Why Women Need Sex
Why sex is integral to a woman’s life, what she wants most of all, and what stops her from wanting sex.
Too Pooped to Whoop
Q: I’m a stay-at-home mom, and we have three young kids. My husband comes home from work, eats dinner, and then watches TV for a couple of hours to wind down. In the meantime I’m stuck with the cleanup, the kids’ baths, putting the kids to bed, etc. When I finally get them tucked in, I’m exhausted. A fling is the last thing I want. A foot rub and a shower is more like it. Then again, being a mom is my job, and his is working all day. Still, I can’t help but feel a little touchy about it. Am I way off here in expecting some help?
A: You’re not way off; you’ve hit the nail on the head. And of course you’re touchy. You made the difficult decision to stay home and take care of those kids, and that job is 24/7. You can’t do that without some relief. It doesn’t help that your husband expects you to fulfill not only all the kids’ needs but his too. So he works a 9-hour day; you work a 24-hour day. Chances are, you’re the one who also gets up with the kids at night.
It’s time to take a stand—and to stand up for yourself. When my wife went to a ladies’ group for three hours when our two girls were very young, I thought she’d been gone for three days instead of three hours. I was utterly exhausted by the time she got home. Those several hours gave me an incredible appreciation for all she did and kicked off my idea of taking our kids out for a few hours every Saturday morning so she could sleep in.
Your husband needs a good dose of reality. Running in your sneakers for a while will give him a firm grasp of what you do. Then things will turn around in your house.
So do this. The next time he’s in the house with the kids, quietly stash everything you need for the next three hours in the car. Then tell him, “Okay, I’ll be back in three hours. You’re on to take care of the kids.” Then make a swift and gracious exit before he can argue.
I can guarantee that for the next three hours he won’t be snoozing in front of the boob tube. He’ll be running point with all three of your kids and too pooped to whoop by the time you get home. You, on the other hand, will feel fresh as a daisy after time by yourself. When he gets the picture of what you do all day, he’ll be much more helpful with the kids and around the house, and you’ll have more energy for that bedroom activity he has in mind.
His Ex Is Gorgeous
Q: I was cleaning out some memory boxes a month ago when I came across a picture of my husband with his ex. His really gorgeous ex. Complete with perfect body in a red bikini on a beach. I felt sick inside. I’m just average, and I definitely don’t look good in a bikini. I can never be her. Since I found that photo, sex hasn’t been as fun because I’m always thinking, How can I ever measure up? She’s always floating around in the back of my mind. I feel so . . . plain next to her. How can I get over that feeling so I can enjoy sex again?
A: It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others and think the grass is greener on their side of the fence. Sure, your husband’s ex might be gorgeous. But he’s not with her now, is he? He’s with you. He chose you. That means you have something his ex didn’t, and that’s what attracted him to you. You don’t have to measure up to her; you never did. You may not have a perfect body in a red bikini, but you can set up a tent in the backyard and create a blissful experience all your own. Let me tell you, the word plain won’t even enter your husband’s thoughts inside that tent . . . or anywhere else you’re together either.
He Forgot Our Anniversary!
Q: I’m crushed. We’ve been married three years, and my husband forgot it was our anniversary. How can he remember the scores of the last NFL game and forget the day we got married?
On our first anniversary, he booked a romantic restaurant, got down on his knees, and gave me a diamond heart necklace because he said I’d captured his heart. For our second anniversary, he hand-delivered a dozen red roses with a note that said, “I’d marry you all over again,” brought home my favorite takeout food, and set up a romantic dinner with candles on our deck. This year . . . nothing. He didn’t mention it at all. Even me wearing a hot new nightie didn’t flag the event for him. I didn’t say anything; I don’t want to embarrass him or make him feel bad. But what happened? Is our marriage not important to him anymore?
A: Hey, he’s two for three. You know, if he keeps that up, he’ll be in the Hall of Fame!
Some guys miss things like holidays. Believe it or not, some even miss Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day. I know you’re hurt. But it really isn’t anything personal. Your guy isn’t a multitasker like you are. He thinks of one thing at a time. If something is heavy on his mind, he may not even remember what day it is, as much as he loves you. Give that guy of yours a break. Thinking of those romantic gestures for your first two anniversaries is definitely not the normal “guy thing” to do. Briefly mention that he forgot your anniversary, which was a disappointment to you, but then move on. You’ve got a keeper.
This is what I’d do. Start a calendar on Google Drive and add any event that you want him to remember. It will then pop up on his phone or computer. Make the reminders playful and give him a couple days’ notice, so he can plan (we guys like to plan). “Anniversary #3 in two days . . . counting down to some major fun!” The next day: “Anniversary #3 tomorrow. Can’t wait to model the hot new nightie I bought for you.” And then, on the actual day: “Happy #3 anniversary, hon! I’d choose you all over again. And I can’t wait to show you how much. PS: The new nightie is a fiery red, and there’s not a whole lot of it. See you soon.”
Here are some alternate fun ideas for the night before your anniversary or the morning of:
If that guy of yours has completely forgotten what day it is when he sees your message, he has at least 9 or 10 hours to come up with something. Remember, he’s doing it for you.
