I can’t predict the future. So while I’m not saying that several years from now robots will rise up and attempt to overthrow humanity, and that it’ll be up to you to travel through time and assemble a Presidential Attack Squad to defend America, I am saying we’d all feel really stupid if at least one of us wasn’t prepared for such an event. If you’re ever tasked with organizing the A-team of presidents, this chapter will probably be more helpful than any other chapter in any book, ever.
Whether you’re forming an action squad to defend the planet or just putting together a group of presidents to pull off some kind of elaborate heist, every good team needs Brains, Brawn, a Loose Cannon, a Moral Compass, and a Roosevelt.
You need someone who can make a plan and think quickly on his feet just in case that plan falls apart (which, if you’re planning an Ocean’s 11–style heist, it almost certainly will). Abraham Lincoln is such a man. If you’re talking about a guy who won’t crumble when the heat’s on and everything’s falling apart, you want the guy who kept a cool head when the country legitimately fell apart. Lincoln didn’t even have any military background when he took office, but as soon as the Civil War broke out, he picked it up real quick. He met with generals, he read books on strategy, he talked with his troops and confidently mapped out the North’s strategy for victory, and saw it through.
A good Brains guy sees everything several steps ahead of everyone else, which makes Lincoln, as a man who saw the future and predicted his own death, uniquely equipped for the job.
Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt
Every team needs muscle. The A-team needed Mr. T, the Avengers needed the Hulk, and Alvin and the Chipmunks needed Mr. T, on that one episode where Mr. T was a guest star (“The C-Team”). For your Mr. T, you’re going to want someone strong, tough, and crazy. Someone who doesn’t need to be the smartest or the nicest, but someone who knows how to punch until there’s nothing left to punch.
You need Andrew Jackson. There’s not much to say about his toughness beyond what’s already been said in his chapter, plus I’m worried that if I type his name one more time, he’ll appear and then I’ll have to fight him and, even though I wrote this book, I am not prepared for that.
Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt
Look, there’s no reason to sugarcoat this: every good attack squad needs someone who can do what others can’t do, someone who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He operates in a moral gray area and might not always follow the law to the letter, but he gets shit done. For this position, I cannot give James K. Polk a higher recommendation. In the 1840s, the “shit that needed to be got done” was American expansion; we needed to stretch out to the Pacific coast to fulfill our Manifest Destiny. Everyone knew this, but Polk was the one willing to make it happen. Polk addressed Congress and requested permission to declare war against Mexico, claiming that Mexican forces had entered American territory and “shed American blood on American soil.” Congress, obviously, couldn’t say no to that. War was declared, Polk sent out the troops, and before anyone had a chance to investigate, the war was over and California was ours.
Here’s the thing: there’s significant evidence that Mexican forces not only didn’t draw first blood on American soil but that a) they didn’t even invade American territory, and b) they didn’t draw first blood at all. A full investigation into the matter never took place, as Polk had riled the American people into such a fury at that point that anyone who tried to challenge him would be deemed unpatriotic.
Did Polk lie our way into this war just to make America stronger and further his agenda? We’ll never know, but probably. Polk is the kind of man who can make these sort of tough, potentially illegal decisions in the interest of serving the greater good. What he does might not be very nice, but he does it well, and you’ll definitely want him on your side.
Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt
Without a strong Moral Compass, your team could fall under the pressure of your Brawn and Loose Cannon. You need someone pure steering the ship, a leader that everyone can get behind. Without Captain America, the Avengers would be consumed by ego and pissing contests. Without Leonardo, the rest of the Ninja Turtles would succumb to a life of attitude and pizza-partying. Without Moe, the rest of the Stooges would be lost in a dark world of violence and drug addiction. Every group needs a guiding beacon to remind everyone that they’re the good guys. The obvious choice for your team is George Washington, who is already basically Captain America to begin with. Washington is the only president that no other president has dared to criticize or find fault with; he’s the only man who could rein in the egos and personalities of the rest of the members and keep them in check.
Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt
Without a good Roosevelt, your team might as well just stay home and count their panties, because they’d be as good as dead out in the field. For this position, I recommend Theodore Roosevelt.
Alternate Choice: Theodore Roosevelt
Look, I’m not budging on this. If there really is a robot uprising, you can bet your stupid ass that the robots built a robo–Theodore Roosevelt (“Theodore Robosevelt”), and if you don’t have the real deal on your side, you won’t stand a chance. Roosevelt embodies every other archetype on this list and you’d be stupid not to have him. I guess you could maybe swap him out for Franklin Roosevelt, who is at an advantage by already being part robot, but if TR’s free, your choice should be pretty clear. All Teddy, all day.
