Chapter 31
Think Before You Speak

We have a dear friend who shared with us the following story: She had just returned home from a long bike ride with some friends. She was really excited because the time it took to complete the second half of the ride was less than the time it took to complete the first half. Because she was trying really hard to get into better physical condition, she felt this was truly significant and she was justifiably proud of herself. Excitedly, as she walked in the front door, she shared her success with her husband. Without thinking, he blurted out, “The reason you were able to go faster on the way back is because there is more downhill.”

Ouch! Our friend felt as if someone had stabbed her in the back. Her story had been minimized, and she felt as if she had been “put in her place.”

Obviously, people have said far worse things, and I’m sure she was able to get over his thoughtless comment within a relatively short period of time. The question, however, is, “Why did he have to say it?” Whether he was technically correct or not is irrelevant. There was absolutely no possibility that anything positive could come of his comment. Nothing was added. The only possible end results were hurt feelings, a lowering of self-esteem, and a dose of resentment. Why would anyone do something with such a predictable negative result? Yet, people do it all the time—and usually to the person they love the most.

What’s interesting is that our friend’s husband is a genuinely nice person. It’s highly unlikely that he meant any harm, and he truly loves his wife. His fatal flaw here wasn’t a lack of love—but lack of the discipline to think before he spoke.

This tendency to speak without thinking comes out in many ways—sarcasm, putdowns, one-upping, correcting, or simply saying something unnecessary, but in some way mean. It usually happens when you’re in a reactive state of mind such as when you’re a little tired, overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. How often have you blurted something out while you were in a really bad mood, only to regret it later?

A general rule of thumb is this: If you have even the slightest doubt about whether or not your upcoming response is appropriate, ask yourself the following two-part question: “Is my next comment going to add to this conversation—is it going to bring us closer, or is it likely to drive us apart?” Asking this very simple question will eliminate a vast majority of unnecessary hurts that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner. It’s important to remember, too, that a hurtful comment inspired by a lack of thinking doesn’t exist in a vacuum. You can imagine that when a person is a victim of an unnecessary hurtful comment, she will usually become at least a little defensive and will probably have a few things to say in response. Invariably, this turns into an argument or some other type of dysfunctional and nonloving interaction. Had our friend’s husband, for example, taken even one second to pay attention to his thoughts before he spoke, he surely would have chosen to say something different—or perhaps nothing at all. Then, instead of hurt feelings and a day of resentment, their time together could have been spent enjoying each other’s company.

This strategy is short and sweet. You can think of it as a “heads up,” or a simple reminder of something that’s obvious on the surface but sometimes easy to forget: It’s really important that we pause for a moment when our partner is finished speaking so that we can, in turn, think before we speak. This is more validation that the essence of having a loving relationship isn’t very complicated. What seems to be most important is that we try to be thoughtful and kind, and that we stay out of our own way, at least most of the time.