of others, and how you respond to others. Those themes also carry right into your bedroom and influence every interaction you have with your spouse.
If you want to know what your life mantra is, just finish this statement: “I only count when . . .”
Take a minute to make some notes. When do you count? Only when you’re doing something for the good of others? Only when you please others? Only when people approve of you? Only when you can control the relationship or run the show? Only when you put others first and exhaust yourself doing it? Only when everyone likes you?
Crazy as this may sound, that life mantra you’ve adopted affects every single thing you do. If pleasing others is the only time you count, you won’t be comfortable telling your spouse what you want and need. If controlling others is the only time you count, you won’t be comfortable asking your spouse what she wants and needs. See how it works?
So before we go any further, take a short time-out and make some notes. I’ll wait right here.
Discuss your findings with your spouse and do a little brainstorming. How might you take what you’ve learned and move your marriage to a deeper level?
It’s time to kick Mama and Papa out of your bedroom . . . for good. But you can’t take the steps to do that until you identify how they showed up there in the first place.
The Impact of Prior Sexual Experiences
Many of you reading this book have had sexual experiences prior to your current marriage. You may have been married previously. You may have had sex with other dating or casual partners. You may have experienced the trauma of childhood sexual abuse or rape. You may have discovered masturbation to relieve adolescent sexual pressure or oral sex because of peer pressure. You may have been introduced to pornography as a teenager. Some of you have struggled with thoughts of attraction to the same sex and ventured in that direction.
There’s a reason our Creator designed sex to be between two people committed in a marriage union for a lifetime. It’s because of the intimacy and intensity of the sexual act and the connection it creates emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Think for a moment. What do you remember about the first time you had sex? Was it a pleasant experience? A horrifying one? A disappointing one? Rife with feelings of betrayal and shock? A thrill beyond your wildest dreams? Whatever you encountered during that first time is imprinted on your mind and becomes part of your sexual rulebook. It tells you things like:
Because the sexual act is unforgettable, it makes sense that when you’re having sex with your spouse, images of the past will float in front of you—other faces, other times. Just wishing them away won’t solve the problem. Berating yourself with guilt for past actions won’t either. Accepting blame for being a victim of sexual abuse will only intensify your fear of someone doing that to you again.
What will help? Honest communication with your spouse. You don’t need to give details. But your spouse does need to know some general information about what happened and why you’re responding to him or her the way you are. Otherwise, without the basics, you and your spouse won’t be able to come up with what to do so you can get on the same page.
Here are some tips from couples in the trenches:
Romantic feelings will ebb and flow. But you can grow your intimacy if you put each other’s desires first. That means no holding back—that you’re willing to risk, to experiment, in order to fully give yourselves to each other.
Too many couples who said “I do” now go to bed at night and, by their actions, say to their spouse, “I don’t.” Don’t allow your sexual rulebook—all those dos and don’ts learned from your parents and your prior experiences—to control your relationship. You and your spouse deserve a wow relationship. An experience so sensual that you go to sleep intertwined, thinking, I can’t imagine anything better than this.
But then the next day it’s even better.
The Five Greatest Elephants on the Couch
Some things never get unearthed in the average marriage, yet they’re like the elephant on the couch. The elephant is definitely there, but neither husband nor wife pauses to ask, “Why is that critter sitting in our living room? What caused him to come into our home and sit there anyway?” Both simply walk around the creature, avoid him, and continue to let him sit there, taking up the space they could have to snuggle next to each other.
What are the five greatest killers of a healthy sex life? Unresolved conflict, hygiene, fatigue, a lack of affection and romance, and a lack of caring words.
Unresolved conflict
Some people tend to harbor grudges and mistrust. If you said something five years ago and it’s still a bone of contention with your spouse, that could easily hamper your sex life now. Until you remove that resentment by addressing the issue, your spouse will never be able to touch you in all the right places enough to bring you to ecstasy. Not as long as that issue continues to fester.
