38

High noon had arrived. Roger and Jessica faced each other across my living room.

Jessica’s eyes popped out slightly, and her mouth chewed the air.

“Jessica,” Roger said in a scrolly script framed with teeny tiny hearts. “I love you. No matter what you did, I love you, and I always will.”

“You’re dead,” said Jessica, panic nibbling at the edge of her voice. “I went to your funeral. How can you be here when you’re dead?”

“That’s not really Roger,” I told her. “That’s his doppel.”

“What? His doppel?” Jessica backed to the wall, as far from Roger as she could get. “That’s impossible. Roger’s been dead for nearly two days. Doppels don’t last anywhere near that long. An hour, two at the most. That’s how long doppels last. This can’t be a doppel. This must be the real McCoy.”

“No, he’s a doppel all right.” I pointed at Roger’s sniffer. “You can see the glue line where I stuck on his nose.”

“Jessica.” Roger set down his tray and approached his wife. “I know you didn’t leave me of your own free will. I know deep down you still love me. What scant time I have left in this world I want to spend with you. Visiting those intimate restaurants we used to enjoy. Going for walks in the country. Riding the merry-go-round in the park.”

He reached out to touch her. She skedaddled away from him so fast you’d have thought his hand had fangs. “Get away from me, creep. What do you mean, I didn’t leave you of my own free will? You bet I did. I never loved you, never. Not when we married, and not now.”

Roger stopped in his tracks. The hearts around his words cracked in half, fluttered to the floor, and melted into about a hundred piles of lumpy mush. I’m not the kind of guy who feels sorry for anybody. I think most people make their own problems and deserve what they get. But I’ve got to tell you, right then that rabbit gave my heart string a tug that nearly yanked it out of my chest.

“I think you ought to know,” I told Jessica, “that it was Roger here who talked me into handling your case.”

She looked at Roger with all the gratitude you’d show toward something that slunk into your garden and nibbled the leaves off your Brussels sprouts.

She was about to lay into the rabbit again when somebody pounded on the door and a gruff voice said, “Police.”

“It’s Cleaver,” Jessica moaned. She scuttled along the wall the way spiders do when they’re desperate for someplace to hide. “He’s come to get me.”

Roger went to her and put his arm around her shoulder. I guess when you’re drowning you’ll cling to whatever floats, even a semi-dead rabbit. Jessica grabbed Roger and pressed her face into his chest. “Protect her, Eddie,” said Roger.

“If you think this will change things between you two, you’re wrong,” I said. “But you’re the boss.”

I opened the door.

Instead of Cleaver, I found Rusty Hudson and Nickels Jurgenson, a seedy, small potatoes pawnbroker, a guy with a face of stone and a heart to match. I’d sold him a few odds and ends over the years, but I’d always counted my take twice, to make sure Nickels hadn’t declared himself a dividend at my expense.

“Twice in one day,” I said to Hudson. “My cup runneth over.”

“So does your mouth,” he said, pushing past me into the apartment.

He walked up to Roger and Jessica huddled against the wall. He faced them but spoke to me. “You’re a wise apple, Valiant, and I hate wise apples. I told you to lay off the DeGreasy case. I told you it was locked up tight. I no sooner get back to the station house than I hear a rumor you’re still in it. I hear you even got yourself a partner, a rabbit, so I hear.”

He curled up his lip and gave me a peek at an eyetooth pointy enough to punch holes in leather. “This him?” He jerked a thumb in Roger’s direction.

I nodded.

“Well, maybe I better give this new partner of yours the same sermon I gave you so both of you get the message.” Hudson turned back to Roger and Jessica and stuck out his hand. “Rusty Hudson,” he said to Roger.

“Bucky Bunny,” said Roger. He disentangled himself from Jessica and put his paw into Hudson’s hand. Hudson shook but didn’t let go.

“Bucky Bunny,” said Hudson. “How cute.” With his free hand he motioned to Nickels. “Come here, Nickels, and meet Bucky Bunny.”

