Chapter 44
Stop Rehearsing Unhappiness

Implementing this strategy can be a little tricky, but once you get the hang of it, it has the power to improve and even transform your relationships. The benefits you enjoy can be powerful and may occur almost immediately.

Here’s an example of how it works: Kelly is driving to see her boyfriend. A memory comes to mind of an argument they had a few weeks ago. As she remembers the incident, she “plays it out again,” almost as if it were happening right there in the car. She realizes that her boyfriend was being unnecessarily stubborn, maybe even a little mean. She remembers his doing something similar at a party last month. Doubt begins to creep into her mind. She begins to wonder if he’s the right guy after all. Within a matter of minutes she’s a little angry, as she thinks to herself, “He’d better not do that again tonight.” By the time she arrives at his apartment, she’s feeling slightly distant; nothing horrible, but enough to make a difference in the way she feels about the evening and about her relationship.

We refer to this type of inner dialogue as a “thought attack” because, in a sense, that’s what it really is—your own thoughts attacking you. We say it’s tricky because, for the most part, you’re not even aware that you’re doing it. Thoughts like these happen so quickly, and so often, that most of us don’t even realize what’s happening. And that’s the real problem! We get lost in our thoughts in much the same way that we might get lost in a movie or in a good book. At times, like Kelly, most of us mistake a few harmless negative thoughts for a serious problem in our relationship. Consequently, rather than dismissing the thoughts and responding to each moment as it arrives, we instead take out our self-created frustration on our partner as if he or she were the real problem. And while it’s possible there is a real problem, our minds have a way of blowing things out of proportion.

A thought attack can be about practically anything and can happen anywhere, at any time—in the shower, while you’re trying to sleep, in an airplane, while walking the dog, as you’re cleaning the house, at work, and elsewhere. Specifically, thought attacks can be about what’s wrong in your relationship, how your needs aren’t being met, or a fear or suspicion that’s on your mind. People have reported to us having thought attacks about the fact that their partner isn’t doing his or her fair share. Others play out worst-case scenarios about pending arguments, the implications of a diminishing sex drive, resentment over a partner’s lack of ability to make an adequate income, or whatever.

We’re certainly not suggesting that thinking about your relationship—your concerns, dreams, issues, or plans—is in any way wrong. In fact, doing so is often important, helpful, and nourishing. There is an enormous difference, however, between intentionally thinking about something—knowing what you’re doing—versus being caught up in your thinking, engaged in a painful thought attack, and not even aware of what’s going on.

The solution is simple, but not easy. All you have to do is catch yourself engaging in these tricky thought attacks. The idea is to see it happening, while it’s happening. You observe yourself as the thinker. Once you see it, the rest is easy. You simply drop the thoughts, dismiss them, and let them go. You might say something like, “Oh, brother, there I go again,” or something like that, some type of simple acknowledgment that you know what you’re doing to yourself. Over time, it becomes much easier and you’ll catch yourself much more quickly. Rather than engaging in a ten-minute inner conversation, you’ll begin to observe it happening seconds after you start. Then, you can decide to think about the issue, or to simply let it go. Rather than being trapped, you’ll have a choice.

Many people have shared with us that this has been the single most helpful insight they have ever had about themselves—the idea that they actually practice being unhappy, or harming their relationship, without even knowing it by mentally “rehearsing unhappiness.” Without the ongoing distraction of negative mental rehearsal, what’s usually left is the love and respect you have for your partner.

Once you begin to nip this problem in the bud, you’ll notice a great deal more peace and happiness showing up in your relationship. Rather than giving significance to your negative thoughts, you can spend that energy thinking about more positive aspects of your relationship. We hope you’ll give this strategy a fair try—it’s fun and extremely effective, and it might just change your life.