John Gray makes a great point in his Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books that men and women are different. In fact, no two people are alike, and we all see the world through our own vision. We all filter information through a unique screen determined by our own personal history and the way we see the world. It’s important to understand your partner’s reality in order to effectively communicate with him, or for that matter, to have any chance of having an ongoing loving relationship.
We know a couple where the two partners are complete opposites. Joanne is highly intuitive and creative, and the epitome of a right-brain, emotional thinker. She can make instant, brilliant decisions based solely on her intuition and creativity. Ray is a type A, 100 percent left-brain, analytical thinker. Ray makes a perfect devil’s advocate. To him, everything needs to make logical sense or it’s disregarded. If he disagrees with something, he will immediately begin thinking of all the reasons why it doesn’t make any sense.
When they first met, theirs was a case where opposites definitely attracted one another. Ray loved Joanne’s spontaneity and her willingness and ability to enjoy the moment. He felt that he needed to be with someone who was less aggressive and more nurturing than he. Therefore, Joanne was just what the doctor ordered. Likewise, when she first fell in love with Ray, Joanne loved his intellectual and driven nature. She was impressed with his willingness to work weekends, go without sleep, and spend hours analyzing problems, because these were things she had never been able to do. She felt that they would certainly complement each other and live happily ever after!
Over the years, however, their differences began to eat away at their loving connection. Ray became distant and frustrated because once the novelty wore off and real-life issues presented themselves, he simply couldn’t understand Joanne’s emotional decision-making process. She would make decisions that, from his perspective, weren’t “thought out.” This frustrated him no end.
Likewise, Joanne became depressed because she never felt equipped to compete with Ray’s methodical and aggressive style of communication. Ray had been the captain of his college debate team, and Joanne would often leave their discussions feeling squashed and dejected, as if she was one of his inferior opponents.
Luckily, Joanne had a major insight. She has discovered a way to empower herself while also strengthening their communication. She realized that their marriage was doomed if she couldn’t find a way to talk to Ray, his way—in a way he could really understand. So, today, when a situation arises where she is sure that they will be in conflict, or if she wishes to discuss an uncomfortable or difficult subject, Joanne has learned to outline all of her points and back them up in an organized, linear fashion (to the extent that she is able to do so). She knows that this is the only possible way that Ray will be able to hear what she has to say. It’s important to know, however, that Joanne didn’t come to this conclusion out of a sense of surrender, but rather from wisdom, as a means of taking their relationship to a new level of partnership. We have learned that speaking to your partner in his or her way all but ensures better communication.
The results have been spectacular. While Ray may not always agree with Joanne’s point of view, he has become less judgmental and reactive, and a far better listener. He can process the information in a more businesslike manner, the way he is accustomed to thinking. He has even shown a slight willingness to attempt to speak to Joanne in ways that make her comfortable.
In addition, Joanne now feels equipped to handle his questions without appearing overly emotional. She’s encouraged that he seems more willing to listen.
We’re not taking the position that all men are more linear in their thinking, or that women are always more emotional. Instead, we’re all different in the ways that we think. Knowing this can give you the power to change the dynamics of your relationship, forever. Remember, your reality is not the reality—it’s just yours. Finding a way to understand your partner is a wise thing to do.