Now isn’t that a lot more fun than being miffed that he forgot your anniversary? I bet that man of yours will come up with a few surprises all his own. Men are predictable; they will forget. However, if he sees an event on his calendar or you flag it with a note, then that logical man has the opportunity to plan ahead. That’s a bonus for both of you.
A man gets high A’s in scoring from a woman if he thinks through an event, initiates it, plans it, and gives it his best effort. So why not give your guy the chance to do that rather than feel like a schmuck when he realizes he forgot?
A calendar of events (thanks to my smartphone) keeps me in sync with all the happenings of my wife, each of my five kids, my three sons-in-law, and my four grandchildren. And what the calendar doesn’t take care of, my wife happily does. It doesn’t hurt that she’s a firstborn and she loves to tell me what to do anyway, and I’m a baby of the family, so I’m used to being told what to do, where to go, and what time to be there. Do that nicely, like my wife does, and your husband will appreciate it too.
Sometimes you won’t be able to celebrate a special event on the same day. My birthday is September 1, but this year I got my birthday card on October 4. On my actual birthday I was flying to New York to do a TV show. So my wife decided to surprise me by moving my birthday to October 4, complete with family party and gifts. It was classic Mrs. Uppington. My dear bride didn’t want to simply tell me happy birthday on the phone; she wanted to celebrate me.
Focus on what’s most important—that your wonderful spouse chose you to do life with.
Haunted by First Sexual Experience
Q: I had sex for the first time when I was 15. I thought I was in love, but I was terribly wrong. My partner wanted nothing to do with me the next day or any day afterward. I was only another punch in his “man card.” After that, I only wanted to get out of high school and away from that guy and all his friends, who thought I was someone they could use.
I met my husband in college. He was different—a guy I could trust and who believed in waiting for sex until marriage. We did great together until our honeymoon, when we had sex for the first time. I was really uncomfortable, and I know my husband noticed. I could see the disappointment in his eyes.
We’ve been married for two months now, and we’ve only attempted sex a couple more times. I could barely wait for it to be over. I love my husband, I think he’s sexy, and I want to have sex with him. But I can’t. What’s wrong with me, and how can I fix it?
A: Clearly your first sexual experience was dreadful—scary and a disaster. You certainly don’t have any positive feelings about it. Your first partner hurt you, used you, and betrayed you. First sexual experiences imprint themselves heavily on our minds because of the intense emotions involved, combined with the physical act of sex. Your memory of that event will always be there. But it doesn’t have to overshadow your joy in the present with your husband—the man who loves you and cares about your well-being. I know that’s easier said than done. However, unless you can forgive that boy in your past who used you and betrayed you, and call that experience what it was—a hormonal young man who only wanted you for sex, and you were needy enough to fall into that trap—you won’t be able to move on. You were 15. You didn’t know then what you know now.
It’s important to separate your husband from that boy who used you. You said your husband is a man you can trust. In fact, that rock-solid man cared so much about you that he waited for sex, so your first time together would be in the safe boundaries of marriage. That says a lot about his character in our sex-saturated world.
You may also feel guilty that you couldn’t give him what he gave you—his virginity. If so, now’s the time to come clean if he doesn’t know about your past. Yes, it will hurt, and you need to be prepared for his feelings of shock, anger, and betrayal, but it’s information he needs to have so you can work through your reticence about sex together. Tell him that you wish you would have waited for sex. That you wish he was your first. That if you could go back and have a redo, you’d wait for him. Ask for his forgiveness for not waiting. Assure him that you desire him and find him sexy. That you ache to feel close to him and need his help in overcoming your memories.
Then celebrate by having some passionate sex where you focus on his face, so his image is emblazoned in your mind and connected to sexual play. Explore all of him and allow him to explore all of you. Practice often until your memories are filled with him and the intimacy you’ve experienced together. Then that hormonal boy who used you will recede into the distant past.
Retired and Driving Me Crazy
Q: I love my man, but he’s driving me crazy. He recently retired from a job he’s had for nearly 40 years, and now he’s home way too much. He spends his day following me around, telling me what I should do differently. I know murder’s a capital crime, but it’s becoming increasingly tempting. How can I get him to stay out of my business when he no longer has a business of his own? I want to send him away on a long vacation by himself.
A: Well, Arizona is nice this time of year, and it also has a lot of golf to keep him busy. Seriously, it sounds like your guy is having a hard time retiring and can’t figure out what to do with himself. You’ve rowed your own canoe for a lot of years in managing the house and all those details, but now he’s trying to take over the rowing, and it’s driving you bonkers. Rightfully so. As a football coach’s wife told me once, “I figured out why we got along so well—because my husband was always gone.”
Now that you’re in the same space 24/7, some role definition is in order. Have a meeting to decide who will take care of what. Draw up a checklist. If he wants you to shop at three stores instead of the one you go to in order to get the best bargains, then why shouldn’t he do the grocery shopping? He’ll discover fast enough it’s not as easy as he thinks. Ditto with paying the bills. If you’re stressed and have a lot on your platter, and he has the time, why shouldn’t he ease your burden a little? However, it’s important that you each have your own tasks, so he isn’t redoing yours and frustrating you, and vice versa.
