“Excuse me,” an older man said from behind me, clearly attempting to weave around my stationary form as I stood front and center in the elevator on my way to my nursing class.
I scooted over instantly, realizing only then that I’d been blocking the automatic doors, but I’d been distracted all day. Jax showing up on my doorstep last night was unexpected, but what had grabbed me by the heart and not let me go was the grim bleakness that had seeped out of every pore of his body.
His posture had been slumped, his complexion pale, and his face drawn when he arrived, and seeing him like that had yanked at my heartstrings in a big way. When we were kids, I’d been witness to a few of Jax’s moments of vulnerability. But as a man, he seemed so self-possessed and on top of his game. Yes, there’d been some sweet moments with Callie, but he’d appeared so undaunted by everything else that came his way that I couldn’t imagine anything getting under his skin.
But this thing with our parents had thrown him off his foundations.
It made me realize something for the first time: we needed to stand up for ourselves as adults. While I couldn’t deny being a teenage mother, I wasn’t eighteen and pregnant anymore. Jax and I were twenty-three now. We had not only Callie to consider but our careers, our relationship and all the rest of our responsibilities. Our lives were our own, and neither my mom nor his had any business sticking their noses into them.
They’d already caused more than enough damage.
So I felt glad to receive a voicemail from Jax asking to come over so he could share a surprise. He’d sounded much lighter in his message, and I called him back, welcoming him. What I hadn’t prepared for was what kind of surprise he would bring.
“Puppy!” Callie had cried out the instant she saw the bundle of fur. It was a little black lab with a dark spot on his lolling tongue. “Thank you, Daddy.”
“You’re welcome, glamour girl. Now, all you have to do is think of a name.”
“Mommy, a puppy. A puppy, Mommy.”
“I see that,” I said as evenly as I could. Why had Jax done this without bothering to consult me? “Why don’t you go play in the kitchen while Daddy and I have a chat.” She happily skipped into the other room.
Beaming at me, he leaned in for a kiss, but I thrust a hand to his chest, halting his progress. “A puppy, Jax? Really?”
“What’s wrong with puppies?” He sent me a virtuous grin.
“Well, for one thing, puppies require a lot of care and I have enough to keep up with as it is. And for another, they’re not allowed in this complex. We could get evicted.”
“I have a solution for all of that. Just move in with me. I have plenty of space, I can hire a pet-sitter for anytime we’re not home, and we’d get to be together all the time.”
“Do you even realize what you’re asking of me?”
“Permission to make your life easier?”
“Permission?” I said, incredulous. If he’d asked permission, this wouldn’t have been an issue. “A puppy would make it harder.”
“Not if you’re at my place. I’ve already got that black tomcat. With the dog and cat together, they’ll look like brothers from another mother.”
He chuckled, but I didn’t think this the least bit funny. “This is too soon.”
“Rox, we’ve known each other since we were fifteen.”
“True, but so much has happened since then. I need to think about it.”
His jovial expression slipped right off his face. “I thought you were happy. We’ve been having a great time together.”
“We have been, but this is still very new. We just started dating again.”
“This is a lot more significant than dating. I love you and Callie. I want us to be a family.”
“But you don’t understand. If I break my lease, I’ll have to pay extra rent-” I explained, realizing it was a lame excuse even as I said it, but he cut me off.
“I’ll take care of that.”
“And then there’s Callie’s school. I’ve already registered her for kindergarten at the elementary in this district.”
“So re-register her at the school in my district,” he insisted, the stubborn streak he’d always had coming to the fore.
“Uprooting her could disturb her sleep patterns, not to mention her sense of security.”
“You don’t think I could make her feel secure?”
“It’s not that,” I said, wringing my hands. He seemed determined to push me into this without considering my side of the equation.
“Then, what is it?”
I put my hands on my hips defensively. I knew he didn’t intend to overstep, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings, but I didn’t like the way he was throwing his figurative weight around.
“I don’t think we’re ready to live together.”