Let’s say you had a fight with your spouse 24 hours ago. Tonight you had sex. If you’re the male, you roll over and go to sleep thinking, Well, I took care of that little issue. If you’re the female, you’re still going over that argument point by point. Having sex didn’t solve the problem. In fact, if you weren’t in the mood but felt like you had to give it anyway, doing so only made you angrier.
Men, let me give you some sage, time-tested advice. If your wife seems angry, looks miffed, or acts annoyed at all, take care of the issue right then. Ask kindly and slowly, “Honey, I notice you seem a little upset. Have I done anything to offend you? If so, I’d like to know so we can talk about it.” That snippet of conversation, gentlemen, will win you the Oscar for “Husband of the Year.”
In many cases, the unresolved conflict has nothing to do with you. Maybe it was something your father-in-law or a colleague said, or dissatisfaction with life in general. Don’t assume the worst. However, any conflicts or unhappiness will affect your marital intimacy because one of you isn’t feeling your best.
Rob and Anna, a couple I know, purchased an older home and were in the process of rehabbing it so their three kids would each have their own bedroom. To do so, Rob decided they had to move the wall in the master bedroom. Six months later, he confided, “I don’t know what’s wrong with Anna. Maybe she’s going through a midlife crisis or early menopause. But she never wants to make love anymore.”
When I prompted him to figure out when the change had happened, a light dawned. For six months, one wall of their bedroom had been a thick plastic sheet. Maybe, just maybe, Anna felt a little too exposed to have sex in a bedroom that resembled a greenhouse.
After Rob’s eureka, the rehab project progressed like lightning, complete with extra sound-deadening insulation in the new wall. Soon Rob and Anna were back to their usual wow sex.
Sometimes it’s the little things that can make a big difference. But if you don’t know what they are, how can you fix them? Don’t make your spouse guess. Fill him or her in on how you’re feeling.
A year after their sex life was renewed, Rob and Anna still call that wall in the bedroom their “sex wall.” It’s their reminder to always talk about what’s bothering them . . . before it can become a major hurdle in their intimacy.
Hygiene
I just have to say it. Men, if you smell, your body is an automatic turnoff for your wife. Women have an acute sense of smell. Simply slathering on some cologne to cover up your BO won’t do the trick.
When you asked her on a date, did you take a shower? I hope so. So why would you not take a shower now before you start the romantic moves? Some 10W-30 motor oil and sweat from your basketball game with the guys after work aren’t on the list of the “Top 10 Enticing Aromas for Women.”
Back to your dating days. Did you change clothes, or did you wear the same thing you wore the day before, with only a quick sniff test? So why would you hop in bed with your wife wearing the same pair of Hanes briefs you wore yesterday?
Part of foreplay to women is you cleaning up your act so you look and smell good. To romance your wife, you need to craft a suitable environment, and your body is an important part of that setup.
Why am I addressing men in this section? Because you are the ones whose mothers had to constantly harp on you to take a shower when you were an adolescent. The teenage girls already were taking up more than their share of the bathroom time and didn’t need to be reminded. Now that Mama isn’t here to do the reminding (you did kick her out of your bedroom, I hope), I’m doing it for her. And since I’m a guy talking to guys, I can say it bluntly: if you stink, take a shower. Give that woman of yours a clean body to lavish her love on.
If you do, you’ll be amazed at all the new experiences she’ll be open to.
Fatigue
Fatigue is one of the biggest killers of a sex life. It leads men and women to become couch potatoes who’d rather watch late-night television than enjoy a glorious romp with their spouse. This sex killer hits women the most. It’s not that men don’t get tired—they do. For sex, though, men only need a place and they’re ready to go. Women need a reason, romance throughout the day, and a purposefully designed environment that’s conducive to lovemaking.
Even more, the person best equipped to help with a woman’s top three stressors that cause exhaustion is her husband! He can spell her with the kids and run errands she can’t. And ladies, here’s another bonus: if he sees what’s on your platter, he won’t be so demanding himself. Yes, taking time out of your schedule for sex and making it a priority can sometimes seem like one more thing to do. However, if you have a happy, fulfilled hubby, then you’ll have a man who will plunge in and help, and your three stress factors will be greatly lessened. Working together as a couple to solve problems and stresses will make you more aware of, and appreciative of, what each of you does.