Men need to be needed by their wives. When they no longer have their life’s work to keep them busy, they start to cast about, identity-less. If you don’t allow him to make some of the daily tasks his to manage, he’ll become a flaw picker who will drive you insane.
We’re all creatures of habit. Retirement can be a time of great turmoil for a couple, or a time where a couple can kick back and enjoy doing things they’ve never had the opportunity or resources to do before. Encourage your spouse to pursue things he’s interested in. Check out the community college for a class you might want to take together—social media, ballroom dancing, ceramics, or how to start your own business on the internet.
Most of all, relish those long sunsets, languid soaks in the tub, and leisurely lovemaking that you didn’t have time for when the kids were underfoot. They’ll make the retirement years exciting ones worth celebrating.
How Much Sex Is Normal?
Q: I don’t know how to ask this, but . . . how much sex is healthy, and how much is a problem—like sexual addiction? My husband is about to wear me out. We’re two years into our marriage, and he acts like he’s still on our honeymoon. He constantly needs sex. Every night, as soon as we finish our last bite of dinner, he’s ready to head to the bedroom. I’m ready to do the dishes, put some sweats on, and take care of other house stuff. I wouldn’t mind if he just wanted to snuggle, watch a movie, and maybe fondle a little, but he always wants the hot, sweaty kind where I’m exhausted afterward. Then I still have to do the dishes and anything else that needs to be done before morning. Worse, he expects me to want sex too, when he’s ready for it.
What’s normal for a guy who is 30 years old? I’m only four years older, but suddenly I’m feeling a lot older and pretty stressed too. Sometimes I just want time to paint my toenails or do something for myself, you know?
A: Some individuals have higher sex drives than others. It can be the husband or the wife. There’s nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, as long as that spouse is sensitive, affectionate, and thoughtful toward his partner. Sometimes he should forgo his drive for sex and simply snuggle his partner.
But from what you said, I think you married a control freak. Yes, he may have a high sex drive, but if he expects you to always be ready when he is, then that’s a control issue. He wants it when he wants it. And if he always craves the same kind of sex—hot and sweaty—then he also wants sex the way he wants it. He’s not being considerate of you and your needs.
It’s also possible he may be sexually addicted. Have you noticed him being drawn to sexually explicit images? Does he want to watch sex-laden movies? Does he quickly shut his laptop when you enter the room? If so, he may be drawn into the world of pornography. If he is, he will grow less sensitive to you and become even more forceful about pushing what he wants. People who are drawn to pornography see others as objects to be used rather than as spouses to love and relate to.
In your case, though, control seems to be the issue. He wants to know that he can control the sex part of your relationship—to get it when he wants it. Talk with your husband. Say, “Honey, sometimes I don’t feel like having sex every night. I need to get other things done. Is there a reason you feel you need sex that often?” Tell him you want to have sex with him; it’s important to you too. But you feel demeaned when he demands sex of you so often and at a specific time. Either he’ll respect you and listen . . . or he won’t. If he doesn’t, try this experiment.
Go ahead and please him with sex when he wants it—after dinner. He’ll think you’ve given in, that you’re over your little tirade of words. Let him go to sleep thinking that. But then, sometime in the middle of the night, wake him up. Tell him you didn’t get enough after dinner—that you want more sex right then and there. Take control and launch into the variety that he seems to like. Give it to him with gusto.
Do the same thing the next night—have sex after dinner, the way he wants it, and wake him up in the middle of the night for more. Yes, you’ll be tired (take a nap if you can during the day), but aren’t you tired anyway from the demands? Don’t you want things to change?
Keep doing the experiment until you start to see some adjustments. If he’s the controller I’m guessing he is, within a month he won’t be able to get an erection. He won’t be asking for sex after dinner every night. He’ll want to snuggle and watch that movie sometimes. Then the two of you can figure out together how much sex each of you needs, and he’ll be more respectful and considerate.
Aging—Sex at a Standstill
Q: My husband’s a healthy guy, with a usual sexual appetite. But when he hit his midfifties last year, we kinda hit a standstill. I’m eight years younger and am still craving sex with the man I love. He seems normal in every other way. Could it be me? He’s less interested in me, or less interested in sex in general? Should I be concerned? Any ideas?
A: Hey, been there and done that. The years do take their toll. Mrs. Uppington and I are down to four or five times a week now, but we’re dealing with it. Seriously, as men age, their testosterone levels and energy levels change. It happens to the best of us. As we get older, we have less energy. However, does that mean your sex life should stall? No. Gently tell your husband that you miss having sex with him, or having sex as frequently. Tell him you desire him and your feelings of wanting to be close to him haven’t changed. Suggest that the two of you set up a doctor appointment for him to get the ol’ plumbing checked out. Ask the doctor for suggestions based on the results, and decide together what options you’re comfortable pursuing.
The most important thing is that the two of you are open with each other about how you’re feeling. You may have to adapt your expectations as you come up with new ways to fit his current sexual drive with your craving for sex. Ask yourself, Do I really want more sex? Or is it the intimacy of sex that I’m missing? The answers to those questions will help you and your husband formulate a plan for moving forward.
The good news is, as we men age, we’re more comfortable with cuddling and closeness—the two things women desire most. So use that to your advantage.
