Chapter Thirty Nine

 

 

Q. What happened then, Tammy?

A. Well, believe it or not, the doorbell rang. I walked barefoot over the patio, over Annie lying there with the shoe sticking out of her face, and went to open the door. I had to unlock and unbolt and by the time I got it open, some minutes had gone by! Or it seemed like that. It was Poor Phil, he looked terrible.

Q. What did he want?

A. Well, me actually! But after the evening I was in no shape to see him or anyone. So to stop him going on about how much he needed me and could he please just spank me just once. I led him protesting his love for me and arguing about his need into the lounge and out on to the patio. And he saw Annie and began to shriek like a woman. God, what did Phyl see in that man!

Q. And he called the police.

A. Yes, he did, when he got himself together. I just sort of collapsed on the settee and stayed there.

Q. You do realise it was death by misadventure, don’t you?

A. I know I couldn’t have known the shoe would go into her eye like that, could I? I mean, I knew they were sharp high heels but not that sharp, it was one of those things she was closer than I realised, and I threw it with more strength than I realised, and -

Q. What really happened, Tammy?

A. What really happened was I thought she was some distance away from me so I threw the damn thing, but she was right behind me, so what I thought was a throw was a direct hit into her face. The stiletto heel went right into her eye. You have to understand this, Annie was always with me, her voice in my head, her singing her direct words, whatever, I never really knew if she was away from me or close to me because she was always there. Sometimes we spoke without words, - I had left her inside the patio doors. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of another worm, the dirt, the slimy body the sensation of it going down, I was about to be sick before I even ate the thing, and there she was singing to me about eating worms - I snapped, that’s all. But I honestly didn’t hear her walk toward me, come up behind me, I never realised she was that close. Trouble, is, I believe I’ve only done what so many would have liked to have done, Mrs Gibling for one, Alfred Wrayland for another, Danny had he lived, Mark, Niall, Phil even - they all knew one way or another that Annie had destroyed their lives, changed them forever. Just as she did me.

Q. This might seem silly but was there a - last thought from Annie?

A. Yes. How did you know that? She thought ‘you really did it, kiddo, the biggest punishment they could have!’ and then it all went black.

Q. How do you feel now, Tammy?

A. Free.

Q. And?

A. Lonely. I miss her. She’s gone, there’s no voices, no thoughts, no songs, no sensations, no nothing. I feel empty. And - guilty as hell. Because I did hate her so much in that moment, every part of me hated her there I was, hurting all over, dying for sleep, satiated with emotion, and she had to go and spoil it with that damn silly worm song! If she’d not done that I think I’d have found the damn worm and eaten it, just as I did before!! But no, Annie had to go and spoil it, didn’t she? As always!

Q. You still hate her that much?

A. I hated her then, I miss her now.

Q. Where do we go from here?

A. Well, as you’re here, and we’re alone, could you I mean would you - discipline me? Punish me? Hard? I mean, I’ve been such a naughty girl.