Chapter 30
Don’t Put Your Partner on the Spot

Right up there near the top of the “I can’t stand it when my partner does that” list is the nerve-wracking, insulting, and oh-so-irritating habit of putting your partner on the spot. Or, put another way, this means forcing your partner to make an instant decision at an awkward moment, when if he were to choose a certain answer, it would make him look bad.

Here is a classic example: The phone rings. You’re not in the mood to talk, so your partner answers the phone. On the other end is a mutual friend who is calling to ask if the two of you would like to get together over the weekend.

For weeks, you’ve been looking forward to a quiet weekend and a chance to catch up on some home projects. Your partner, however, is in a social mood and rejoices at the thought of getting together.

Here’s where it gets sticky. Your partner pulls the phone away from her ear and says to you, “Honey, I’m so excited. It’s Susan. We’re all going to get together this weekend. Doesn’t that sound great?” Susan, on the other end of the line, can hear everything you’re saying and is now anxiously awaiting your response.

If ever there was an uncomfortable moment, this is it. What are you supposed to do? In all honesty, you really don’t want to get together with Susan. However, she’s a really good friend and you haven’t seen her in quite a while. Furthermore, she’s excited to see you—and your partner is excited too.

But now you’re on the spot. You don’t have even a single moment to reflect on your priorities or on how much time you need this weekend to get your other things done. You don’t know all the facts or even exactly what you’re being asked to do. If you’re completely honest, you might appear selfish, hurt your friend’s feelings, or upset your partner. If, on the other hand, you agree, despite not really wanting to go, you are probably going to feel a little ripped off, perhaps even resentful. At that point, the best you can do is balance your options the best that you can and try to remember that this, too, is small stuff. Either decision will be okay.

However, there is a solution so simple and respectful that it’s a shame not to use it. Philosophically, it might be called, “It’s not fair to put my partner on the spot.”

To implement this philosophy, all your partner would have had to do is to honestly express her own enthusiasm to meet with your friend. Then, she would politely say, “I can’t speak for (you), but I sure hope he will be able to come along too. I’ll ask him if he has any plans and get back to you right away. I can’t wait to see you.”

That’s it. Problem solved. Everyone wins, no one’s feelings are hurt, and no one is put on the spot. You now have the chance to think about your options, hear how important your involvement is to your partner, sort out all the factors, and make a decision. What could be easier than that?

Perhaps the most awkward way to be put on the spot is in front of other people. This is even worse than the example of the phone because, in these cases, others not only hear you but can see you, too—your gestures, body language, and so forth. You can put your partner on the spot in many ways. Unfortunately, none of them are experienced or received in a loving or appreciative way. Instead, being put on the spot usually elicits a defensive or some other type of negative reaction. In any event, it almost always creates a stressful environment.

One of the easiest ways to avoid sweating the small stuff in love is not to be unnecessarily put to the test. And if you don’t want to put your partner to the test, this one is a no-brainer! Not always, but usually, you can avoid putting your partner on the spot. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with a more relaxed and probably more loving partner.