Chapter 37
Don’t Allow Passing Thoughts to Turn into Issues

I could make a case that, in terms of learning to stop sweating the small stuff in your relationships, you’d be in pretty good shape if you mastered nothing other than this single strategy. It’s that powerful and important!

Thousands of thoughts pass through our minds each and every day. These thoughts are made up of our ideas, plans, expectations, and memories, among other things. Some of our thoughts are happy; many are not. We have worries, concerns, hopes, predictions, and for most of us, plenty of confusion. We think about the past and we think about the future.

As thoughts pass through your mind, essentially one of two things can happen. First, your thought can be a passing thought. Most of our thoughts fall into this category. We have so many thoughts throughout the day that it would be impossible, impractical, and extremely confusing to examine each one.

For example, while driving, I might think to myself, “I wonder if Kris remembered to respond to our dinner invitation.” If I don’t take it too seriously and I allow it to pass by, it’s gone as quickly as it arrived. If it seems relevant, I might make a note to call her later in the day to remind her. If not, I’ll probably forget it altogether—or it will come to mind again, at some later time. Then, the next thought pops into my mind.

The other possibility is that I hold that thought in my mind, as if to examine it. I keep it right there “in my face” where I can study it. I give it my undivided attention and attach significance to it. While it’s there in my mind, I might think of examples where Kris was forgetful, times when she assured me that she was going to make a phone call on our behalf, but she didn’t get around to it. Within a matter of seconds, I’m a little irritated. Notice that Kris isn’t even in the car with me—but I’m getting more frustrated at her by the second.

You can probably sense how easy it can be to create an issue over practically anything. All that’s really required is that you continue feeding the thought with your attention. You might speculate that the “forgetfulness” impacts other parts of your relationship, or that there is something wrong with your partner. The problem is, if you don’t see how your own thinking contributes to the issues that frustrate you, then pretty soon your relationship will be filled up with various issues—and it’s always going to seem like it’s your partner’s fault.

On the surface, you might think it’s a little funny that something so minor could negatively impact a relationship. And, in a way, it is. The truth is, however, that while the details are different, this process is extremely common, and to one degree or another, it happens to all of us.

It’s important to note that a person might be in a relationship with someone who is far more forgetful than Kris, yet he doesn’t allow it to bother him. While he doesn’t pretend that his partner isn’t ever forgetful, and while he would prefer that she become less so, he nevertheless doesn’t allow his own thoughts to spiral out of control. Instead, he finds a healthy way to deal with it.

The solution is to be willing to accept the fact that many annoyances are simply passing thoughts that we are taking a little too seriously. The next time you find yourself feeling irritated, check in with your thinking. See whether you might be holding onto something instead of simply dropping it or letting it pass by. If you do, you’ll find that most issues in your relationship will begin to fade away. Of course, if something is truly important, it will most certainly return. In the meantime, instead of struggling with such problems, consider letting them go so that you can spend your energy enjoying each other.