I Have Two Babies—My Child and My Husband
Q: We had our first baby four months ago. With the lack of sleep and breast-feeding, I’m exhausted. I’m barely surviving here. I sleep like a baby—I’m up every two hours.
I dream of eating hot food for dinner. My husband goes to work during the day and comes home expecting everything to be like it was before we had the baby. Dinner on the table at six o’clock and a willing wife in bed. Now I’m lucky if I can cook a simple one-dish meal and don’t have spit-up all over my T-shirt. I feel anything but sexy. But as soon as I get the baby down, my husband wants to get to other business, and sex is not on my mind. All I want to do is sleep when our daughter is sleeping.
My husband’s getting grouchy. He says I don’t have time for him anymore. But I don’t know what else to do. I’m at the end of my energy level by the time I get the baby to bed.
A: Your husband is acting like a four-year-old who shaves. The world isn’t all about him; it’s about the three of you as a family. Of course you can’t pay as much attention to him. You’re the only one who can breast-feed that baby, but you’re not the only one who can make dinner, do laundry, etc. Your husband is acting like a child instead of a man and needs to step up to the plate. You don’t need a second baby. You need a real man who will stand by your side and do anything and everything, including changing diapers that require a hazmat suit.
Gently say to him, “Honey, I’d love to have some private time with you tonight. You know what I mean.” Lift your eyebrows sensuously and smile. “But I’m starting to get really tired. If you could watch the baby and take care of the dishes while I shower, that would be great.”
Then take an extra-long shower. Even a little time where he’s all the way responsible for your baby should be an eye-opener. He can also learn to fold some laundry while he watches television. After all, his underwear and socks are in that basket too.
However, you’re not off the hook. I know you’re tired, and no wonder. But when that baby grows up and heads out the door, guess who will still be there? Your husband. That’s why reserving some time and energy just for him is so important. So let those dust bunnies go. Take a nap when your baby does in the afternoon, to regain some of your energy.
Housework can wait. People need attention. Right now your baby will claim a lot of yours; she’s helpless without you. But your husband also needs your attention. Streamline when you can. Serving macaroni and cheese on paper plates and asking friends, Grandma, and trusted babysitters for help are all doable and very good for upping your marital intimacy. Then your grouchy bear will be smiling like a cross-eyed Siamese cat and be willing to help you more, and your own stress level will go down and your sleep quotient will go up.
Is My Spouse Having an Affair?
Q: My husband’s sex drive has slowed way down. He also seems to have a lot of extra projects at work, where he has to stay late, and sometimes he misses dinner. I’m a little worried. What if he’s having an affair?
A: A lot of men have times where their sex drive slows down for various reasons, including aging, career stress, or tension in the home. Your husband could simply be overstressed and tired from the extra workload. When the extra projects are done, he’ll return to his normal sex drive.
Or, yes, something else could be going on. The first place to look is your relationship. Is your home a place of tension? Do you nag him about getting house repairs done when he walks in the door? Or do you welcome him with a kiss and open arms, even when he can’t get everything done you’d like him to?
Another option is that your husband might be having an affair. If so, here are a few clues.
All those are simple clues that your spouse could be having an affair. If you do see any of those signs, be street smart. Check out the calls and texts on his cell phone, as well as his email messages and credit card charges. No, you shouldn’t turn into a snoop, but women are very intuitive. If you have a gut feeling he might be having an affair, quietly follow through on some basic checkup. Just you, though—no calls to your girlfriends or your mother. Don’t involve anyone else with your suspicions.
It’s always better to know the truth than to wonder. And until you know, do not have sex with your husband. You certainly don’t want to catch any disease that he might have contracted from a sexual partner who may have had multiple partners before him.
Perhaps the next time he calls to say he is working late and won’t need dinner, stop by the office with some of his favorite takeout. If he isn’t there, go back home. When he arrives home, don’t interrogate him. Don’t say right away that you paid him a visit and he was AWOL. Just say, “Wow, had to work late again, huh? That must be some project!” If he says, “Yeah, I worked until 6:30, and then Marty and I ran to Wendy’s to grab a bite so we could go back and finish,” you’ll know he was likely working and you just missed him. But if he’s evasive or doesn’t mention he ran out to get a bite to eat, it’s time to level with him. “You know, it’s interesting. I was concerned you might be hungry, so I stopped by with your favorite takeout, and you weren’t there. . . .”
If he isn’t having an affair and he’s simply overstressed and overworked, think of some solutions to his busyness. Are there things he regularly does at home that you could do for a while? And since everyone has to eat, could you pop in once a week and bring him dinner at the office? Even 15 minutes of eating takeout food together over his desk can help connect the two of you. And frankly, it sends a message to any female colleagues who might be hovering: This man is definitely taken.
Romance Flew out the Window after “I Do”
Q: My dad’s a romantic kind of guy. He kisses my mom every time he returns after being away from her, even if he’s only going out to the garden shed. He brings her flowers spontaneously—no special occasion needed. When we were dating, my boyfriend was really romantic too. I loved that about him. I’d get flowers at least once a week, little notes under the windshield wipers on my car, and calls at work on my lunch hour.
