Chapter 5
Consider That the Grass Probably Isn’t Greener

We live in what might be called the “trade-up” era. We trade smaller homes for bigger ones, older cars for newer. We want better jobs, more income, a bigger retirement plan, and better experiences. We want better bodies and to belong to the best gym. It seems that everyone wants a better computer, one that’s faster and that can do more things. After all, they are obsolete after a year or two. Popular mottos include “New and Improved” and “Out with the old and in with the new.” If you believe the ads, you might even imagine that the best solution to being overextended financially is to get an even bigger loan. That way, you can consolidate your debt and, at the same time, buy more things, different things that are better than what you already have. We want, we want, we want. Always more. Something else is always going to be better.

In a way, it’s no wonder that we transfer at least part of this neurotic tendency to our partner. After all, the “something else would be better” philosophy is ingrained into our way of thinking. Why would our relationship be the one exception to this rule? It seems inevitable that we would think of our partner in these same terms, at least once in a while. Maybe someone else would be better looking or a better lover. Or, perhaps they would treat us better or be a better listener or be more attentive. Maybe, with a different partner, our needs would be met more often and we’d finally be satisfied. This idea is certainly reinforced on television. It seems that almost everyone is either having an affair or finding a new love. No one is satisfied for long.

Obviously there are times when a new partner could be the answer, but this is clearly the exception rather than the norm. And while you may not be in the market or actively looking for a new partner, it’s nevertheless important to know that there’s a way that even thinking in those terms prevents you from fully enjoying what you already have and from making your relationship all that it can be. When your focus is on what would be better, or on comparing what you have (or who you have) to the fantasy of something (or someone) else, it encourages a great deal of dissatisfaction and frustration.

It’s helpful to realize and admit that, often, the fantasy of something different is a lot better than the reality of something different. We’ve met men and women who have left their spouses for someone else—someone younger or better looking, or someone who gave them more attention or who had more money—or whatever. Without exception, the fantasy was better than the reality. New people may be wonderful, but, like the rest of us, they too have issues. Along with new partners come a new set of problems. Many people say, “If I were with someone else, I wouldn’t have to put up with this.” That may be true, but you’d have to put up with something else. Guaranteed. There’s just no way around it.

This strategy is very helpful if you want to feel more peace and satisfaction in your relationship. It’s also quite easy to implement. All you have to do is become aware of the tendency to think that someone else would be better—and keep it in check. That’s it—no big deal. And when you find yourself thinking in these terms, try something a little different. Instead of distracting yourself with thoughts of what or who would be better, see if you can find a way to make the relationship you’re already in be as good as it can be. Appreciate what you have now and you’ll probably discover that the grass isn’t always greener.