Chapter 41
Choose Peace over Irritation

To this day, I’m often surprised and delighted at the effectiveness of this simple yet powerful strategy. Each time I remember that I have this choice, I’m rewarded with less irritation and frustration, as well as additional moments of relationship harmony.

Every moment, it’s as if we’re at an emotional fork in the road. Something happens, followed by our choice either to react or to respond. Unfortunately, because we usually react so quickly and habitually, it often doesn’t seem as though we have a choice. Our reactions seem to have a life of their own and occur almost instantly, seemingly out of our control. It seems appropriate to act and feel irritated when something happens that you don’t like.

But when you look more carefully, you’ll notice that you really do have a choice. Rather than reacting as you always do, you have the power and the ability to respond differently. And this is very important because, in the absence of your willingness to make this choice, you’ll be frustrated each time your partner proves to be less than perfect.

A friend of mine told me the following story: He had agreed to meet his wife at a department store to do some shopping. This was her idea, not his. Furthermore, he had juggled his day to accommodate her schedule.

The problem was, although he was on time, she wasn’t. He had been waiting almost half an hour and was beginning to “see red.” His mind began to fill with all kinds of negativity—judgments, anger, disappointment, and stress. He began to remember other times she had done something similar. He was getting really irritated.

Then it hit him, as if out the blue. He realized he could continue to fill his mind with negativity and irritation as he had done so many times in the past—or he could choose peace instead. In that moment, it all seemed very simple. It was true that his wife was late, but the irritation was within his own head. He was the one who was suffering. He reminded himself that his own peace and sanity, as well as the quality of his marriage, were far more important than filling his mind with anger and continuing to justify why he “had a right to be angry.” He let go of his irritated thoughts and decided to look around the store, and to wait patiently. He decided not to sweat the small stuff.

Within a few minutes his wife entered the story in a mad rush. She fully expected him to be angry and to give her an annoying lecture. She was shocked at his genuinely calm demeanor. He had chosen peace instead of irritation. Instead of being angry, he was compassionate. Because he was so authentically nondefensive, she apologized and assured him that she was embarrassed to have kept him waiting for so long. Her apology was sincere.

What could easily have turned into a bitter power struggle turned out to be a peaceful afternoon of togetherness and a positive reinforcement of the importance of their relationship. He felt empowered, knowing that he made a loving, peaceful choice instead of succumbing to his normal reactions—and she felt enormous respect and gratitude for her husband’s willingness to let go of her mistake. Because of his choice, the experience brought them closer together.

This same choice exists in virtually any situation. Dozens of times a day, things either go wrong or life turns out to be some way other than you would like it to be in that moment. And whether it’s your partner acting in a way that you don’t like or something else altogether, it’s yet another chance for you to practice letting it go, a chance to choose peace over irritation. This doesn’t mean you’re condoning bad behavior or that you don’t care when things go wrong. It simply means that you’ve decided that being peaceful is the best way of being. There’s no question that if you make this choice as often as possible, both you as an individual and your relationship will benefit greatly.