He stared at me, his blue eyes bewildered. I hadn’t meant my putting him off as a rebuff, but I needed some time. If we did this too soon, it could jeopardize everything we’d been working so hard to build. From the next room, I heard our daughter’s giggles and the scratching of paws on linoleum. Great. There goes my deposit.
“What can I do to get you to agree to this?”
“Jax, this isn’t some business negotiation where you can bargain your way into a win. Don’t you understand?”
“I thought we were on the same page.”
I guessed he didn’t understand. “I just want what’s best for Callie.”
“I do, too. A stable two-parent household is unquestionably the best thing. You know that.”
My patience wore thinner and thinner. “Please don’t tell me what I know. I’ve been taking care of my daughter for nearly five years and-”
“Your daughter? So now you no longer consider her to be mine?”
“Dammit, of course she’s yours,” I hissed out. “But that doesn’t mean you can make unilateral decisions about how she’s going to be raised or where she’ll live.”
“Yet you can.”
“Yes, I can. I’m her mother.”
“And I’m her father, but apparently that doesn’t matter.” The tight manner in which he held himself demonstrated how pissed off he’d become, but so far, he’d kept his voice down. “Why don’t you tell me this: Do you trust me?”
“Yes, I trust you.”
“Then, do you love me?”
“Jax…” I blew out my frustration. I still had so much to sort out when it came to my feelings for him. It wasn’t something I could rush.
“You used to. You used to say those words to me all the time. You used to write it in every note.”
“That was in high school.”
“That’s an excuse, Roxy. People fall in love in high school all the time. This isn’t rocket science or brain surgery. Either you love me, or you don’t. Which is it?”
He’d backed me into a proverbial corner, and although I wanted to give him the answer he clearly needed to hear, I couldn’t. At least not yet.
“I don’t know.”
Jax blinked as if I’d backhanded him. Rubbing his bristly chin, he took a step back, then another. Callie choose that moment to come skittering through the living room with the puppy, chasing him as he panted.
“I have to go home, glamour girl,” her father told her, his voice carefully light. “And I have to take the puppy with me, but you can visit us any time you want.”
“Why, Daddy?”
“The puppy has to live with Daddy because dogs aren’t allowed here,” I piped up as her face fell. This was why Jax and I needed to discuss things first. Now, she was going to be disappointed.
“But I love the puppy.” There were tears in Callie’s voice. Perfect.
“He loves you, too.” Jax leaned down to kiss her nose. “And so do I. I’m not taking him away, I’m just watching him for you. I promise, okay?”
“O-okay…” she said, her breath hitching as a single tear slid down her cheek.
He lifted her into his arms, kissing her tear away. For a second, his expression showed nothing but torment and dejection. Then, he glanced away and cleared his throat, visibly pulling himself back together. Watching him do this made my nose sting, especially when he plastered on a pained grin.
God, he was making this impossible.
I hated letting him down, but I resented the position he’d put me in just as much. As horrible as I felt, I couldn’t let him push me in a direction I didn’t feel prepared to go. I knew he merely wanted to solidify things, but I couldn’t in good conscience put so much pressure on a relationship still in the freshly minted stage. It’d be irresponsible, and I hadn’t been irresponsible in a long time.
“Tell you what,” he started, swallowing twice before proceeding forward. “You think of what you want to call him, and then when you come over next time, we’ll teach him his new name together. Won’t that be fun?”
Callie stuck her thumb in her mouth, a habit she hadn’t reverted to since she was three. I knew it was an indication of not only her distress, but Jax’s as well. She’d always been exceedingly perceptive and sensitive to others’ emotions. They were wonderful qualities except at times like this. In an apparent attempt to fix the situation, Jax leaned down and picked up the puppy, juggling both of them.
The dog licked Callie’s face, making her giggle.
Nice save.
Now, I felt even worse.
He brought our daughter over to me, and we somehow made the exchange without looking each other in the eye. Then, he took the puppy’s paw and waved it at Callie before vanishing out the door.
My phone buzzed in the middle of class, and amid the nasty looks cast from several of my classmates, I hurried to glance at the screen. Kiddy City Daycare. Shit!
