Above all else, adopt an attitude of kindness. Make it your highest priority to practice it every day. Start at home—in your relationship. Kindness is one of the primary ingredients in nourishing a warm feeling between two people. In fact, it can be the centerpiece of your entire relationship. It does everything from keeping you close and connected when all is well, to keeping arguments from turning into fights.
Being genuinely kind is not about smiling when you don’t feel like it or acting cheerful when you’re low. Rather, it’s about treating your partner (and everyone else) the way you would like to be treated. It’s been said many times that, in life, we teach people how to treat us. It’s certainly true that the best way to teach others (including our partner) that we would like to be treated with kindness is by offering our kindness first. Indeed, kindness is extremely contagious.
Sue, married for twenty-five years, always speaks about her husband, Rick, with a smile in her eyes that makes you feel as though they must be happy together. I asked her what she felt was the key ingredient to the obvious success and happiness of her marriage. Without even having to think about it, she said it was because she is married to one of the “kindest people imaginable.”
For example, Sue said that she has a tendency to be stubborn about her ideas. During a stubborn moment, Rick’s ability to stay calm and kind tends to diffuse Sue’s rigidity. Rather than becoming a power struggle, his kindness helps both of them keep their perspective. Or, on a bad day, Sue might come home tired and irritable. Rather than reacting to her mood, Rick simply gives her some space, allowing her to work through her feelings in her own time. He’s always there if she needs him, but doesn’t bombard her with questions or suggestions.
It’s important to treat your partner with the same kindness that you would give your very best friend. You start with the little things—listening from the heart and being respectful and thoughtful. Being kind means asking permission, when appropriate, and saying “I’m sorry” when you’re wrong or when you make a mistake. Being kind means being polite. It also involves trying to anticipate the needs of your partner and asking yourself, “What would make him happy right now—is there anything I can do?” Kindness really is about the simple things.
I’m biased, of course, but I live with one of the kindest people on this planet. Richard wakes up almost every day with a smile in his eyes and a true appreciation for life. He responds to even my worst PMS days with gentleness and understanding. Because of this, it’s hard for me to become overly angry with him over little things like his tendency to rumple his wet towel on my side of the bed or use my toothbrush by mistake. If he wasn’t so kind, these things would probably drive me crazy.
We’ve learned that it’s easy to be kind when things are going well—and when your partner is being kind first. It’s a different story, however, when things aren’t going so well—or when your partner isn’t being so nice. This, however, is the time when it’s most important to practice kindness. In fact, these are some of the most defining moments of your relationship.
People are like mirrors of one another. For the most part, we get back that which we put out. The next time the person you love is having a bad day, try something a little different. Look him in the eye with a smile that says, “It’s okay,” and “I love you all the time, even when you’re low.” Chances are, if you do, you’ll get a smile in return. We think you’ll agree that kindness, practiced on a daily basis, is one the key ingredients to nourishing your partnership for a lifetime.