Why Men Want Sex
What men need the most, what they want the most, and why they need foreplay just as much as women do.
Sex Is a Distant, Pleasant Dream
Q: My wife and I have four boys. They’re stair steps and fight all the time. My wife jokes that they have to be watched so they don’t kill each other. I sometimes wonder if she’s right. We pray for the day the first one goes to all-day kindergarten, because it’ll seem like a vacation. Is that so wrong?
Sex is a distant, pleasant dream. We know we had it, since we have the kids as living proof. But now, in the midst of a chaotic houseful, how are my wife and I supposed to carve out time for ourselves? Especially when we’re not rolling in cash to get babysitters?
A: It’s time to get creative. You two need and deserve some planned vacations from your four playful otters—though I’m sure they’re adorable otters 1 percent of the time. Your wife needs to eat somewhere that doesn’t serve Kool-Aid and pizza, and you both need to have some couple time, outside of the demands of those four little boys.
You mentioned money issues. There’s a wonderful concept called bartering. Switch babysitting with another couple. You take their kids for an evening, then they take yours for an evening (and blessings upon them with four boys!). Each couple gets a rare treat—to enjoy a free evening with no kids. Yes, the night with the other kids might be crazy, but isn’t life that way already? Adding a few extra kids might take your boys’ attention away from killing each other and give you a break. And just think of all the wonderful things you can do with your spouse on the night you don’t have your kids. That ought to bring a smile.
Competent high school babysitters you know well can also work wonders in giving you a breather. Teenagers usually have a lot more energy than you do by evening or on a Saturday. Try a little bartering there too. What do they need that you or your wife can supply? Homemade goodies or a decorated cake for a party? A car for a special event? A garage for a Friday night rehearsal with their musically inclined friends? Some help tie-dyeing T-shirts to give their friends because you know how to and they don’t?
Being strapped for cash doesn’t mean you can’t make couple time a priority. Do little things that will reap big rewards with the woman you love. Take the kids to an outdoor park. Let them play, scream, and wear themselves out. You take a nice leisurely walk around the playground and hold your wife’s hand like you used to when you were dating. When those boys are exhausted, drive home and tuck them in bed. Then you and your wife are free to do some calisthenics all your own.
You’ll also be amazed how far a few bucks can go when you get creative. Set aside 10 bucks a week for couple time. Bet you can think of a zillion ways to spend it. Most of all, have fun.
Starving for Physical Affection
Q: My wife has never been comfortable with physical touch. Nobody in her family is a hugger. In my family, everybody hugs, and they do it often. I can’t remember a day when I was a kid that my parents didn’t hug me. When I walk in the door now, all I want is a hug, a kiss, and a “Welcome home.” Okay, I admit, I want a lot more sex too. Every time I broach the subject, though, my wife bristles. “Well, your family is different from mine,” she says. “I didn’t grow up like that.” How can I tell my wife I’m starving for some affection?
A: Women are naturally relational creatures who love to hug and be hugged. If your wife isn’t, chances are that either she grew up in a home where touching was considered inappropriate, or she was inappropriately touched by someone in her family or extended family, so she always has her guard up. It’s important to gently get at the root of why she isn’t comfortable with physical affection. Yes, your families are different, but why are they different? What in your wife’s growing-up years led her to feel uncomfortable with such exchanges?
Also, it has been said that opposites attract. That is clearly the case with the two of you. What attracted you to your wife in the first place? Was it because the two of you were so different, and you were fascinated by those differences? Has she always been like this—edgy about affection—and you just recently noticed? If so, wow, you must have been wearing the “I’m in love” blinders, because your relational styles are poles apart.
It will take a lot of hard work to bring your two personalities and backgrounds together to make your marriage into an orchestra that can perform a lifelong concerto.