Hastening into the hallway, I accepted the call.
“Ms. Miller?”
“Yes.”
“This is Ms. Brandi, Callie’s teacher.”
The daycare personnel referred to themselves as teachers, but since few if any held anything beyond a high school diploma or GED, they remained uncertified and could use the term teacher only loosely. Hence the reason Brandi Fontaine became Ms. Brandi instead of Ms. Fontaine.
“Is she okay?”
“Oh, yes, this isn’t an emergency. But your little one splashed in a puddle during recess and needs a clean set of clothing. I feel obligated to remind you that it is the policy of Kiddy City that all children have at least one extra outfit maintained on the premises at all times.”
“I’m aware of the rule. I thought she still had one.”
“No, she used her other set of clothing the last time we had spaghetti.”
Now, I remembered. She’d gotten marinara all over her favorite sweatshirt. I’d had to hand scrub it to remove all the stains. I thought Raina had sent another set, but obviously, I was wrong. Raina was great with Callie here at the apartment, but she could be forgetful about following up with tasks outside of home. Not that I’d ever complain. My roommate ran herself nearly as ragged as I did.
Sigh.
It occurred to me that if Jax and I were living together, he probably would’ve caught that. He’d always had a memory like an elephant and an impressive IQ to match. But I couldn’t think about him right now. We hadn’t spoken since our mini-quarrel three days ago, though he’d texted asking to talk to Callie this morning when we were still home. I’d let her, hoping to at least check in on him at the end of the call, but he hung up before I could hear his voice.
So, that was where that was.
“I’ll try to bring an extra set tomorrow,” I told Ms. Brandi, then snuck back into class, making a note on my cell to pack her two sets just to be safe.
I’d been studying for my upcoming final around customers at the bar later that afternoon, when my phone buzzed for a second time. It was the daycare again. Since Callie was home with Raina, I let it go to voicemail, then listened to the message.
“Ms. Miller, this is the administrator for your daughter’s daycare. I’m sorry to inform you the automatic draft of your payment failed to go through. In order to keep Callie’s slot, we’ll need to be paid in cash here onsite within seven business days. And remember, that payment will need to include the past due amount as well as the next week’s bill. No partial payments will be accepted.” Click.
Well, wasn’t that peachy freaking keen?
I checked my banking app only to discover I’d accidentally overestimated how much had been in my account during my most recent billing cycle and had overdrawn on the total.
I’d just figured out how to borrow from Peter to pay Paul – which basically meant seeing how long I could go without paying my electric bill before they’d shut everything off – when yet another phone call came in. This time from my nursing school. That was odd, so since we weren’t busy, I picked it up.
“Is this Roxanne Miller?”
“It is.”
“You last student payment bounced, I’m afraid. You’re okay for your current class, but unless you can remedy the problem by the end of the semester, you’ll be dropped from the ones you’re enrolled in for the spring.”
Fuck my life.
I’d worked so hard to get ahead and had signed up for not one but three new courses for the next semester. I’d been attempting to make some quicker progress on my degree, but evidently, this wasn’t going to be in the cards. The only way I could go now was if I did another Wish Maker job, asked for a loan from my mom or borrowed money from Jax.
Since I’d been managing, if only by the skin of my chinny-chin-chin, I’d foregone any escort jobs, instead focusing on earning income through more upstanding work. Having seen how uncomfortable it made Jax for me to work as an escort, I’d sworn to him that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I hadn’t enjoyed the way I’d felt while doing those jobs anyway, so this wasn’t some huge sacrifice.
Still, at times like this one, I missed how it’d bulked up my bank account.
Asking for a loan from my capricious mother probably wouldn’t help since she rarely had any more money than I did. And borrowing from Jax? Hell, no. The last thing I should do while we were in the midst of a disagreement was come back to him from a point of weakness.
No, I’d have to postpone taking classes until the fall, a full eight months away.
Terrific.
But these things happened sometimes. I just wished that when it rained, it wouldn’t always pour.