Then we got married. Romance went out the window almost as soon as we said “I do.” It’s like as soon as we got married, some hidden switch was flipped. He started working really long hours, and romance was over. How can I get some of that old romance back?
A: Men can be so goal directed and driven that they drive right past you. Give your guy some credit, though. He believes he’s making love to you by climbing the corporate ladder and working 12-plus hours a day. Most guys have one-track thinking, unless they’re schooled otherwise. Your guy was competing to win the prize—you—and evidently he did a great job since he won your hand. Once you were married, he smiled and thought, Hey, I got the marriage job done. Check. So, what should I go after next? You see, healthy men are driven to accomplish what they set out to do. When he was dating, he pulled out all the stops to pursue you. He combed his hair, brushed his teeth, and even selected a shirt that wasn’t from the rumpled stack on the floor beside his bed.
However, once he won you, his thoughts naturally moved to the next competition—whether that was building his career, saving for a home, etc. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less; it’s simply that he believes he accomplished the marriage job. He has secured you for a lifetime. If you think about it, that’s actually a compliment! He knows he won your heart and is safe and secure in your love, so he can go on to his next challenge. That’s what he’s wired to do.
You, on the other hand, long for the little romantic gestures he used to do. You don’t want to be the prize that’s won only once. You want to know every day that you are special to him and that he thinks of you.
Since that guy of yours is clueless, as many guys are about romance, here’s what I suggest. To get his undivided attention, touch him when you say, “Honey, I love you so much. I remember all the romantic things you’ve done for me. Every time you brought me a single flower, I felt special. I knew you’d picked me out of all the women in the world to love.” Fluff up his manly feathers a little to get him on the same page with you. Then conclude with, “I know you’re really busy right now with work, but I miss those little gestures. I’d love it if you did a few of them for me every once in a while.”
Your guy will probably look shocked. “But, honey, you know I love you, right?” he says. “I told you that once, when I asked you to marry me, and nothing has changed.” See what I mean? He thinks he got the marriage job done well and has been resting in the security of that. He’s seen the best of you and the worst of you, and he still loves you. But if you explain to him that the little gestures are important reminders to you of his love, and that as a woman you need those, he’ll get the picture.
One last thing. Your husband is not your dad. He’s probably like him in many ways, because women often marry someone very much like their father. But you can’t expect him to parrot what your dad does. Your husband is his own person, and the two of you have a unique relationship. Expecting him to be your dad, who is unusually romantic, will only lead to disappointment for you and frustration for him.
Let him be the man you married. He may not be the Don Juan he was when you were dating, but I know something for certain. After your gentle discussion, you better go get that flower vase ready. I’d bet you a Benjamin Franklin you’ll get a delivery in the near future.
Q: My husband says he’d really like me to initiate sex sometimes. I’m not comfortable with that. It’s a little embarrassing. What if I initiate sex and he’s not in the mood? Then what do I do? And why is it such a big deal to him that I’m the one who starts the process?
A: There are only four men in the continental United States and Canada who don’t like the idea of the love of their life pursuing them. Most men just don’t verbalize it. Good for your husband for telling you what he wants. It’s hard enough for us guys to share our feelings and desires, much less to tell you something like that.
Every person carries around a sexual rulebook. We often don’t know we have it until situations like this come up. Let me guess. You grew up in a conservative home where you were taught that the man should be the leader in all areas, including in romance and sex. In other words, men should chase women, not the other way around. Now your husband is basically asking you to chase him. You’re uncomfortable with that because your husband is asking you to bend the “rule” you grew up with. But who says that rule is right? We all have rules, and we get them from the perceptions of life we form as we grow up.
I suggest that each of you take out the rulebooks you grew up with and examine them together. What do they say about the roles of men? The roles of women? As you study your rulebooks, you’ll understand each other better and be able to brainstorm solutions you’re both comfortable with.
Realize that anything you try for the first time will feel awkward. But if you love your husband, you’ll affirm his masculinity by initiating sex sometimes. As for him not being in the mood? If you desire to please him and crook your little finger, I doubt you’ll have any problem.
Men like both to do the chasing and to be chased. It makes us feel powerful and virile to experience both sides. Then we’re like Tarzan in the bedroom, ready to do anything to please Jane.
Let the jungle music begin.
In the Mood More Than He Is
Q: We’ve been married for seven years, and we’re in our early thirties. Our sex life is great . . . when we have it. The problem is that I’m in the mood a lot more than my husband is. When it comes to sex, he’s a two-times-a-month guy. I’d like it at least four times a week. I guess I always thought men wanted sex more than women, so am I weird? Or is there something wrong with him? And what should I do if I’m in the mood and he’s not? I go to bed frustrated a lot of nights.
A: Each spouse has a varying energy level, a different sex drive, and a rulebook they grew up with. Part of growing together is discovering how those three things affect your intimacy and sex life. As both of you mature in your relationship, you should also become more willing to change your behavior because you realize what’s important to your spouse. For example, since your husband’s sex drive is lower than yours and you’re going to bed frustrated, you need to be honest with him. “Honey, I crave sex with you. And not just twice a month. I’m in the mood at least four times a week. Any ideas for how we could handle that difference?” Men are problem solvers at their core, and since you’ve just given him a problem to solve, he’ll be busily on it.