And that will lead to more appreciation under the sheets too.
A lack of affection and romance
A woman in particular needs touches of romance throughout the day to set the mood. But both men and women need affection—kisses, hugs, touches, heart closeness, caring about the little things in each other’s day—in order to crave the culmination of sexual oneness. If there’s no affection or warmth in a relationship, there’s no possibility for sizzle in the bedroom. What man wants to have sex with a woman who puts him off, saying, “Not now, dear,” or “We just had sex last month”? What woman wants to have sex with a man who sits in his boxers belching pizza as she runs around taking care of the kids? No wonder she barks a loud “No!” when he approaches her for a quickie before the late news.
Affection is about the little things—meeting each other’s needs and desires throughout the day. It’s a wife tucking an “I love you” note in her husband’s lunch. It’s a husband calling to say he’ll pick up the groceries so she can go straight home from work.
Romance is the single flower a husband plucks from their backyard and puts in a vase for his wife when he brings her tea in the morning. It’s the kiss a wife gives her husband when he arrives home from a business trip, as well as the lingering caress and the promise of more later.
Romance is also thinking in advance of an environment that will please your spouse. Since the majority of couples who have sex don’t talk about it, though, many couples have no idea what their spouse prefers in bed.
How much do you really know about what your spouse likes?
Knowing the answers to these questions and providing romantic setups that include these favorites will go a long way with the spouse you love.
Karen wrote me because she was concerned that her husband didn’t seem as attentive and affectionate as he used to be. “I know he loves to see me in a skirt—he says that turns him on,” she said.
“When’s the last time you wore a skirt?” I asked.
“Well, I’m kind of a jeans-wearing woman,” she replied. She hadn’t worn a skirt in six months.
“You know what your husband likes, so why not do it?” I encouraged her.
That night when her husband came home, Karen was wearing a skirt. She walked toward him, kissed him tenderly on the cheek, and whispered, “I don’t have any underwear on.”
Wow, talk about that man dropping his computer case on the floor in a hurry.
See how little it takes to turn your sex life around?
If you’ve never bought a teddy and worn it, now’s the time . . . and make it black, your husband’s favorite color.
If you’ve never worn silk boxers but your wife adores silk, purchase a pair . . . and make it red, her favorite color.
If you’ve never made love by candlelight, go buy a bunch of candles. They’ll be worth every penny when you see the admiration for the beautiful setting in your wife’s eyes.
If you’ve never initiated sex and displayed yourself in all your beautiful nakedness, take a risk tonight. Watch the delight and desire sweep over your man.
If you want a wow sex life by Friday, start by doing a few things differently to up the romance. Give a little, and you’ll get a lot.
A lack of caring words
You go to the dentist every six months to have plaque removed from your teeth. Sometimes marriages need plaque removed too. Plaque builds up in marriages when you volley cheap shots back and forth. If you don’t work on removing it, soon you’re unable to have any feelings for that person you’re married to. Then you announce, “I don’t love you anymore.” But is that really true? If you got under that plaque, you’d rediscover the original feelings that drove you to fall in love with each other in the first place.
I want you to imagine something for a minute. One week from today, you’re standing next to the coffin of your mate. How would you feel? Too many couples spend their time majoring on minors. They pick at each other, getting bogged down in the little things and giving each other grief for them. Here’s a wonderful piece of advice for all couples: don’t let the sun go down on your anger.1 If you’re upset with each other for any reason, talk it out before you hit the sack. Each day is a new start, and it should be one.
There’s no such thing as a perfect person. We’re all imperfect beings who get crabby and grumpy. We say things we don’t mean. The main thing is that when we’re unkind, we say four important phrases and mean them: “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I love you.” And when our spouse has one of those days, we extend grace to him or her.
However, no couple can thrive without caring words. We all need nurturing love and unconditional acceptance within a safe environment. That means criticism and competition have no place in a marriage. As we’ll discuss in the next chapter, words are a very powerful tool. They can bring you closer, even driving you to a new sexual peak, or pull you apart in cutting scenes that hamper your willingness to risk with each other in the future.
