Do you want to be happy? Are you longing for powerful intimacy, joyous success, greater fulfillment? Me too.
But do you also fear all of these things a tad? After all, they might not last, and the loss could be more devastating than ever having them.
Actually, most of us fear these things, at least a little bit, out of an instinctive dread of pain. The problem arises when our fear is so strong that it prevents us from going after those things which, deep down, we really want out of life.
This book looks at and resolves a paradox. It presents a program to help people who have a fear of feeling better so that they can begin to feel better.
If, in your heart, you sense that this book is talking about you, then the book places you in a dilemma. As a result, you might want to discredit it. You might get really angry at some things I say. You may want to split hairs to prove that this book isn’t talking about you.
I’m proposing a new possibility for you—a way to feel better without feeling so scared. Something happened in your life, probably early on, that crossed some of your wires. As a result, happiness is worrisome for you. Intimacy feels scary. Success is upsetting. Feeling better feels worse. Loneliness feels empty but safe. Mistakes are upsetting but familiar. You are stuck in a twilight zone of unfulfillment—dissatisfied but protected.
I understand this is a terribly complex, difficult issue. You yourself may have been puzzled by the things you do but feel trapped by circumstances and can’t see a way out. At times this system you are in may operate like a reflex. Maybe you’ve surprised yourself by what you’ve done. You’ve been shocked when a turn of events comes crashing down. Whatever is at work in you seems to have its own set of batteries, its own control panel. Something deep inside of you that you don’t understand is calling the shots.
This book proposes a way out.
It’s not a quick fix. It will take ongoing attention. The steps have to be small ones, because if things get too much better too fast, you are likely to be triggered into repeating old, familiar patterns.
As you use this book to change your life, that internal, fearful self may emerge and yell at you to throw this book out the window, or wonder what’s the use, or search for the one chapter or paragraph or sentence that doesn’t precisely fit so you can discredit the whole book.
A big part of—and a big challenge in—dealing with this problem is maintaining your own awareness of the big picture. It’s important to keep your perspective when this fearful inner self says, “See. This author is all wet. She said you would prefer striped wallpaper, and you don’t even like wallpaper.”
At these points, you can answer, “Okay, I know you. You’re the part of me that’s scared to have hope. I remember the big picture. I’m more comfortable when things go wrong, and that’s why I have these thoughts. I know you’re only trying to make my life feel safer, and I appreciate that. But, you know what? It’s hurting a lot more than it’s helping. I’d like to start acting differently so that I can enjoy feeling good more often.”
I’ll be talking more about this in a later chapter, but for now you’ll need a way to hang on long enough to get that far. So, right now, before you do anything else, grab a pen or pencil, and please fill in the following blanks to create a sentence:
| I may be __________________ | _____________________. |
Blank one: (pick one) |
Blank two: (pick one) |
Jot down this sentence on a scrap of paper, and use it for a bookmark so that you can recall the big picture if you get angry or frightened as you read this book.
There is another facet of this problem. When other people try to help you, you may need for that help to fail.
It may not feel like this to you from the inside. You may experience it like this:
No one understands.
No one really gets how it feels.
Friends and therapists are missing the boat. They suggest things I can’t do. They don’t come close to understanding how I see things.
When someone reaches out to you, you may find yourself feeling critical of him. You may start talking to yourself about how his life isn’t so perfect. You may see him as arrogant. You may feel trapped, all alone, separated from what you see others enjoying.
Here’s the deal. When things start going well, you get afraid. Then, when people try to help you, they almost always suggest things that make you feel more afraid. Then you have to ignore them or push them away to get relief from the pressure they put on you.
If this sounds familiar, I’d like you to stay with this book. I understand that I’ll be suggesting things that will scare you. But, deep down, isn’t there a part of you that wants deliverance from this problem? Wouldn’t it be great to be happy without being afraid? Would it mean something to you to be successful or to be intimate with someone without having to feel anxious or scared?
I congratulate you for reading even this far. As powerful as the inner workings of this self-protection system may be, you must also have some part of you that’s longing to heal.
Brittany’s mother screwed up big time when Brittany was a kid. She married a drunk who treated Brittany cruelly, but she was too fixated on her own needs to protect or rescue her daughter.
Once Brittany had become a young woman, her mom began to make herself into a different person. She got into recovery and therapy. She freed herself from drunken men. She put herself through school. As she got wiser, she had more to give Brittany, and she started trying to help her.
