Chapter 47
Avoid Correcting Each Other

We were in the lobby of a health club when a woman said to her husband, “See you later, honey. I’ve got to get home because I’d like to make you and the kids that casserole dish you love so much. It takes more than an hour and I want to have plenty of time.” When I heard her say this, I thought to myself, “How thoughtful.” My heart sank, however, when I heard her husband’s response. Without even thinking about it, he fired back, “No it doesn’t—it only takes about fifty minutes.” Ouch.

A week or so later I was in a restaurant when I overheard a man telling a story to his wife and another couple at the table next to us. Obviously I wasn’t paying much attention to the details, but he was talking for quite some time. All I heard was the last sentence, which he said with a satisfied chuckle. His punch line was, “We were just getting ready to leave when about ten people cut in front of us.” It seemed like a good ending to a story and I found myself wishing I’d heard the whole thing. But before their friends had a chance to finish laughing, his wife blurted out, “There weren’t ten people, John, there were only six.”

Obviously these are somewhat obnoxious examples of the tendency many of us have to correct one another, particularly those we are closest to. Yet, we felt they were appropriate because they demonstrate how disrespectful and potentially damaging this habit can be to the quality of a relationship.

In both of these examples, and so many others, the “correction” was absolutely unnecessary. Other than being ignorant to the hurtful effects the correction has on the recipient, and the way it takes the joy out of sharing, the only possible motivation could be an attempt to be outright mean.

The woman in the health club was reaching out to her family. She was taking her valuable time and using it to express her love through her cooking. She was filled with enthusiasm as she proudly shared her plan with her husband. In return, he shot her down! There’s no way to tell why he said what he did. My guess is he meant no harm and didn’t even know he said it. But think about how it must have felt to her. What possible good did his comment make? Even if he was technically correct regarding the cooking time of the casserole, so what? How can being “right” be so much more important than protecting the feelings of someone you love? Rather than feeling appreciated, she probably felt minimized and deflated.

The same holds true with the wife who corrected her husband in front of their friends in the restaurant. Again, if you asked her, I doubt very much she would admit to ruining his story and his enjoyment and making him look a little foolish, on purpose. Instead, it was an innocent jab that took place because she hadn’t taken the time to reflect on the destructive nature of correcting someone. Who cares how many people actually cut him off? What difference does it make?

Obviously, an isolated correction isn’t going to make or break an otherwise nurturing relationship. We’ve all done it more than once. And keep in mind that if your partner corrects you every once in a while, you don’t want to think of it as an emergency! It’s not. Remember, the goal is to stop sweating the small stuff. However, you have to wonder why a person would continue to share stories, dreams, plans, and adventures with someone who was in the habit of correcting them. After a while, if someone you loved kept up the corrections, you’d become cautious and guarded, perhaps even distant.

The lesson here is simple. No one appreciates being corrected. In fact, most people resent it. So, unless there’s a really good reason or you’re dealing with an extremely important issue, it’s a good rule of thumb to keep your corrections to yourself. Your partner will be able to share with you freely and openly, which will help keep your relationship fresh and alive.