Chapter 32
Discover What Part You Are Playing

There are many characteristics that separate truly great relationships from all the others—a loving heart, thoughtfulness, generosity, a lack of jealousy, kindness, shared values, trust, integrity, to name just a few.

Here is another characteristic, however, to add to this illustrious list that is equally important, yet discussed and acknowledged far less often: the willingness and desire to acknowledge your own contributions to your problems. This willingness is so powerful that, combined with a loving heart, you’d be in pretty good shape if you did little else right.

Think about it for a moment. How often do you hear someone say, “Gee, I can really see how I’m contributing to this issue”? I chuckle when I ask the question because the answer is, “Almost never.” What we usually hear instead are comments designed to blame someone else for the problems in our lives and in our relationships. We hear statements like “My partner is too demanding,” “He doesn’t listen to me,” “She is too emotional,” “He doesn’t do his part,” as well as hundreds of other “It’s not my fault” statements and complaints. Unfortunately, this tendency is useless and counterproductive at best—and extremely destructive at worst.

Be honest. Have you ever, even once, heard someone respond to a blaming statement with a positive response? For example, if you say in a blaming or bitter tone, “You’re always picking on me,” can you even imagine your partner saying, “You’re right, honey, I am. Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m going to start working on that tendency right away. I love you so much”?

Not a chance. Instead, you’re likely to get a defensive response—or no response at all, but lots of quiet resentment. In this example, your partner will see you as being unreasonable, as if you’re sweating the small stuff!

It’s entirely different, however, when you strive to see your own contribution to any issues you might be having. Instead of tuning you out or resisting what you have to say, your partner is far more likely to perk up and really listen to your thoughts.

For example, you might reflect on your own tendency to feel “picked on.” You could then say to your partner, “I’m beginning to realize that I have a tendency to get a bit sensitive. It bugs me that I feel picked on by you so much of the time. I’m certainly going to work on it, but what do you think is going on?”

Your willingness to reflect on your own contribution, and your nondefensive attitude, will set forth a positive emotional climate and open the door to a growth-oriented discussion. Your partner is far more likely to see your point and to reflect on your feelings. Maybe he does pick on you too much. Perhaps he didn’t know how you felt. Or, who knows? Maybe you are a little too sensitive.

You will identify solutions in a fraction of the time when you strive to see your part. Obviously this doesn’t mean your partner is perfect, or that there aren’t things he could be doing differently, or habits he could change, or that, even occasionally, it never is all his fault.

It’s not always the case, but usually there are two sides to the issue—both parties contributing in some way to a problem. When neither partner sees their own part, change is difficult, unlikely, or even impossible. However, when either partner sees his or her contribution to a problem, a reasonable solution will usually surface. Give this strategy some thought and your relationship will seem less confusing in no time.