We men are simple and have three basic needs: to be wanted, to be needed, and to be respected. If a wife respects her husband, she will meet his needs, including his sexual needs. There’s nothing that downs a husband’s self-worth faster than a wife who reluctantly hugs, kisses, or has sex with him. It creates resentment on both their parts. Too many couples settle for the husband begging for biological release and the wife grudgingly accommodating him. But that’s not emotionally fulfilling for either partner, nor does it create the marital intimacy both long for.
Strange as this may sound, great sex doesn’t come naturally. It’s not merely a biological function; it has a highly emotional component that requires a connection of hearts and desire. You have to work to become a better lover. That means you spend time thinking of ways to keep sex fresh and to help your reticent spouse discover what would satisfy her sexually and thus make her eager to be intimate with you.
So talk to your wife. Tell her that hugs, kisses, and a “Welcome home” are really important to you. Say that you desire her physically and that without sex, you feel rejected and empty. “Honey,” you add, “if there is anything I can do differently to make you feel more comfortable with sex, I sure would like to know.”
Then shut your mouth and prepare to listen. You may not like what you hear, because there may be things about her life growing up that shock you but will explain her reticent behavior. She may also fire back an onslaught of things that would make her feel loved but that you aren’t doing. No matter what she has to say, you need to hear it. Your relationship can’t change without both of you truth-speaking in love.
Whatever your wife has to say is much better than the alternative—her blowing off such a conversation and refusing to talk about it. If she does, it’s time to get a counselor involved. Because of the type of family you grew up in, unless you receive physical intimacy soon from your wife, you’re an easy target for an affair. If you can’t go to your spouse for your basic needs to be met, your emptiness and loneliness might tempt you to seek comfort from someone outside your marriage.
You can’t let this one slide. There’s far too much at stake. So get to the root of her reticence, and then form a workable plan together for growing in marital intimacy.
What Happens in the Bedroom . . . Stays in the Bedroom
Q: I just found out that my wife’s best friend knows an awful lot about our sex life, and I’m not comfortable with that. Frankly, I’m embarrassed. To me, sex is private, something that should happen between the two of us and only be discussed between the two of us. My wife loves to talk. She shares everything with her best girlfriend. But I don’t want our sex life to be part of their gossip. How can I explain that to my wife? She doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with it.
A: No wonder you’re uncomfortable. Your wife talking to her friend about your sex life is a violation of your marriage vows. It would be like you broadcasting to the guys you work with what your wife’s breast size is or how much she weighs. I doubt she’d want those details spread around.
You need to gently say to your wife, “Honey, I know that you talk to So-and-So about what happens in our bedroom. But I’d like what happens between you and me to stay between you and me. If you have anything to say about it, I want to be the first and only one to hear it.” Honestly, that’s where discussion of your sexual experiences should stay—between the two of you—unless you’re in counseling together with a third party who is helping you with that aspect of your marriage.
She Had a Hysterectomy
Q: Everything in our sex life changed after my wife had a hysterectomy. She seems less interested in sex, and everything I’ve done in the past 30 years doesn’t work anymore. I’m floundering in the wilderness with no direction. Any ideas?
A: Of course things have changed. Your wife may be feeling less feminine because she’s missing some of her female body parts. Women who go through mastectomies often feel the same way. Assure your wife that she is just as beautiful and sexy to you as she always has been, even with a few scars and some internal parts MIA. Also, because those parts are missing, she may need to be stimulated differently in foreplay.
What’s most important is communication. When you begin lovemaking, ask her what feels good and realize that what feels good will change from time to time—she’s not only aging, but she’s had surgery. Ask her to guide your hands, your lips, and other body parts to where she wants them to go. Tell her you want to please her. Right now she’s functioning like a slow cooker, a little slow to warm up. But the right words will turn her into a microwave. Who knows? She might be pursuing your own body shortly.
