In theory, if your home was too cold, there would be two primary ways to create a warmer temperature. The first would be to shore up the cracks. You’d walk around the house making sure the windows were tightly closed; you’d check the weather-stripping, the insulation in the attic, and any cracks in the walls, around the edges of doors, and so forth. In doing so, you’d keep additional outside cold air from entering the house. The other, more direct (and much quicker) approach would be to simply turn up the heat. Bingo—in a matter of a few minutes, your home would be warm and cozy—irrespective of any tiny cracks.
You can easily extend this metaphor to your relationship. You can attempt to create warmth and closeness by fixing everything that’s wrong. Theoretically, if you were able to mend each issue and repair every imperfection, you’d have one terrific relationship filled with warmth and love.
But like heating a home, a more direct (and more effective) approach would be to (metaphorically) turn up the heat. In a practical sense, this means that you ignite every warmth indicator you can possibly think of. You become kinder and more generous, and you start dishing out more compliments. You become less critical, stubborn, and judgmental. Instead of being irritated, you practice patience and forgiveness. You begin to use more eye contact and better listening skills. You choose being kind over being right, and you put the needs of your partner before your own. You say and do the things that you used to say and do when you first met. In short, you do anything and everything that is associated with loving behavior. If you turn up the heat in this way, your relationship will blossom despite the fact that there are tiny flaws. In fact, with enough warmth, most flaws and imperfections will work themselves out without much involvement or effort.
As obvious as this is (when you actually sit down and think about it), it’s almost never done. Most of the time the other approach is taken—trying to fix deficiencies. Frequently, people will say, “I can’t turn up the heat until certain conditions are met, until he or she begins to change.” The problem is, the type of change you’re looking for is almost impossible in the absence of enough heat. It’s putting the cart before the horse.
Caitlin was frustrated and a little bitter at her husband Fred for his lack of drive since he had been fired from his job. She told me, “I’m sick of his laziness. All he does is sit around. He’s not even trying.” She further told me that she had no intention of being loving until he got his act together.
I introduced her to the notion of turning up the heat. It took some getting used to, but eventually she agreed that, in principle, it sounded like a good idea. She made some subtle changes and became softer. In her words, she “got off his back.” She sat closer to him while they watched TV, and she dropped the heaviness from the issue. She started acting like a friend, someone who cared.
She reported to me that the changes in Fred and in their relationship were remarkable. Fred’s spirits began to rise and his sense of humor returned. He was able to open up and share his feelings. Caitlin saw a side to Fred she had never seen before—a more sensitive side.
Within a relatively short period of time, Fred was back on his feet and their relationship was stronger than before Fred had been fired.
The same dynamic applies to any relationship, regardless of what the circumstances might be and whatever challenges you’re facing. I’ve yet to see an instance where becoming more loving wasn’t an idea worth considering. See if you can think of some ways you can turn up the heat—you’ll be glad you did.