Chapter 11
Avoid the words, “I Love You, BUT”

There’s no question that three of the most beautiful and longed-for words in any language are “I love you.” Left alone, they can bring forth feelings of warmth and connection. However, you can virtually destroy the beauty as well as much of the positive impact of these wonderful words by doing nothing other than adding the word “but” to the end of the phrase. Doing so turns a statement of innocence and respect into a manipulative and self-serving lecture.

Kris was the first woman to teach me this important lesson. Years ago, shortly after we fell in love, she looked me in the eye and asked me the question, “Are you aware that you have qualified your love for me twice in the past five minutes?” At the time, I didn’t even know what she meant. She went on to explain that while she appreciated the fact that I enjoyed telling her that I loved her, the truth was that my words seemed far less genuine when I attached a condition. Specifically, I had told her, “I love you, BUT I want you to stop keeping me waiting” and “I love you, BUT it bothers me when you assume I’ll want to do something when your friends are involved.” Later she told me that she was bringing it up because it was becoming a habit, and she hoped I could nip it in the bud.

When she first brought this to my attention, I was a little defensive. I’ve since learned, however, that there was no reason to be. Kris wasn’t making a statement that she was above criticism, or that I wasn’t free to bring up issues that were bugging me. To the contrary, she encouraged it (and still does). What she was asking me to do was to separate my “I love you’s” from any issues I was having with her. She was correctly pointing out that while both ends of the spectrum (the expression of love and the freedom to discuss issues) are important in an honest, loving relationship, the two are absolutely unrelated.

As I thought about it, it made perfect sense. When you examine the intent of the word “but” after the words “I love you,” it becomes clear that the only reason you would connect the two would be to make your gripe or complaint appear more reasonable. Rather than having the courage to simply bring up the issues that were concerning me, I was making certain that, first, I looked like a good guy. In a way it was like saying, “I’m a really nice, patient, and tolerant guy who really loves you. And now that we’ve established all of this, let me tell you how I want you to change so that you will be even more loving in my eyes.”

If that isn’t grotesque, what is? It has “hidden agenda” written all over it!

Since that time, I’ve heard this “add-on” hundreds, maybe even thousands, of times. Often, as was the case with me, it’s delivered directly from one person to his partner. In many other instances it’s delivered secondhand. For example, just yesterday I was talking to a woman on the phone who told me, “I really love Kurt, BUT I can’t stand it when he interrupts me.”

This is a very simple idea that pays enormous dividends. The idea, as Kris originally taught me, is to avoid connecting your loving praise with the things that are bothering you. When you feel love for your partner, tell her. Likewise, when something bothers you, share that too. Just don’t do it at the same time. If you’re at all like me, you’ll soon discover that both your compliments and your concerns will be taken far more seriously.