Had Sex with Others before We Met
Q: When I was in high school, a lot of my football teammates used girls for what they could get out of them, then walked away. I wasn’t that kind of guy, and my mom had drilled staying a virgin into my head. As a sophomore, I dated a freshman for three months. One night things got out of control, and we ended up going all the way. I couldn’t look at her the same way after that, and every time we were together we fell into more sex. I felt guilty because I knew I wasn’t going to marry her, so I finally broke up with her. She was crushed. To this day I still feel terrible for how I treated that girl. She deserved better.
Neither my wife nor I discussed whether we were virgins before we got married. Afterward I found out she’d had sex in high school. At first I was really angry, because I wish she’d told me the truth before we got married. Then again, I didn’t tell her I wasn’t a virgin either. I still haven’t. I guess both of us thought that what was in the past should stay in the past. Now I’m sad. Somebody used my wife-to-be just like I used that girl. We can’t wipe the past away, and it’s put a major kink in our sex life. Where do we go from here?
A: You need to be honest with each other. Don’t give specifics, because you don’t need any more pictures in your mind than are already there. However, you should tell your wife that you dated a girl in high school and that you didn’t treat her well. To this day it bothers you.
Say to your wife, “She deserved better. When I found out some guy did that to you, I was really angry at him. Then I felt sick, because I realized I had done the same thing. It made me scared and sad, and I thought, I don’t deserve you. I wish I could wipe away the past for both of us so that we were both virgins. But I know that can’t happen.”
Then look her straight in the eye when you say, “Honey, you deserve better than a guy like me. In fact, I can’t believe you chose to marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and getting to know you better. In my eyes you are pure, and you didn’t deserve what happened to you. I want to make you a vow that I will never break. I vow to never use and abuse you like I did that girl, or like that guy did you. Can we start from here and go forward?”
You will still have some stones in the path because of those past experiences, but at least now you can move forward, with no secrets dividing you.
Painful Sex—Real or in Her Head?
Q: Having sex for us as a couple has always been hard. From the very beginning my wife has said it hurts every time I enter her. I guess I thought sex was just supposed to happen—a natural thing—between two people who loved each other. But we barely have sex. When we do, she cries, and she’s really sore afterward. Doc, I have to know. Is this in her head, or does it really hurt her physically? If so, what am I doing wrong? I don’t want to hurt my wife, but I’m dying for a little action.
A: Many women have pain with intercourse for a wide range of reasons. It’s possible that neither of you is doing anything wrong but that sex is painful for her. If there’s vaginal pain, now is the time to explore the causes of it and to pursue treatment. You don’t want the idea of sex paired with pain imprinted in your wife’s brain.
Book an appointment with her gynecologist, and go to the appointment together. Explain that you’re having difficulty with sex because it’s painful for your wife. Your wife should go through a physical exam.
It’s possible your wife is experiencing vaginismus, where the pain happens only with penetration—where she feels like something is being torn inside or the penis is hitting a wall. Vaginismus is often linked to the anxiety or fear of having sex and can come as a result of childhood abuse, rape, or growing up in a home where talk about sex was forbidden. Loving, gentle foreplay, and plenty of it, is especially important in helping your wife relax.
She might have a tipped uterus and/or a short cervix. If so, then certain sexual positions will be more comfortable to her, such as her being on top. Guiding your penis inside at an angle she can control and using lubricants will ease the entry.
If your wife is petite, she could have a narrow passageway, and your penis may be a lot larger than the average male’s.
These are only a few of the possibilities, but the gynecologist will be able to provide other information and offer solutions. The important thing is that you find answers together. It’s not just her problem; it’s your challenge as a couple. Don’t miss out on the incredible intimacy of sex. Find ways that work.
Our Sizzle Has Fizzled
Q: We’ve been married for over 20 years, and things in the sex department are pretty dull. My wife used to really turn me on, and I still find her body interesting, but I don’t feel the sizzle I used to. I’ve tried to resurrect those early-marriage “gotta have sex or I can’t stand it” feelings, but I can’t. Is that normal for married couples once they reach the second decade? Am I just hoping for something that won’t happen? Or should I accept things the way they are?
