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Homeowners Association Rule #18:
No trick or treating.
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"Don't make me do this. You were the one who started all of this. Don't make me go by myself to another neighborhood event."
Nola lay on the couch with her phone in her hand. "Why do we have to go?"
"We want to stay inconspicuous, right? If we stay home, Carol is bound to notice. Then she'll be asking everyone why we're not there. Besides, it will be way more fun than sitting on your phone all night taking selfies."
"So, you're saying I should go with you to the block party, and we can take selfies together?"
"Yes. No, no that's not what I meant."
She laid back down.
"Actually, I’ll take a selfie with you if you go with me."
She shook her head.
I leaned forward and wrapped a hand around her bare ankle. "Don't make me face Carol by myself. She scares me. I'm not above dragging you off this couch and carrying you to the gazebo."
With a nervous laugh, Nola stood up and pocketed her phone. She gave me a forced smile. "You're right. I should get out and make some friends. Get to know people in the neighborhood. Start swapping secrets."
"No, no, no. Definitely not that. All we need to do is show our faces. Mingle with very little small talk. We want to be present, but unremarkable. When we leave here, I'm hoping as few people will remember us as possible."
"Now who’s the party pooper. Let's go not make friends." She stopped in front of the entryway mirror and ran her hands through her hair.
"You look great. Let's go."
"Ah, see? You're already sounding like a husband frustrated with his wife being late. We'll play the perfect couple together."
I rolled my eyes and closed the door after us. It wasn't a long walk to the green space, and I didn't mind the exercise. Nola and I walked side by side, not speaking as we headed to the party. It was a surprisingly comfortable silence.
When we drew closer, I realized that they went all out for this meeting. Entire families were there. Kids were running around the field, weaving in between adults. The smell of barbecued hamburgers filled the air.
"Welcome!" Carol rushed to us as we reached the grassy area between the gazebo and recreation building. "How are you two? I'm so glad you both could come."
She gave Nola a pointed look.
Nola smiled at her, but I realized it wasn't her real smile. Funny how quickly you can come to know a person when you live with them, even just for a short time.
"It's good to see you, Carol," I said as I placed a hand on Nola's back, gently pushing her away from Carol. "I'm looking forward to meeting more of the neighbors."
"She makes my skin crawl," Nola whispered as we walked away, weaving our way through the small crowd gathered outside. "She looks at you like you're a piece of meat."
"Imagine how it makes me feel."
She laughed. "Trust me. Women know what that feels like."
She inclined her head toward a man who was gawking at her.
"Touché." I slipped my arm around her waist and pulled her a little closer, wondering at the sense of protectiveness I felt towards her. It was all part of the act, I reminded myself.
"Hey there!" It was Jan, the current HOA president.
"How are you?" I asked with a smile. "Have you met my wife yet? Jan, I'd like you to meet Nola."
"Hi there," Nola said as she shook the other woman's hand. "It's so great to meet you."
"You too. Now, why does your face look so familiar to me?" She continued holding Nola's hand. My heart sped up as I wondered if our charade was about to be over. "Oh, well, I'm sure it will come to me sometime. I hope you enjoy your evening. Do you mind if I steal your husband for a minute and ask a few questions about real estate?"
"Steal away," Nola replied breezily. I frowned. She didn't have to act like I was a nuisance.
For the next hour, I chatted with different neighbors while trying to keep an eye on Nola. A few times, I was asked a few personal questions about Nola and me, but I managed to steer us back to neutral ground: property values.
I spotted Nola sitting on a bench with a man and woman close to our age. It was the same man I'd met at the HOA meeting, Ian. The woman with him had bright purple hair. The three of them seemed to be laughing freely together. They looked much more interesting than the couple who were grilling me about how to get away without paying their realtor a fee. I started in their direction.
"Hello everyone!" A loud voice said. I glanced around to see Jan standing on a picnic table bench next to Carol. Of course, it was Carol getting everyone to quiet down.
"Oh, that's right, the ballots," someone said to my left.
Jan continued, "If the board members could make sure to drop their ballots off up here, we'll count the votes and announce the new head of the HOA."
"That would be me." A middle-aged woman brushed past me, her white-blonde hair shooting in every direction. Her perfume was potent, giving me an instant headache. She walked with a bounce in each step.
Nola stepped up next to me. "Is this the part where we leave?"
"You read my mind." I grasped her hand in mine and turned to go but came face-to-face with the young couple Nola had been speaking with.
"Bane, this is Tori and Ian." Nola made the introductions.
"Hey, good to meet you—again," Ian said as he shook my hand with a firm grip. "You survived your first HOA meeting."
The twinkle in his eye belied the serious tone.
"I hear you stopped them from destroying the green space too. I'm so glad," Tori said, brushing a purple strand of hair behind her ear. "I wouldn't have anywhere to let the dogs run free if another road cut through the neighborhood."
