The human mind is an amazing thing in that, whatever it’s looking for, it tends to find. So, if you’re looking for ugliness, you’ll have no trouble finding it. If you’re looking for cruelty, again, you’ll find plenty of evidence of that, too. And if you’re looking for beauty, you’ll be able to find that, as well.
Without question, one of the most effective ways to immunize yourself from the usual frustrations of being in a relationship, as well as one of the best ways to keep your relationship lighthearted and vibrant, is to use this predictable mental dynamic as a tool to look for and identify the gifts that often are cleverly disguised as hassles or emergencies. This is a practical way to keep your heart open and to grow from, rather than be frustrated by, day-to-day living.
There are endless examples of how to use this strategy to enhance your relationship, even in scenarios that ordinarily would seem painful or cause for alarm. Here are just a few:
Suppose your partner is flirting with a good-looking stranger. What possible gift could be found in something like this? You could, of course, use this as an excuse to fly into a jealous rage or to confront your mate. Either way, your relationship will probably suffer some degree of damage. Looked at as a gift, however, it might be seen as a “wake-up call,” a sign that you need to be more attentive and loving, a gift that might transform or even save your relationship.
Imagine that your wife is offered a job in a different part of the country. This could be seen as a major hassle or even a tragedy. If you focus on this aspect of it and express this position, you’ll probably feel bad or be seen as an unsupportive spouse. If you were looking for a gift, however, it might be seen as an ideal chance to demonstrate how supportive you can be, or as an opportunity to begin a new adventure together.
A couple who had been married for twenty years approached me after a lecture. With his wife standing by his side, smiling, the husband told me that he had suffered an injury that probably would make him impotent for life. He went on to say that it had turned out to be one of the most important things that had ever happened to him. Prior to the injury, he had become single-minded in his career ambition to the point of becoming almost uncommunicative. The two of them were drifting apart, and the only intimacy they experienced together was, occasionally, in the bedroom—hardly nourishing enough to hold together a twenty-year-old marriage. The injury had forced him (and them) to learn new ways to feel and express intimacy. After twenty years, the two of them had finally learned to become friends. His wife said that he has turned out to be “one of the kindest men in the world.” Certainly, it was a sacrifice and had required adjustments, but according to her, “The accident turned out to be a gift in disguise.”
It seems that if there are people wise and resilient enough to see a gift in something seemingly so painful, then the rest of us ought to be able to discover the gifts in most of our more ordinary day-to-day experiences. The truth is, we can when it’s our intention to do so.
When you’re looking for the gifts in a situation, you’ll almost always be able to find something positive to focus on. When this becomes your normal way of perceiving things, you’ll find that it’s almost impossible to get too upset over daily things, especially “small stuff.”