A: Move over and make room right next to you, because thousands of other men and women are asking the same question. I bet you thought when you got married, Wow, look at that. I’ve got a hot woman in my bed. I get to have sex as much as I want now. What’s not to love about that?
Then real life entered—the nine-to-five annoyances called jobs, mortgage payments, and leaky faucets. Then you had a couple of those . . . what do you call them? . . . yes, children. And your mother-in-law? Not getting along with her put a dent in your sex life too.
But there’s something else I want you to notice in the way you penned your question. See the “I” in your statements? Could you be focused a little too much on yourself and not your wife? What about her needs?
What do women want? To be held, to be listened to, to be cuddled. They want a flower . . . even when it’s not their birthday or a Hallmark-marketed holiday. Your wife’s purpose in life isn’t to fulfill all your needs for pleasure. She’s supposed to be your soul mate too.
What if, instead of focusing on the sizzle and sex you’re not getting, you shine the spotlight on your wife and her needs? Listen to her, help her around the house, do little things that show how much you love her. As you focus on who she is, she’ll become even more beautiful to you . . . yes, even after 20 years. Make a list of all the wonderful reasons you married her, and share one reason with her each day.
As you do these things, giving of yourself instead of only expecting her to give to you, your emotions will change. Mr. Happy may not always stand up and pay attention, and you may not have those early-marriage feelings all the time, but you’ll be growing something that lasts a lifetime—a mature love that will overcome any and all obstacles. Marriage is about finding out what each of you needs, giving that to each other, and humbly serving each other.
There’s a bonus too. When you show your wife how precious she is to you in small ways, the resulting sizzle in the bedroom might rival anything you’ve ever had and more.
Do Birth Control Pills Lower Sex Drive?
Q: My wife and I were both virgins when we went on our honeymoon. We waited a long time for sex, but I was disappointed with the way she responded. I expected a volcanic eruption or the heights of Mount Everest, but it was more like a momentary blip on a computer screen. She just didn’t seem that interested in sex or in exploring my body, even though I was very interested in hers.
I read something online about birth control pills dampening a woman’s sex drive. Is that true? She’s on the pill because we’re not yet ready to start a family. We’ve only been married six months. But if it is the pill, I think we need to try something different, because I really want a wife who desires and enjoys sex. Advice?
A: Birth control pills can lower sex drive in some women. However, there are many formulas for birth control pills. Go back to the gynecologist, explain what’s happening, and see if he or she can prescribe other possibilities. Also discuss other options, such as condoms, diaphragms, IUDs, and natural family planning methods to see if any of these might work better for you.
You know all those commercials about men who have low “T” and need Viagra? Well, Viagra for a woman is holding her tenderly, listening, communicating, sharing your feelings, and telling her how precious she is to you. Before you change birth control pills, give those methods a try first.
I Love Her Naked, But She Says She’s Fat
Q: I love to look at my wife’s naked body, but she hates to be seen naked. She says she’s fat, so she turns the lights out and then gets into bed quickly and pulls the sheets up to her chin. I like snuggling her that way before we have sex, but what I’d really love is to see her get undressed . . . or, even better, help her get undressed. Seeing her strip naked, like she did on our honeymoon, turns me on. She’s a gorgeous woman, and she’s mine. But it seems she’s always patting her stomach and thighs and saying she needs to work off some of the pounds. Honestly, who cares about the extra pounds? We’ve been married for 12 years, and I’ve got some too, from her good cooking. How can I help her understand that, to me, she’s as sexy as the day I married her?
A: You’re a red-blooded male, and you get turned on by looking. That’s natural. Tell her the things you told me—that she’s gorgeous and seeing her naked turns you on. Stroke her all over with her clothes on. Ask her if, as a present to you, she’d allow you to “unwrap” her and feast your eyes on her before you get into bed.
