Chapter 16
Stay Away from Ultimatums

I once did a survey, asking one hundred people if they liked it when they were given an ultimatum. Ninety-five people said no. The other five said some variation of “You must be kidding.” The next time I did the survey, I rephrased the question. This time I asked, “Can you think of an instance where you would appreciate being given an ultimatum if there were any other options?” Slightly different question—exact same answer. I’ve never met anyone who likes ultimatums. Have you? Yet, many people use this form of manipulation on a regular basis to get what they want. My experience is that, in one way or another, it almost always backfires.

This isn’t to say there aren’t certain instances when you have virtually no option but to give someone an ultimatum—for example, “You must show up to work on time or you’re going to lose your job.” That’s a different issue. What we are talking about here is the fact that, in relationships, ultimatums rarely are well received.

There are several good reasons to stay away from ultimatums. First, ultimatums box people into a corner and limit and distort their choices. An aggressive and obnoxious sense of pressure is added to an already difficult decision, which seems to create an almost universal repulsion.

Second, even if the person demanding the ultimatum ends up getting what he or she wants, they are often resented and retaliated against by the person to whom they issued the ultimatum. For example, Jean says to Robert, “If you don’t agree to attend my family reunion I won’t talk to you for a week and you can forget about borrowing my car.” Robert may end up going—but resent the entire trip and harbor negative thoughts about Jean for a long time to come. He may find ways to “get back at her” and may even lose respect for her for painting him into a corner.

In the long run, a more effective way to ask would have been for Jean to say, “I’d really love for you to be there with me. I hate to put such pressure on you, but I have to admit that I’ll be very disappointed if you don’t come.”

Not always, but often, an ultimatum stems from the fear that, in the absence of the ultimatum, you’re not going to get what you want. So, out of desperation, you demand it, attaching a serious consequence—hoping that will do the trick. The problem is, you push the person away far more often than you frighten someone into doing it your way.

A man I used to know whose name was Roger was crazy about his girlfriend, Ann. He really wanted to get married and Ann was leaning in that direction, but wasn’t quite ready. He gave her the very common ultimatum, “Marry me now or it’s over.” You know the rest of the story. Years later, Roger was still upset that Ann didn’t marry him, while she was happily married to someone else with two beautiful children. The sad part of this story is that, had Roger simply been more patient and loving, Ann probably would have been ready for marriage within a reasonable amount of time. Even if she had decided not to marry Roger, he still would have been better off, as she would have ended the relationship with more respect and fonder memories for him. As it turned out, she couldn’t stand the pressure and left with a feeling of disgust.

As I mentioned above, there are certain instances where a person has no option other than to give an ultimatum. For example, what if you really want to get married and have a family—and your partner, even after years together, simply won’t make the commitment? In this type of situation it’s probably necessary. But if you have to do it, at least explain to your partner that you wish you didn’t have to. Acknowledge that you understand the distasteful nature of ultimatums.

What’s most important here is to simply see that it’s best to avoid ultimatums whenever possible. You’ll probably end up getting more of what you want anyway—and without question, your relationship will be on a more solid footing. So stop giving ultimatums—or else!