Is a Twelve Step program the only effective type of recovery program for a misery addict?
No. Other types of programs offer paths out of addiction. If one of those appeals to you, go ahead and try it. But if that program totters, don’t throw in the towel. Remember to come back to the granddaddy of the recovery process—any program that ends in the words anonymous or anon (as in Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon).
It is typical of misery addicts, and any kind of addict, to say, “Oh, I have a better plan over here. Why should I waste my time with a program that has liberated tens of millions of people when by taking this remedy for $29.95, I can change my attitude in a month?”
Go ahead and try your sidetrack. Just remember you have a great option to come back to.
Misery Addicts Anonymous (MAA) is new. As I write this, the center of MAA is in the Pacific Northwest. Someday, I hope, there will be MAA groups all over the world. (If you want to start one in your area, write or e-mail MAA at the addresses in appendix C.)
Until you have an MAA meeting near you, however, you can find any open Twelve Step meeting and try it out.
How do you find meetings? Your library may have meetings posted on its bulletin board. Your newspaper may have meetings listed in its community events calendar. Go to the Web sites listed in appendix C of this book, or look in the phone book under AA and Alcoholics Anonymous (the most widespread of the Anonymous groups) and/or under the names of any of the other Twelve Step groups. Call and they’ll know of open meetings near you. They’ll give you a contact number for each meeting. Call that number to make sure
You may have to shop around to find a meeting that fits you. Remember that you, like most addicts, can be very particular about things that don’t matter in the larger scheme. The fact that people wear too much green is not a good reason to reject a meeting.
If you go in with a big chip on your shoulder, you will find something wrong with it. If you need to prove this can’t work for you, you’ll have no trouble finding a reason to not go back. So I dare you. Attend meetings biweekly for one month before quitting.
To really work the program, here are my suggestions for getting started:
For at least the first three to four months, go to at least three meetings a week.
By the second week, begin talking.
Before the end of the second week, find someone at one of the meetings whom you respect and appreciate and ask if this person will sponsor you. If the person says no, ask other group members whom you genuinely respect until you find a willing sponsor.
To get the most out of your relationship with your sponsor, use the guidelines on the next page. (Feel free to photocopy the guidelines and give them to a sponsor from another Anonymous program so he can know how to best assist with your recovery from misery addiction. The sponsor might also benefit from reading appendix A.) Most people do better choosing a sponsor of the same gender.
Start each day by saying the first three Steps out loud. (See the Twelve Steps for the misery addict in appendix A.)
If you’ve never been to a Twelve Step meeting before, here’s what to expect—and what to do.
First, arrive on time. Twelve Step meetings start promptly.
When someone asks if there are any newcomers, say aloud, “I’m (your first name), and I’m not an alcoholic (overeater, compulsive gambler, etc.), but I think I could be addicted to misery.” Pause here; everyone will say hi and your name. Then add, “I hope you’ll let me come to this meeting because there aren’t any MAA meetings yet in this area, and I’m thinking about working a recovery program to see if it’ll help.”
Throughout the meeting, listen quietly. When someone talks, everyone else will listen respectfully, but there is no feedback at the end of someone’s talk. If someone says something that you want to respond to, don’t. There is no cross-talk in a recovery meeting. This means if you have an idea that might help someone who talks about a problem, you don’t offer it. If you have an opinion about somebody’s comments, you don’t say it. After the meeting, you can go up to that person and offer it—but remember, you’re there to focus on your own recovery, not that of others.
If you feel like saying something, take a turn. You can say anything you want about yourself. But talk about yourself. Don’t comment on the talks of others. You might hear others making reference to what someone else said, and that’s okay, but as a newcomer, stay away from that until you see how it’s done.
Plus, remember that you are here for your addiction, and focusing on others is probably a part of it. You are to focus on yourself, so do that.
Never repeat the stories of others that you hear in meetings to anyone outside of the meetings—even the people you’re closest to. Don’t talk about whom you saw at a meeting. And if you run into someone whom you know from a meeting outside of that meeting, continue to protect her anonymity. (For example, don’t say in front of others, “Oh, I know Julia from a Twelve Step meeting I go to.”) Everyone’s safety depends on everyone respecting the tradition of anonymity. (See appendix A for additional information.)
One problem with many AA meetings is that they often have sugary things sitting somewhere. If an aspect of your addiction is using food to zone out, stay away from that food, particularly at a meeting. You will set yourself up for trouble if you start to associate eating with recovery meetings. If necessary, find another meeting.
Some aspects of your misery addiction are identical to alcoholism and other forms of addiction. Some are unique to a misery addiction. Some are unique to you.
In the following chapters you’ll learn how to tailor your own recovery.