An alcoholic is an alcoholic, period. Once you’re over the line into true alcohol addiction, you can’t be a partial or some-of-the-time alcoholic.
The number of smokers who can take or leave nicotine is slim indeed. Most of us who have smoked (including me and many other people who have successfully quit) found a ferocious struggle in escaping the addiction.
Misery addiction, in contrast, falls along a continuum. On the far end are misery addicts who have seriously curtailed their lives and are unable to stop themselves from ongoing sabotage. On the other end are people who keep themselves a little bit unhappy—not actually staying miserable, but shying away from fulfillment. The amount of effort required to begin recovering from a misery addiction is determined in part by your place on the continuum.
So first, I’d like you to measure the degree of your own attachment to misery. Read the descriptions that follow; then mark where you feel you are on the continuum that follows.
You embrace the joys of life. You let yourself feel the full range of emotions. You are fully present during lovemaking. You make positive choices for yourself. You take good care of your physical needs. When you know what you want, you will arrange a respectful and fair way to get it, if possible. You respect your own process of thinking, living, and making decisions. You are optimistic.
You’ve let yourself have much of what life has to offer, but there are times when you keep yourself a bit removed. You might be a little distracted during lovemaking. You keep a thin veil between yourself and some experiences so that you are dampening the full impact of all-out joy or all-out grief. You almost relax on vacations.
You take pretty good care of yourself physically. You sometimes drink, eat, or do a little too much, but you can also stop yourself from getting drunk or too full. You overwork at times, but then you cut back to be with your friends or family. You know what matters to you, and though it can sometimes take you a little while to actually start toward a goal, you do get started, and then you keep going until you get there, with few side trips.
You have good in your life, but there are certain aspects of your life that are unhappy. It’s difficult for you to let yourself be fully present in joyful experiences. At a birthday party where you are the guest of honor, or during lovemaking, or on a holiday, your attention might be more on other people or things than on yourself. You wrestle with at least one addiction or compulsion; if you’re in recovery from it, your efforts proceed in fits and starts. You know what you want to be doing in life, and you sort of do it sometimes, but you haven’t let yourself pursue it full tilt.
Your life is not happy. You tend to miss opportunities, either by not seeing them or by delaying action to the point that they pass you by. You have turned to addictive substances or practices to soothe your indecision and sadness. You are underemployed for your level of talent. You are not pursuing your dreams, in part because you don’t believe that you can ever achieve them—or that you deserve fulfillment.
In some ways you don’t take good care of yourself. You don’t accept help easily, and you’ve been known to push help away.
You are very underemployed, or doing a job you hate, or risking the job you like. You are so fearful of being disappointed that you don’t want to take the risk of trying to get the things you want. Your relationship with one or both parents is likely to be difficult or disappointing. The relationships you have are unsatisfying. You tend to isolate yourself. It’s difficult for you to trust others. You can’t let yourself have very much help. You have a deep pool of anger that needs to be drained. Addictive substances or practices have helped you survive.
Mark your spot on the continuum below.
If you fall into the mildly avoidant category, you can change your life for the better just by reading this book and following its guidance. Most people in the middle category will also need the support of regular recovery meetings and/or the help of a good psychotherapist. If you are in the self-sabotaging or miserable categories, then in addition, I strongly recommend treatment for misery addiction, followed by a sustained, consistent recovery program and regular sessions with a good psychotherapist.