If her old nighties don’t fit, spirit her away for a shopping trip sometime for some new ones . . . just her size. Whisper sweet somethings in her ear. Tell her how sexy and beautiful she is. Many women struggle with insecurity about their weight, so she’s not alone. But if you show her with your gentle, loving touch that the pounds don’t matter, as well as tell her, that woman will become a tiger in your bed.
Drawn to Porn
Q: I’m a very visual guy. Every day on my way home from work, I drive by signs for a strip club and a XXX-rated movie store. I have to admit, I’ve looked at some pornography online during my breaks at work. I love my wife, but somehow I can’t stop wanting to look. What’s wrong with me, and how can I fix it?
A: First of all, let your boss discover porn on your computer, and that’s a great way to end your career. Is your little sneak peek during breaks really worth that possibility?
The reality is, guys are visual, and they are drawn by sexual images. You have a choice to make. How pure do you want to be so you can focus your attention on that lovely wife of yours without having other images intrude? If you continue down the track of viewing pornography, it will be even harder to stop. Pornography is a very destructive force on relationships because it turns people into objects to be used. Think of a hurricane wind blowing through your marriage, wreaking havoc and tearing down your house, and you’ve got it. That’s why you have to stop now.
To decrease the lure of pornography in your life, here are some suggestions:
One of the lures of pornography is its secretive nature. Remove the mystery and the secret, and pornographic images will tempt you less. You’ll still be tested, but as you use the suggestions above, over time pornography will have less of a foothold in your life.
Searching for That Elusive Climax
Q: My wife isn’t able to climax by me entering her. She needs to be rubbed and touched before I enter her. Is that normal? I thought the best sex is being able to climax together, when I’m inside her. What am I missing?
A: Actually, it’s normal for a woman to need stroking and direct stimulation of her clitoris to reach orgasm. Only a third of women can reach orgasm through intercourse. Your wife is in the healthy two-thirds of the population. So add a lot of foreplay to your sexual intimacy, and you’ll both soar to new and exciting heights.
We Can’t Get Pregnant
Q: For three years we’ve been trying to conceive a baby, with no luck. I’m ready to give up and pursue adoption. To me, a baby is a baby, no matter where that child comes from. But my wife is driven to feel what it’s like to carry a child. To her, sex is all about getting that baby. There’s no pleasure or excitement in it anymore. I just get a phone call to “hurry home because it’s time” when she’s ovulating. Sometimes I can’t drum up the enthusiasm, because there’s no passion anymore.
I’m tired of hearing about her temperature, where she is in her cycle, and how we should position ourselves in sex to get a boy or girl. What’s even worse is all the crying every month when she finds out she’s not pregnant. I really want to be more to my wife than a sperm donation. But right now that’s all I feel like. I still love her, but I’m starting to not like her. There’s only so much a man can take. Help?
A: You need to have a candlelit dinner, get naked in the tub together, and have a heart-to-heart. Tell her how much you love her. Explain that you’d love to have a baby with her, but it’s not happening. Share with her that sex has become rote—something you have to do on a schedule—and it’s not satisfying for you that way. Yes, she’ll cry, but she’s been crying a lot anyway, hasn’t she? So buck up, be the husband she needs you to be, and tell the truth gently about how you feel.
Now’s the time to ask her, sensitively, why it’s so important to her to carry a child within her body. Then get together with your doctor and discuss other options. Look at the success rates and your finances, and then the two of you will need to make some decisions. If you do have that baby, he or she will be with you for 18 years. You and your spouse will still be there, together, when your child walks out the door for college. Your relationship has to be the priority over baby making.
Battling Midlife and Depression
Q: My wife is in midlife and on medication for depression. We used to have a great sex life, but now there’s nothing there. She doesn’t seem to have any energy. How can we get our sex life back?
