Chapter 2
Learn to Laugh at Yourself

Almost nothing immunizes you from day-to-day frustration more than a healthy sense of humor—particularly the ability to laugh at yourself. Every long-term relationship gets to a point where your partner knows you almost as well as you know yourself. He will see your quirks, anticipate your unhealthy responses, and know the ways that you sometimes get in your own way. Even if you tried, it would be difficult to hide your true self from your partner.

If you are unable to laugh at yourself, you’re in for a long, bumpy ride. You will struggle in your relationships because, as your partner teases you, notices your flaws, and occasionally points them out, you will feel and probably act a bit defensive. This, in turn, will exacerbate and highlight your weaknesses, making them seem far more significant. What’s more, your reactions to your partner’s comments will create additional issues for the two of you to deal with, and your “small stuff” will start to seem like big stuff.

If you look around at the happiest and most loving relationships, you’ll almost always notice that both people have an ability to laugh at themselves. Both partners will have the perspective necessary to stay lighthearted as their own imperfections come to the surface. This creates an environment where occasional teasing or kidding around is okay, and where one feels safe in making observations or suggestions. Your relationship has the chance to deepen and grow because both parties feel safe.

It’s quite remarkable to observe what happens to a potentially heated interaction when someone is able to keep their sense of humor. In most cases, the situation is diffused and simply melts away. For example, we were sharing time with another couple when the woman made a slightly snide comment to her husband. Specifically, she said, “You talk too much.” His response speaks to the point of this strategy. He laughed to himself and said, very gently, “You’re right, I sure can dominate a conversation.” More than his words, his ability to see a grain of truth in his wife’s statement, to remain humble, and to be willing to chuckle at his own tendency resolved the situation before it had a chance to gain any momentum. Often, when you keep your sense of humor and remain humble, your partner will sense when he has been too harsh and will end up apologizing for his comment. Even if this doesn’t happen, it doesn’t really matter because to you, it was no big deal to begin with.

Over the years, we’ve seen hundreds of similar conversations turn ugly because, instead of keeping a sense of humor and remaining lighthearted, the person on the receiving end of the not-so-nice comment became defensive and took himself too seriously. His inability to have a sense of humor encouraged him to lash back, argue, or start a fight.

When someone takes himself too seriously, you can sense it, even when he keeps his reactions to himself. His mood changes, as do his mannerisms, his tone of voice, and his body language. There are no two ways about it: Without a sense of humor, you end up suffering.

Remember that, as wonderful as you are, your partner spends a great deal of time with you. If he or she makes occasional observations that are less than sugar-coated, there may be a grain of truth in what they are saying. But even if they are off base entirely, it’s probably in your best interest to simply let it go—laugh it off. By laughing at yourself, not taking yourself so seriously, you will become much easier to be around. Your partner won’t feel as though she has to walk around on eggshells, making sure you don’t get upset. And in the end, because you will have created a more nourishing and safe environment for your partner, your relationship will be more loving and a heck of lot more fun.