You can also try the technique of anticipation. It works wonders for the male species. Prepare him in advance for the evening you’d like to have. Grab him by the tie and give him a thorough kiss in the morning as he’s heading out the door. Tell him, “That’s just a taste of what you’re going to get when you come home.”
You’ll have that man salivating all day and Mr. Happy more than ready for a romp. Setting the mood with a few candles, some food you can feed each other, wearing an outfit that catches his attention, and touching him can also up your romance and sex quotient.
The point is, both of you need to figure out what works. But since you’re the one who is craving more sex, you’ll need to encourage it to happen.
He Falls Asleep Right after Sex
Q: Right after we have sex, my husband rolls over and goes to sleep on his side of the bed. Job done. For him, at least. But I’m frustrated. I want more. More stroking, more cuddling. I want to fall asleep in his arms. Frankly, I don’t need the sex, but I do need the intimacy. Am I weird?
A: No, you’re not weird. Women long for a heart connection. They want to know that they are loved in a way that doesn’t lead to baby making. They need to feel intimate emotionally before they can be intimate physically. And even when intercourse is complete, they desire a continuation of that emotional connection. For most women, stroking and cuddling is far more romantic than the act of sex itself. They want soul partners, not merely bed partners.
Your husband, however, isn’t a woman. He doesn’t innately know or understand a woman’s needs. He’s a guy, and he thinks his job is done . . . and done well, I might add. That’s why he’s bedded down next to you like a contented, hibernating bear.
What does your guy need? A little guidance as to what he should do to please you. Who can he best get that from? You. Hints won’t do it. Plain speaking is best. “Honey, after we make love, it’s very important to me that we snuggle. I need to continue feeling close to you. Would you just hold me in your arms?”
That man will happily oblige you. He likes feeling your skin next to his too. Then, even if he does fall asleep, you’re encircled by the warmth of his arms and you get the closeness you long for. You might even fall asleep yourself.
Couch-Potato Husband
Q: I’m starved for attention from my couch-potato husband. I’ve lost a lot of weight recently and am looking better than I have in years. In fact, a co-worker has been giving me a lot of compliments recently. He seems to notice everything. When I was shopping for a dress, I caught myself thinking, I wonder what Frank would think.
Frank’s my co-worker, not my husband. That scared me a little. I remember what you said about it being easy to fall into an affair, and I don’t want to be that kind of woman. My husband is still the man I want to be married to, but I need him to notice things like when I get a new dress or change my hairstyle. But I don’t think he’d notice even if I came in with a bag over my head. How can I drag his focus away from what feels like his girlfriend—the television?
A: Good for you for being honest about your vulnerability. If things don’t change quickly, you will end up in your co-worker’s arms. The average marriage lasts a whopping seven years. You don’t want to be one of the statistics. That couch-potato husband of yours needs a wake-up call, and the sooner, the better.
Walk straight into the TV room, take that treasured remote control, and flip off the TV. Tell him, “Honey, I love you, but it’s important that we talk, and it can’t wait. I’ve worked really hard to look good for you, and you don’t even seem to notice. The only important thing in your life seems to be work . . . and television. I’m dying for some attention here. In fact, I’m so starved for it that when a male co-worker compliments me, he’s starting to look good to me.”
That ought to make your guy sit straight up on the couch.
For the normal, average couch-potato husband, there’s nothing like the shock of some potential competition to kick his interest in pursuing you into high gear. And as he does, he’ll start to view you again as the desirable, sexy woman you truly are. Then sexual intimacy and all the loving attention you deserve will be back as featured items on the marital menu.
Bon appétit!
Struggling with Intimacy
Q: For five years of my childhood I was sexually abused by my stepfather and stepbrother. When my mother found out, she kicked them both out. But the damage was already done. I didn’t date much in high school because I felt used and dirty, and I couldn’t trust men. It’s a miracle I fell in love with my husband, who was a co-worker for several years before I agreed to date him. He was the first guy I learned to trust.
Since we got married a year ago, though, I’ve struggled to give myself to him. Every time we have sex, flashes of my childhood abuse enter my mind. The very idea of sex with anyone is sickening to me. All I want is to get the sex over with, so just like on the nights where I was abused, I imagine I’m somewhere else—like a warm, sandy beach, where I’m alone and safe. I know my husband loves me, but I don’t feel loved when we have sex. I feel used once again. I really, really love my husband and want to please him, but I’m secretly terrified to give of myself in that way again. Can you help me? Help us?
A: What happened to you in your childhood was the result of men who exerted their craving for control in a terrible way. No wonder you struggle with the concept of sex, because to you, sex does not equal love. It means a male dominating a female, as your stepfather and stepbrother did to you. As much as you trust your husband, he is still a man, and your traumatic past will make you fight against being dominated by a male.
First, you need to not only know in your head but also take into your heart the fact that the abuse was not your fault. In no way did you cause it. You were an innocent child. Men who use women and girls in such a way are sick and perverted. They often have been sexually abused themselves in childhood and don’t have the coping skills to break the chain of abuse.
You too have been betrayed by family members you should have been able to trust. Recovering and reclaiming your sexuality after sexual abuse is a time-consuming and emotionally exhausting process. You can’t do it alone.
