If I had to choose a single characteristic that has made our relationship remain special, fun, and vibrant over the years, it would probably be that the two of us are, first and foremost, really good pals. Make no mistake about it—we’re all the other things too. We are committed to each other and faithful. We share an overwhelming love for our children, similar values and goals, many of the same friends, shared interests, and mutual respect, as well as an attraction for one another. We are also blessed with the same spiritual values and beliefs. Yet, as wonderful and important as all of these other characteristics are, none of them guarantees keeping your love for each other alive and strong.
After all, there are many faithful couples who bicker in the car on their way to church. There are plenty of wonderful and dedicated parents who share similar values. Yet, they are constantly irritated at one another. There are also tons of couples who have mutual friends, share similar hobbies and interests, and are physically attracted to each other, who nevertheless fight like crazy, experience jealousy, and just can’t seem to get along for extended periods of time.
When you are good friends first, however, everything seems to take care of itself. Pals support one another. They are patient and kind, and make allowances for each other’s imperfections. Friends are excellent communicators, and usually very good listeners. While they can also be serious, when appropriate, pals also find it easy to have fun, and to laugh. They stay connected, sharing in the good times and being there for each other during difficult times.
The best way to remain (or get back to being) pals is to see what’s in it for you and for your relationship. Once you are convinced that having a great friendship is the best way to secure a great relationship, the rest is pretty easy. Keep reminding yourself that your goal is to treat your partner with the same kindness, appreciation, and respect as you would your very best friend in the world. When in doubt, ask yourself, “If this person were my best friend, how would I respond and how would I act?”
Many people say, “My partner is my best friend,” but most don’t actually back up that statement with thoughts, feelings, and actions consistent with it. To the contrary, many individuals treat their partner with more jealousy, expectations, and demands—and with less appreciation, respect, and sensitivity—than they would a friend. Many people treat their partner as if they own them, and seem more interested in the image of who they want their partner to be than in who their partner really is.
If a friend said to you, “My dream is to change careers. It will mean less money, but I know I’ll be happier,” or if she said, “My dream is to live near the ocean,” you’d probably be enthused and supportive. But what if your partner said the same thing to you? How would you respond? Would you be supportive, take it to heart, and try to help her make it happen? Or would you automatically disregard it, or in some way minimize it—saying or thinking, “You can’t (or shouldn’t) do that. It’s not practical. It’s not what I want.”
Obviously, the spirit of your answer is what’s most important. It’s not always possible, practical, or even desirable for your partner to do everything he or she wants to do. You can’t always move or change jobs. We’re not suggesting that it’s necessary to always want what your partner wants, or that it’s your responsibility to make it happen. Instead, we are saying that it’s important to remember how friends treat friends and to take that into consideration in your relationship. What’s most important is that your partner knows that you’re genuinely supportive of her dreams, whether she can fulfill them or not.
We can assure you, firsthand, that being really good friends is a gift, and a goal worth pursuing. When you are good pals, you somehow find a way to meet in the middle, and to share in each other’s dreams without feeling like you’re sacrificing a thing. Implementing this strategy may take some reflection and the willingness to change a few habits, but it’s well worth the effort.