A: Good for you for wanting your sex life back. A lot of people in midlife settle for no sex or boring sex, and that’s too bad. Here are a few things you can do:
What’s most important is that you step back into the water. She may or may not be able to climax, so don’t make that your goal. Keep your intimacy high in the little things you do throughout the day—a gentle kiss on the back of the neck, a stroking of the hair, a smile. For people who are depressed, knowing someone cares and finds them attractive can make a big difference on their road to recovery.
I Miss My Wife
Q: My wife has been career oriented since the day we met, and I’ve been on the career track too. But lately she’s been traveling a lot since her job responsibilities increased. I miss my wife being home. I know that sounds whiny, and I don’t mean to be that way, but I don’t know how else to say it. My wife’s really competent, and I respect her for all she’s accomplished in the workforce. But I miss seeing her in the kitchen in the morning, laughing with me over our days, and warming our bed. I’ll just say it: I’m lonely. How can I tell her that without making her feel guilty? She’s got a lot on her plate right now, and I don’t want to add more. That wouldn’t be fair.
A: The best way to say it is just to say it, without guilt-tripping her or giving her the puppy-dog eyes. She’s a businesswoman, so be straightforward but gentle. “Honey, I’m so proud of you and all you’re accomplishing. You’re a major force to be reckoned with in the workplace, and you’re moving mountains. I’d never want to change that, because it’s part of who you are. But I have to admit that I really miss you. You are so important to me, and your presence is important to me. Texting and talking on the phone aren’t the same as spending time with you. I’m feeling lonely, to be honest.”
Suggest that the two of you consider ways you can spend more time together. It might include her adapting her workload so she takes fewer travel assignments. If your job is portable, you might be able to travel with her sometimes, so at least you’re together at the hotel at night and in the morning. If you’re home, why not tackle some of the tasks she would normally do? That will free her up for more fun and marital intimacy when she is home. Otherwise that multitasking, efficient woman will be determined to get the basic cleaning tasks done in the precious hours she is home.
In other words, you give a little, she gives a little. Marriage is a partnership.
Sexual Interest Waning in Menopause
Q: My wife is starting to go through menopause, and her interest in sex is waning. Is this normal, and how or when will these feelings settle?
A: When a woman enters menopause, common changes that occur are drops in estrogen, skin sensitivity, and less ability to lubricate. For example, maybe she used to love it when you touched her inner thighs, but now she finds that touch irritating and complains that your hands feel like sandpaper. Or she might say that when you enter her now and start to rub, it’s painful.
If you realize the changes that will occur, you can help to remedy them. She can see her doctor for products that will help with the estrogen drop. You can soften your hands with lotion (yes, even real men use it), and also experiment with a lighter stroke and vary the body areas you touch. You should also have a stock of different types of lubricants and learn to use them freely.
What’s vital, though, is how both of you respond mentally to the changes. The mind is one of the most important sex organs each of you has. If you deal with the changes with a sense of humor and are okay with exploring new ways to do things, you’ll do just fine.
The good news? Postmenopausal women report they have a renewed interest in sex, are more enthusiastic about it, and feel more free now that they don’t have to consider the possibility of becoming pregnant.
Everything Has to Be Perfect
Q: My wife has a tough time having sex unless everything is just perfect—the kids aren’t home, the sheets are perfectly clean, the dog has been fed, the neighbors are on vacation . . . you see where I’m going with this. That means sex doesn’t happen very often for us. Any ideas how to step over this obstacle?
A: I can relate. My lovely wife was always concerned about waking the children in our private time. Kids, in-laws, and neighbors can all be interruptions. So invest in a really good lock for your bedroom door and use it frequently. Swap some babysitting to provide a kid-free zone for your marital fest. Make a reservation and invite your wife out for a little fling. It doesn’t have to be the Ritz-Carlton—even a Motel 6 will do. Just go anywhere and do something that is out of the regular pace of life. Sure, it may cost you a few bucks. But isn’t she worth investing in? There’s nothing that will pay you more dividends long term than your marriage.