And I have to ask: does your husband know you were sexually abused? If not, it’s time to tell him. Don’t wait for fear of what he’ll say. That guy you love deserves to know about all of you—and that includes the details of your past that you hate to remember. Chances are, he will at first be intensely angry at the men who were so sick and twisted they abused a child in such a way. But that doesn’t mean he’s angry at you. Your husband wants to be your lover, yes. But he also wants to be your protector, your hero. That strong man will likely gather you in his arms and cry with you because you had to suffer such horrible events.
Let him know what you need. “Honey, it’s so hard for me to tell you this and talk about it. Would you just hold me?”
If you don’t tell him, that wonderful man may think you are rejecting him instead of realizing that you struggle with male domination and sexual intimacy as a result of your experiences.
When he knows why you are reticent about having sex—that it scares you—you can talk together about ways to adapt your approach to give you more control of the situation.
Here are some suggestions that will help.
You may feel more comfortable being in the driver’s seat—for example, on top of your husband during foreplay and sex, rather than him covering you. That way you’re not in the same position as when you were dominated by your stepfather and stepbrother, who took advantage of you.
If certain areas of the house, such as bedrooms, spark memories of the abuse, pursue sexual experiences with your husband elsewhere. Set up a romantic mood. Add candles, drag a mattress into the sunroom, and have sex there with the warm, bright sunshine beaming in on you. Don’t wait until nighttime, prompting memories of men abusing you in the dark.
Take the lovemaking slowly, with lots of cuddling and stroking and whispered words of love so you feel cherished and safe and comfortable before your husband penetrates you. Focus on the warmth and the cuddling—things you didn’t get when you were violated and that you deeply desire in the relationship with your husband. Steer clear of any acts you were forced to do with your stepfather and stepbrother. Instead, your husband should focus on pleasing you—whatever feels good and you’re comfortable with.
There is a wonderful book by Dan Allender called The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse that may be a great help to you. I’ve recommended it for years and have seen the significant impact of its message of hope and healing on countless people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and continue to deal with the aftermath of it.
With such trauma in your past, I suggest you and your husband go to counseling together. After all, you’re in this marriage together. What affects one of you affects the other. That man who loves you will be happy to go with you. The sooner you get help from a professional, the better.
If you approach the situation as a challenge to handle as a couple rather than as “your problem,” you can find new ways to engage in marital intimacy. You two deserve to reap the lifetime rewards of a healthy, fun sex life and the warmth of marital intimacy. Together you can get there.
He Lost His Job . . . and His Sex Drive
Q: My husband lost his sex drive eight months ago—right after he lost his job. At first he hunted crazily for another job. But now he just sits around. He can’t seem to pull it together. I try to initiate sex, but he shows no interest. How can I prove to him that he’s still my man—job or no job? And that I still desire him physically?
A: A man is driven to compete, and part of that competition is providing financially for his family. Right now your husband feels like a failure. Mr. Happy isn’t going to get happy when your husband is in the mode of thinking he’s failed you and your family. What does he need most?
You’re already on the right track. He needs to know he is still valued and respected in your eyes—job or no job. Look for situations where he can problem-solve for you. Women really don’t want their husbands to solve problems; they want their husbands to know what they’re up against. However, in this situation, it’s important for you to tune in to his need to contribute to the family. He needs to know you need him. So create situations where you can say, “Honey, I need your help with something. I know you can help me because you’re so good at looking at problems from all angles. Here’s the situation. . . .”
You are sharing your heart and problems with the man you love, and here’s what he’s thinking as a result: Wow, the woman I love needs me. Sure, I lost my job, but that doesn’t mean I’m good for nothing. I’m good for something. I’m needed in her life . . . in my family’s life. Such positive thinking will spur your man on to find the perfect job. He may receive rejection in that job hunt, but he knows he will come home to a wife who loves him, needs him, and respects him.
He also needs to know that you still desire him as much as you did before—that losing his job didn’t make him less of a man in your eyes. He certainly doesn’t need any pressure about job hunting, nor does he need you pestering him for sex. What he does need is the physiological release that sex can bring, as well as the relational connection it fosters in your marriage. But in his discouragement, he may not have the drive he usually has to pursue sex himself.
Here’s what I suggest. If you have kids, arrange to send them to Grandma’s house or a neighbor’s tonight for a couple of hours. Tell that man of yours you’ve planned a special time just for the two of you, and give him a smile and a suggestive wink. Let him anticipate that time all day.
After the two of you enjoy your intimate evening, I bet he’ll have more swagger in his step the next day. He might even go back to job hunting without you nagging. That’s because the person who means the most to him is you. The person he wants to please the most is you. And when you reserve some time and energy for him and show your pleasure in what he can still do for you and to you, you’re giving him his masculinity back.
Too Flabby for Sex
Q: I’m not in the same shape I was in before I had the baby—not even close. I’m working on it, but the extra flab won’t go away. My husband still tries to get me in bed when the baby’s asleep, but I find myself making lots of excuses. I look in the mirror and don’t like the way my belly and breasts look, so how could he? Yet how do I hold him off until I get back into shape? How long should we wait?
