Get Ready for Sainthood

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Okay. That horrible farce is Over now. We can Relax and get back to sports. So let’s get back to Al Gore for a minute. He says he “will spend some time in Tennessee, mending fences” in his home state, where his neighbors didn’t vote for him.… Ho ho. I would feel very nervous if I lived down the road from the Old Gore place in Carthage right now.

When hill people start talking about “mending fences” just after suffering a brutal public beating, they are not thinking about pounding nails into wooden posts. They are already cooking up a hell broth of vengeance and punishment down there tonight.

When the Boss gets home for the holidays, it will be more savage than the Hatfields & McCoys. Some of his neighbors are already Doomed, and others will flee the state in a long caravan going south to Florida for Xmas. Many will have dead animals stuffed down their chimneys or get burned out by mysterious fires. Thousands of government jobs will be terminated & fancy farms will go on the block for a dime on the dollar.… That is how big-time Politics works, in Tennessee or anywhere else. When you Cross a still-powerful Loser, you’d better run when you see him coming.

The Xmas season is always a good time to say you’re leaving town, then change your mind and sneak back home like a burglar.

Yes sir, it’s time for the NFL play-offs & a frenzy of football action.… No more of that rotten Politics. We can afford to turn our backs on these swine for a moment. They will be too busy Looting & Bribing their new Connections in Washington to have time for stabbing people in the back. They love the Christmas spirit & they don’t want to ruin it. The stabbing will start in January, when it will become like the Night of the Long Knives.

Meanwhile, I have a Serious problem with the Play-offs. My Boys have Failed miserably—the 49ers were beaten like chickens right in front of our eyes all year long.… It was humiliating.… I have been addicted to the 49ers for 25 years, through thick & thin. I sat through hailstorms on the wet planks of Kezar Stadium when John Brodie was getting sacked & stomped like a bird every Sunday.

I drank beer with Dave Wilcox* at the Stadium Bar & Grill on Stanyan Street, right across from the Park & the Police station. I would chain my red motorcycle to a standpipe at Kezar during games or at night after Antiwar rallies.

So when the Good Years came, I figured we deserved them. I was Proud to live & die with the 49ers. I had tasted the sour wine of Defeat, so when Joe Montana showed up, & then Ronnie Lott & Jerry Rice, I saw it as a triumph of Good Karma. My friends agreed. When our Boys finally beat Dallas, we felt we were part of a New Master Race, & we behaved accordingly. We were winners. All roads led to San Francisco. And why not? It was the Cradle of Civilization. To be a Winner in San Francisco was to be a winner all over the World.

Ah—but that is another story & we don’t have time for it now. The real story is about how the Fate of some greedy half-bright Sports Team can drastically affect the Fate(s) of its Loyal lifetime Fans, including You.

And me. And Jack Nicholson.… Fred Exley got mixed up with Frank Gifford, & look what happened to him. In Jack’s case, it was the Lakers who made him what he is today. In my case, it was the Forty-Niners & San Francisco that determined my Fate in life. I might have become a shepherd, or Night Manager of the famous O’Farrell Theatre, if not for Joe Montana & Bill Walsh—just as Jack might be an aging pimp in Nevada today if not for Magic Johnson.

And so much for all that. I still need a team for the Playoffs.… As a gambler, I’m better off without one, but as an Addict I must have a team—so I have chosen the New Orleans Saints. Why not? They are 16–1 long shots to win the Super Bowl, and they still have to beat St. Louis to win the NFC West.… Unless Tampa Bay beats the Rams tonight, which I am betting will not happen. So the Saints game on Xmas Eve should be a humdinger. I make it New Orleans by 3 or 4.

Ed. Note: These are only the Doctor’s predictions. He is not taking bets on the World Wide Web.

Why am I betting that St. Louis will beat Tampa tonight & thus remain tied with NO atop the NFC West?

Because Kurt Warner will not throw four interceptions against the Bucs’ defense—which is what Miami’s Jay Fiedler did when Miami lost by three points to TB last week in a monsoon rain that slowed all movement by about 50 percent.

Only a 200-foot Tsunami in the Gulf of Florida will prevent the Rams’ racehorse-fast receivers from getting open against Tampa Bay, and Warner will hit them in the hands nine times out of 10—which means that the Bucs’ only chance here will be if Warren Sapp cripples Warner early in the game.

Meanwhile, the games will go on like always. The Rams will lose the Xmas Eve showdown in New Orleans. They will be sent off to play on the road & get croaked in the snow by some goofy team like the Giants.

I tried to ignore him & so did the players—but when the lawyer finally intruded too far into Wilcox’s Personal Space, the linebacker turned quickly on his stool, seized the lawyer by his striped necktie, & jerked his head straight down in a way that caused the lawyer’s Chin to smack down on the bar with a terrible noise that still makes me shudder when I remember it.… The bar-room fell silent & so did the lawyer, who staggered outside & spit little chips of bloody teeth all over the sidewalk. He could barely talk because he had bitten off a piece of his own tongue, which he picked up & took with him to the Emergency Room.… The incident made me so nervous that I never went into the Stadium Club again, but I still admire Dave Wilcox, & the lawyer still talks with a Lisp.

—December 18, 2000