Ideally, everyone who is in a love relationship would treat their partner as a 100 percent equal, in every sense of the word. Unfortunately, however, we don’t live in an ideal world. For a variety of reasons, there are some people, both men and women, who feel a sense of superiority. In some cases, they feel their role or contribution is more significant or important than their partner’s. In other cases there is simple ignorance. Then there are those who have an unhealthy dose of arrogance or self-importance.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and, ultimately, your relationship is to know your own value, to feel secure that you are special, unique, and important. There isn’t a person in this world who is just like you, and no one could take your place. Your contribution is important, and the gifts and value you bring to your relationship are significant and irreplaceable.
Sadly, there are many people who buy into their partner’s sense of self-importance. Perhaps their partner makes most or all of the family income, so they feel (and are often treated) as dependant. The wage earner acts as if their partner is lucky to be “taken care of” and minimizes their contribution. And while a person is fortunate to have their material needs met by his or her partner, it’s equally true that the “breadwinner” is every bit as fortunate to have many of his or her needs met as well. Often, it’s the non-breadwinner, behind the scenes, who makes it possible and convenient for the breadwinner to do his or her thing. To minimize this part of the puzzle is selfish and foolish.
An incredible shift takes place when both partners know their own value, when each person feels secure in their unique contribution. It’s nourishing to a relationship when each person feels he or she is an equal partner.
I met a couple who fits one of the classic “stereotypical” models. Sean, the husband, worked outside of the home and earned the family income. Martha stayed home with their three school-age children. Both worked extremely hard. The primary difference between the two was that, while Martha appreciated her husband’s contribution, Sean took Martha for granted, in every sense of the word. He did little, if anything, around the house. When one of the kids would get sick in the middle of the night, he assumed she would take care of it while he slept soundly. Any and all hassles were hers to deal with. His attitude spoke as loudly as his actions. She claimed it was somewhat subtle, yet in a way, he spoke down to Martha, almost as if to “keep her in her place.”
The difference between this couple and so many others, and the reason we wanted to include their story in this book, is that Martha never, for a moment, doubted her own value. For years she put up with her husband’s arrogance, thinking he (to use her words) “just didn’t get it.” At some point, however, she became fed up.
Rather than feel badly about herself or their marriage, Martha took matters into her own hands. She didn’t sulk, scream, or feel insecure in any way. Instead, she confidently laid down the law. Specifically, she said, “Listen, Sean, I have loved and supported you for a long, long time. I know you have some strange guy thing where you feel your contribution is more important than mine, but you’re just plain wrong! In fact, you’re out-to-lunch. I don’t know of a gentle way to put this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. I’m taking a one-month vacation from doing things for you. If you get the message, I’ll go back to my old ways; if not, you’re on your own for another month. During this month you’ll have no meals cooked for you, no laundry, no reminders of your commitments and absolutely no cleaning of any kind. If the house is a mess, you can clean it up or not—I don’t care. I won’t cover for you when you miss important activities the kids are involved with, nor will I track down the numerous things you seem to lose every day. I’ll continue doing the fifty or so things I always do for the kids because I love them and they are too young to fully appreciate all I do for them, but you have no excuse. I want you to know that I still love you very much, but I’m not playing anymore. Good luck and have a nice month.”
Unbelievably, Martha stuck to her guns for the entire month! When she told me the story, I wondered how their marriage survived—but it did. After his initial resentment and shock, Sean developed a new respect for his wife which, apparently, changed the dynamics of their marriage. In fact, he looks back shamefully at his old attitude.
Obviously, this is an extreme case, and Martha’s approach wouldn’t work for, or even appeal to, everyone. In fact, I’ve never heard another story quite like it. However, it demonstrates the power of knowing your own value. Hopefully, your partner (man or woman) would never minimize your value for any reason, financial or otherwise. However, even if this happens, it’s helpful to remember that how you feel about yourself is what’s most important. Take time on a regular basis to remind yourself how special and wonderful you really are. If you do, you’ll always know your own value.