"Dogs?" Nola asked.
"Tori is the official dog walker in Willow Loop."
"I happened to notice you with a giant dog. Is he yours?" I asked Ian.
"Ah, yes, that's Mumford. You'll have to come by and meet him sometime. Do you know anything about Great Pyrenees?"
"No..." I shook my head.
"Neither do I," Ian laughed.
Tori piped up. "If it weren't for Mumford, we never would have met."
"Wow, that's so sweet!" Nola exclaimed.
Tori smiled. "Ian ended up in the ER thanks to that dog."
Nola gasped, and I chuckled. "How did—"
Our conversation was interrupted when Carol pushed the siren on the megaphone, pulling everyone's attention to the front podium set in the gazebo.
"Excuse me, everyone!" Carol said without speaking into the megaphone. She had a shockingly loud voice for someone able to sneak up on me twice. "We have all the votes in for the next president of the HOA. We are excited to announce that it is nearly unanimous with only a few outliers." Carol glared in the direction of the security guard whose name I couldn't recall. I'd had the misfortune of getting a lecture from him about locking the backyard gate.
I wondered where Jan was. Probably off celebrating her retirement. It wouldn't surprise me. When Nola and I had been busy making fun of the rules, all I could think was how difficult it would be to manage all the requests and rules people wanted to enforce.
"And I'm so glad Jan agreed to let me make the announcement. Our new HOA president is a man who recently moved to the neighborhood. We usually prefer someone who has been a resident for a little while longer, but there couldn't be a more perfect choice for the president of the HOA. As many of you have experienced tonight, he's very knowledgeable about properties and policies. I think he is the perfect addition to our neighborhood. I'd like you all to give a big congratulations to our new HOA president, Bane Fox!"
Cough. Wheeze. Gasp.
I couldn't stop coughing. A slender hand pounded on my back while a familiar laugh rang in my ear. "Now you've done it, Bartholomew," Nola told me quietly. "Good job not drawing attention to yourself. Better make a good, forgettable acceptance speech now. Carol looks especially proud of herself. You'll make a wonderful homeowner's association president."
I spun to face her, pressing my forehead against hers, grasping her by the shoulders. "Nola. This is serious. They've elected me. I didn't even know I was in the running. I can't be president."
Her eyes sparkled when I looked into them that closely. "Why not?"
I whispered furiously, "I'm homeless. That has to be in the bylaws somewhere. I’m pretty sure you have to own a home to be in an association."
"It's not that bad."
Carol's voice rang through the megaphone, "A recent homeowner himself..."
How long of an introduction was necessary for an HOA president? It's not like I was going to be a likeable character. As a matter of fact, I was about to become the most unpopular man in the neighborhood. Everyone loved complaining about HOA presidents. There were probably clubs devoted to it. Entire Facebook groups devoted to complaints.
Pulling back from Nola, I immediately missed the soft smell of coconut and grapefruit that seemed to follow her.
"If you could just wave big now, Bane," Carol was saying to me through the megaphone. Nola lifted my limp arm from my side and waved it in the air. I glared down at her, but she just grinned. Carol continued speaking, "Everybody see Bane? He's the one to go to if you have questions about current policies, or if you have any future ideas or complaints."
"Thank you, everyone," I nodded and smiled stiffly. "I'll try to look out for the best interests of the neighborhood while I'm here."
Carol winked at me, then said, "Any questions or concerns, and you can call or text. I'll be sure to get Bane's number and text it to you all. One more wave, so everyone knows who to look for when they have questions."
With another big wave, I stepped toward the shadows where Nola stood. "Quick, let’s get out of here. I don't want to stay here too long and give them a chance to come talk to me."
We turned around to make our getaway but came face to face with a Civil War veteran. Okay, he wasn't that old, but his glasses were thick enough to be bulletproof. "You'll make a terrible HOA president."
I nodded. "You're probably right."
"With a name like Fox, how do I know I can trust you?"
"Well, that's an excellent question—what did you say your name was?"
"Fredrick Rolston," he barked.
"Fredrick, I can understand your concerns. I'm new to the neighborhood. Honestly, I'll be speaking with Jan and Carol the first chance I get. I feel as though it isn't fair to the other residents to have someone so new to the area. You should be the president." Anyone should be the president but me. "I'm not familiar with the struggles and nuances of this neighborhood. I don't think I'd be able to represent everyone the way they deserve, so I’ll be stepping down."
Fredrick's face softened, or maybe the light shifted. "You're stuck now. Guess we'll see if you make a muddle of it."
With that, he stomped off.
Nola slipped her hand into mine—lacing our fingers together. My heart leapt into my throat, and it had nothing to do with the shock of being elected head of the HOA.
"Congratulations!" A shrill voice said behind us. I turned around, keeping a firm grip on Nola. It was the woman with the big blonde hair. "My name is Marcia. Now, I just have a few questions about that noise ordinance..."