Duds

I try laxatives,

the lazy girl’s purging tool.

They are so unpredictable,

send me flying for bathrooms.

Give God-awful gas, *wasn’t me*

burning diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

Make me reek

as if something

crawled up my butt

and died.

But worst of all

the chocolate squares

of sweet wax

with an aftertaste

fail at the one thing

you really need

don’t help me

lose weight.