What kinds of words are you using with your spouse? The words you choose to use all day go straight to your spouse’s heart and also walk into the bedroom with you at night. When you open your mouth, do you focus on the short term—what needs to be done or didn’t get done? Or do you focus on connecting with your spouse?
Neither of you is like the other. But you need each other. It’s what makes the marriage merry-go-round both challenging and oh so fun.
Making Love with Everything You’ve Got
This last section of the chapter may make some of you blush. Others of you, especially those from conservative backgrounds, might be downright uncomfortable. But you picked up this book for a reason, right? You want things to be different in your marriage. Otherwise you’d just be channel surfing for entertainment instead of reading this book.
I asked you to set aside your inhibitions for the sake of a growing, intimate relationship with your spouse. So just hear me out on what I’m going to say next. Then you and your spouse can decide for yourselves the direction you wish to take your love life.
Now that you’ve kicked out the people who’ve been in bed with you, you’ve identified what’s in your rulebook and the previous experiences that are hampering your ability to enjoy sex, and you’re aware of the five greatest sex killers, it’s time to start making love with everything you’ve got.
Especially for men
Let’s be blunt. It doesn’t take long for Mr. Happy to get excited. Sometimes you even reach that sexual peak and ejaculate before your wife is ready. It happens to a lot of men. But frankly, your penis is the last thing you should make love with.
Yes, you read right. There are other body parts you should be using first in foreplay with your wife—your tongue, your fingers, your lips, your breath, your teeth, even your feet. So why not get creative and use anything you can think of to pleasure your wife? Most women can’t achieve orgasm through penetration; they need stimulation of the clitoris to do so. It takes a lot longer for women to reach a sexual peak and ride those waves than it does for Mr. Happy.
A satisfying sexual experience doesn’t mean you both have to climax at the same time. It means you both walk away sexually satisfied. So concentrate your efforts on helping your wife achieve her orgasm first. If you do that, she won’t care if you come early, late, or at the same time. She’ll be too busy loving every sensation.
Especially for women
Biologically, a man can quickly cross a threshold where there is no turning back. He will have to ejaculate. This especially happens with young couples, where the man is in his most testosterone-charged years of life. If your husband ejaculates prematurely a lot of the time, there’s a great fix for that. If you have a romantic evening planned, as soon as your husband wakes up in the morning, give him a quick preview of what he’s going to get later. Expelling some of the semen and sexual tension will assist him in being able to give you the romantic play you’re longing for later.
Many women, especially those with limited sexual experience, don’t know how best they can reach sexual pleasure. What areas need to be touched? With what kind of touch? In what combinations to get the best result? When in foreplay, encourage your husband to touch you by moving his hand to certain areas and also telling him, “Would you kiss me here?” while pointing to that area.
But sometimes a woman needs to do a little exploration on her own. That means she touches herself in specific areas to see what combinations lead her to climax, so she can be a good teacher to her husband.
Some of you right now are very uncomfortable as you read this. The very word masturbation makes you squirm. But please, hear me out.
If a husband or wife uses self-stimulation to avoid intimacy with their spouse, that is selfish and destructive. If they use self-stimulation to figure out how to make the sexual experience more pleasurable with their spouse, then they are doing a great thing—working toward a deeper intimacy and thus strengthening their marriage. They are training themselves to be better lovers. They are, in essence, working out sexually to improve their sexual health.
For those who grew up in Victorian environments, who wouldn’t have dared say the words penis or vagina in their home of origin, self-stimulating exercises may be even more important. If you aren’t comfortable touching your own body, you won’t be comfortable with your spouse touching you in various areas of your body either. And if you experienced sexual abuse and continually flinch when your spouse touches you in a private area, you will need to relearn some patterns in order to enjoy a rich, rewarding sex life with the person you love. But when you prepare for sex by learning how to best have a climax, you are giving a wonderful gift to your lover.
Why not use everything in your power to create great sex together?