But Brittany was angry. She had lost two decades of her own life to dead ends and hurtful relationships. She had lived in a deep pattern of disappointed hopes. She could see that her mother now cared for her and was offering amends, but Brittany was so angry that it fulfilled something in her to keep her mom’s offers from working.
Her childhood had been horribly thwarted. Now, as an adult, she got a kind of pleasure from thwarting her mother, even at her own expense.
Brittany did try therapy now and then, and she could see that these kind people cared about her. She’d start to receive their help, but then something inside her would rear up, and she’d feel like she had to defeat the therapist.
Of course, it defeated her too. It mangled her therapy. Even therapists, those most patient of souls, lose their steam eventually when they aren’t helping. Brittany took a certain satisfaction in wearing a therapist out. It made her feel powerful.
Being powerful enough to keep her mom, and a string of skilled therapists, from helping soothed the powerlessness she felt as a child. Their defeat pleased her anger. It was a way to punish her mother for her severe mistakes.
The therapists were Mother stand-ins. They got punished too, both for caring and for presuming that they could offer anything that could match the suffering Brittany had endured. Their powerlessness only proved how much Brittany’s mom had hurt her.
So Brittany was feeding these hidden mouths inside her, but her life was a shambles. Inside, she was suffering much more than the people she was trying to punish. Her vindication at their failures didn’t truly make her happy. The scales of justice never truly balanced. The little bit of gratification she got when another friend or therapist went down in defeat was a Pyrrhic victory. No matter how much it cost the other person, her own losses were bigger. It wasn’t really what she wanted out of life. The bottom line is this: no one really suffers as much as you do when you need others to fail.
But what can you do if this system seems to act like a reflex, operating on its own, triggered by subtleties you may not even see?
Plenty.
You see, these internal forces can be tended to, expressed, and channeled. But they do not need to be defeated.
This is not a book about how to control uncontrollable forces. It’s not about ripping out a part of yourself that has for years engineered your survival.
Instead, it’s about gathering the tools you will use to save yourself, honoring the behaviors and systems that have helped you to survive so far, then going deeper to meet your truest needs.
If you have an internal reflex that doesn’t want this book to work, what can you do to keep going? This: instead of fighting the part of you that resists these ideas, just watch it.
What are you thinking right now? Watch your thoughts. Don’t stop them. Don’t edit them. Don’t argue with them. Just watch them.
For example, I’m thinking about taking a walk. So I notice that I’m thinking about taking a walk. Then I notice that I’m thinking I’m too busy to take a walk. Then I notice that I’m thinking the dog would enjoy taking a walk. Then I remember that I’m waiting for a phone call and I notice remembering that.
What is a need you have right now? Are you thirsty? Do you need to use the bathroom? Do you need to put on something warmer or cooler?
Get up and notice how you feel as you stand. Begin walking toward the solution to your need. Hear the thoughts in your head as you are moving. Notice how your muscles feel as you walk. Notice how you balance yourself.
As you turn toward the answer to your need, notice what you are looking at. What goes through your mind as you reach for the thing you need? Don’t argue with whatever is going on in your mind; just pay attention to your thoughts. Notice how you feel right before you begin doing the thing that will meet your need.
Now, fulfill that need. Drink the water, use the bathroom, or take off the sweater.
Notice what you are thinking, what emotions you are feeling, how your body feels.
When you are done, pay attention to yourself as you go back to what you were doing. Notice how your body feels. Notice your muscles as you move. Notice how you feel about taking care of your need. Notice what you are thinking.
This can become a powerful tool for self-awareness—watching yourself, observing your thoughts.
When your thoughts start to tell you to get rid of this book, watch them. Notice the fear or anxiety that has been triggered. Go back to what you just read and find the words that started the reflex. Notice what those words mean to you.
Continue watching your thoughts unfold. Don’t argue with them; don’t negotiate with them. Treat them like elevator music.
Remember the big picture. One way to do this is to photocopy the box on the next page and stick the page into this book. Reread it when your thoughts tell you to put this book aside.
Remember: you are the one reading this book; you are the one making it happen.
You are in control of the process. You can speed it up or slow it down. You can take breaks. You can think. You can make choices. You can remember the big picture.
Your life can be full and happy. You can liberate yourself from the invisible chains that have kept you from moving toward your deepest desires. You can find fulfillment.
You can have happiness without fear.