A: There’s this new invention called a baby stroller. After your hubby goes to work, or after you get home from work, put that little baby—your precious gift—in that stroller. Go for a walk.
“Leman,” you say, “I live in Minnesota. Are you crazy? I can’t do that kind of thing year-round.”
No, I’m not crazy. If I remember right, you live where the biggest mall in the entire United States is—the Mall of America. Go to the mall, set up your baby in the stroller, and walk. Your baby will be fascinated by the constantly changing parade, and you’ll get some exercise in.
Even better, load up that baby in the morning and take a brisk walk with your husband before one or both of you head off to work, and then take another together right before dinner. You both get physical exercise that way.
I know you’re tired. But exercise has a wonderful result—more energy. Walking also would give you and your spouse a chance to organize your day as it’s getting started and then to debrief at the end of it. And that baby of yours who might otherwise be crying as you’re trying to talk is quietly enjoying a whole panorama of scenes, including the dog next door and the neighbor’s baby who just went by in her stroller. Walking together is a wonderful way to get on the same page with the person you love and remain there.
Pregnancy is a stressful time in a marriage, and so is birthing a baby and the recovery period. How long should you wait to have sex after having a baby? The standard answer is six to eight weeks, but you should let your doctor tell you. Even better, have your husband come to the appointment with you so he hears the answer for himself about how you’re doing.
For many couples, though, it takes a lot longer before their sex life gets back on track. The wife needs time to physically recover and often lives on the edge of exhaustion. At the same time she’s not at the top of her game physically or emotionally, she’s meeting the nonstop needs of a new little human being, and her husband is giving her the fish eye.
Truth is, after you’ve had a baby your body will never quite look the same. That might bother you, but it doesn’t seem to bother your husband. He still desires you. So why should you hold back? In fact, your breasts might be fuller since the baby, so why shouldn’t he have fun with them? When you can’t enjoy sex with him because you’ve got a few extra pounds, that’s like sticking a dagger in his heart. You’re shooting him and his masculinity down.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Do you know what the sexiest thing you can have is? A positive attitude. So tell that man, “I’m feeling a little fat and self-conscious right now, but I know you’ll accept me just the way I am. I need you in my life. I want you.” Open your arms to him. Your words and your willingness will drive him to a new desire to please you in as many different ways as he can. He won’t even notice you’re not the same size.
Can We Just Cuddle?
Q: Sometimes all I want is to cuddle or snuggle. Or even to get a back rub after a long day. But to my husband, any touching has to lead somewhere, and that somewhere is sex. Is that a male thing? How can I get him to understand that just because I want to be close or sit next to him, it isn’t a signal that I want sex?
A: Most women prefer the closeness and cuddling of marital intimacy rather than the act of sex itself. In fact, they’d rather give up the rush of orgasm for snuggling. Men are programmed to want sex. One look at you in a clingy outfit, and he’ll pay attention. But he also wants more than anything else to please you.
We men are straightforward critters. Tell us what to do, and we’ll do it. If you only want to snuggle and don’t want things to progress to more, say, “Hon, I’m really tired and a bit overwhelmed with all I have to do. I’d love it if you would just put your arm around me as we sit on the couch. I need your strength tonight.” What are you saying in a nice way? “No hanky panky tonight, mister, but I still need your strength and feel better when your arm is around me.” So even though you’re temporarily shutting off the sex, you’re still stroking that male ego by stating you value his strength and need him in your life.
Dying for Some Romance
Q: We have two kids under the age of three. I’ll be blunt. Any romance we had went the way of the dodo bird when children came along. I’d love for my husband to surprise me and spirit me away to our bedroom for a romantic rendezvous during naptime—or anytime—but he’s never in the mood. It’s like as soon as I had the babies, I’m now “mom” to him instead of wife and lover. How can I get him past the “we have kids now” thinking, so he becomes more than just a warm body next to me in bed? I’m dying for some romance here.
A: How much sex a couple has—or doesn’t have—is a good barometer for how their marriage is doing. If you are empty, alone, and without romance, then your marriage needs paddles to get it started at its heart again. Yes, you’re busy, but there’s more going on than that. In a healthy marriage, difficulties drive you closer together. But if there’s a conflict between the two of you, that can drive you apart. Your feelings are a wake-up call for something in your relationship that needs to be addressed. Feelings can draw you together to make your marriage hum, but judgments—assuming you know how and why your husband is doing what he’s doing—will drive you apart.
Look at the situation for an instant from your husband’s point of view. Is he feeling overwhelmed by being a daddy now? Trying to figure out how to juggle work and time with the kids? Is he anxious about the extra financial burden that having two kids adds and wondering if his job pays enough or if he should look for something else too? Does he crave physical intimacy with you but doesn’t know how to ask since he sees that you’re tired and really busy with the kids? These are all very good possibilities.
But let me also be clear here. You are not his mama. You are his wife. If he’s confusing the two, you need to kindly set the record straight. He might need to call you “Mom” in front of your two little darlings, but he should not address you that way when it’s just the two of you.
You and your husband need to set up an intimate dinner minus kids, some face-to-face discussion, and some naked skin time. It’s amazing what even one evening like that can accomplish in getting you both back on track.