Chapter 24
Become a World-Class Listener

One of the most consistent “sore spots” of relationships is the complaint, “He (or she) doesn’t really listen to me.” When you ask around, it becomes clear that almost no one feels that their partner is an “expert” listener.

Becoming a world-class listener does two things. First, and most obviously, it nourishes your partner by demonstrating on a moment-to-moment basis that you truly care about what she has to say. It’s the best and perhaps only effective way to show that you are interested and that you understand. You can always say, “I care about you,” but if your attention is elsewhere, you are demonstrating that other things—those worthy of your attention—are actually more important.

Being a good listener also reinforces the fact that you care about your partner’s feelings and that you acknowledge and value her opinions. When someone feels listened to, it contributes to making them feel special instead of taken for granted. Good listening skills encourage the person who is talking to open up and be willing to share, and almost always brings two people closer together. It also encourages reciprocal listening, which creates heartfelt and intimate communication. There’s no doubt about it, it’s relaxing and engaging to be around someone who listens to you and, quite frankly, it’s a drag to be around someone who doesn’t.

There is another, perhaps lesser-known, benefit to excellent listening skills to be aware of as well. Effective listening greatly reduces your propensity to overreact to, or get upset by, little things. When you listen carefully and lovingly to your partner, it will, in most cases, prevent you from jumping to conclusions or reacting habitually, which is precisely what happens when you assume you already know what your partner is going to say, or when your mind is drifting, however slightly.

When you take the time and effort to listen, you’ll hear (and sense) things you wouldn’t otherwise hear if you were simply waiting for your turn to talk, or only partially paying attention to what is being said. You’ll become far more compassionate because you’ll hear the pain and frustration that is sometimes experienced by your partner. You’ll see the innocence in your partner, and your heart will remain open. On the flip side, you’ll also be able to share in your partner’s joy because you’ll hear enthusiasm and excitement that is entirely absent without excellent listening.

The difference between adequate listening and world-class listening is enormous. Often, it can be the difference between a relationship that is poor or that simply seems “okay”—and one that is truly magnificent. Adequate (or normal) listening is often tolerated, but it does nothing to nourish the spirit. Being listened to is such a profound human need that, in its absence, there is almost always a feeling that something is missing. On the other hand, when someone feels heard, as long as it’s genuine, she tends to feel complete and satisfied, as if there’s nowhere else she’d rather be than right there with you.

The only way to become an expert listener is the old-fashioned way—lots of practice. World-class listening means much more than being able to repeat what your partner has just said. It involves being truly “present” with what is being discussed, as well as being patient and empathetic. It means you first attempt to understand what is being said—you nonjudgmentally internalize it and make sure your partner finished—before you jump in and take your turn.

The good news is, anyone can become a better listener, simply by having the genuine desire to do so. All you have to do is observe how tempting it is to butt in, interrupt, or offer some feedback before the person with whom you’re speaking is finished and before you understand what he is trying to say. You’ll probably have to catch yourself many times before your habit is under control, but it will get easier with each passing day. As you nip this problem in the bud and as you become at least as interested in listening as you are in speaking, you’ll be paving the way to a rare treat—a mutually respectful and satisfying relationship grounded in world-class listening. What could be better than that?