“Pleased to meet you,” said Nickels.

“You ever meet Bucky before?” asked Hudson.

“Yeah, once,” said Nickels. “He came into my shop a while back, and he bought a gun.”

Hudson turned to me, dragging Roger, whose paw he still held, along with him. Deprived of her protector, Jessica did her best to melt into the exposed plaster behind a peeling slice of my wallpaper.

“For your information, shamus,” said Hudson, “that gun your partner bought was the same gun that shot Rocco DeGreasy.” Hudson took out his handcuffs and dangled them in front of my eyes. “When he bought that gun, your partner’s name wasn’t Bucky Bunny. It was Roger Rabbit, and you’re in big trouble, Valiant. For starters I got harboring a fugitive. Concealing evidence. Accessory to murder.”

“Public enemy number one, that’s me,” I said.

“Not quite. You’re only number two.” He swung sideways and in one swift motion snapped the cuffs onto Roger’s wrists. “Your partner here’s the winner. What say we go downtown, rabbit, and you tell me your life story.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, grabbing Hudson by the shoulder. “This isn’t really Roger. It’s his doppel. You throw him in the clink, and he’s liable to disintegrate in there.”

Hudson reached under his coat, probably for something mean and metallic to make go bang in my face. I let loose of him. He brought his hand out empty. “Smart move, Valiant. There might be hope for you yet.” He gave Roger a none too gentle shove toward the door. “Look, I got to take this rabbit in for questioning. Maybe he is a doppel. Maybe he will disintegrate before he gets out. So what? This is a Toon we’re talking about. What do you care whether you ever see him again or not?”

“I care because he’s my partner. It doesn’t matter what he is or what I think about him. A guy’s supposed to watch out for his partner.”

“Valiant, if you really believe that, you’re a sentimental sap and about as realistic as some yegg in a two-bit thriller.” Hudson tipped his hat to Jessica, who was cowering against the wall, and headed Roger out.

“Eddie,” pleaded Roger in a balloon that clung to the doorframe as Hudson shoved him through. “Eddie, I’m your partner. Help me. Please.”

Nickels went out after them, slammed the door, and left me there alone with Jessica.

“What a relief,” said Jessica, uncorking a smile obscene enough to clear the room of anybody under seventeen not accompanied by parent. “For a minute there, I thought they’d come for me.”

“Must be your lucky day,” I said, “and I think it’s going to get even better. Just wait right here.” I went into the kitchen and brought back the teakettle or magic lantern or whatever you called it, handling it with a potholder since it was still hot from Roger’s tea.

“The lantern,” squealed Jessica. “You found the lantern.” She reached for it, but I pulled it back.

“Not so fast,” I said. “Do you know the magic words that activate this thing?”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t. But I won’t have any trouble persuading Dominick to tell me. I can be very persuasive. It won’t take me long.”

“Sorry, I can’t wait.” I headed for the door.

“Stop,” she shouted. “Let’s discuss this. We can make a deal. I’ll share my three wishes with you. I’ll give you one wish. Anything you want. Anything in the world.”

I opened the door.

“Two wishes,” she said. “I’ll give you two wishes. You can be the world’s best detective. Or the world’s richest man. Or the greatest lover. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll wish it for you. Wealth, power, whatever you want. Just leave me one wish for myself,” she said. “One wish. That’s all I ask.”

She had hold of my arm.

I disentangled myself from her and pushed her away. “Sister, the only wish I’ve got right now is to see Roger out of the pokey, and I think I can get that one fulfilled all by myself.”

“At least let me come with you.” She fondled the lantern with a lot more passion than she had ever fondled me. I’m surprised it didn’t melt from the heat.

“Sorry, but this trip I fly solo.”

She kept hanging on so I gave her a love tap to the jaw. She went down like a wet noodle. I straightened her out, tucked a sofa cushion under her head, and wished her pleasant dreams.