Chapter 52
Stop Being So Defensive

If you could eliminate all defensiveness in your personality, you would not only have the best relationship in town but, in fact, you would become the most loving and adorable person on this planet. You’d have so much charisma and charm, you’d be almost irresistible, a virtual magnet for human companionship. People would flock to be in your presence, and you and your partner would live happily ever after.

Let’s be realistic. No one can eliminate all of their defensive reactions; it’s part of being human. Everyone seems to get defensive at least some of the time because no one likes to be criticized, questioned, attacked, judged, lectured, or spoken down to. However, with some gentle effort, we’ve found that it’s relatively easy to make great strides in the direction of becoming less defensive.

As the word suggests, being “defensive” means that we are feeling the need to defend ourselves. Emotionally, we coil up, tighten, and resist the comments (sometimes even the thoughts) that are being directed toward us. We do these things in an attempt to protect ourselves, as part of our built-in “fight or flight” response.

It’s both fortunate and unfortunate that our knee-jerk defensive responses never seem to keep us from feeling hurt, rejected, or insecure. It’s unfortunate because, if they worked, we’d all be feeling pretty secure. We would have a strategy that could keep us from feeling dejected whenever we felt criticized. But if you pay close attention to how you actually feel after any type of defensive response, you’ll notice that you end up feeling even worse. It seems to do nothing more than put salt in the wound.

The good news, however—the “fortunate” side of the failure of defensiveness—is that, because it works so poorly, it tells us there must be a better way. And there is.

The alternative to feeling or acting defensive is called acceptance. Unlike defensiveness, which is like tightening your fist and becoming stubborn, acceptance is like releasing your fist and becoming open and receptive. When you strive for acceptance, you are attempting to receive life—including criticism, comments you disagree with, and all the rest—with a degree of equanimity.

Acceptance is not about becoming a doormat, nor is it about becoming apathetic. Neither is it about changing your most treasured beliefs. Instead, acceptance is about becoming slightly more open and receptive to what others have to say. It’s about becoming less reactive and a better listener.

At first, because it may feel foreign, a more accepting attitude and response to life may be a little difficult. To get started requires a leap of faith—the willingness to try a softer approach. This is one of those beautiful experiences, however, that gets much easier with each attempt. Once you see how much easier your life and your relationships become, you’ll be hooked—you’ll lose your desire to fight back so much.

Once you’re on your way, you’ll find yourself choosing your battles more wisely. When something is truly important or worth defending, you’ll certainly make the effort—but with “small stuff,” you’ll be more inclined to stay a little more detached. When someone lashes out at you—or criticizes you—you’ll remain calm and be able to decide whether or not there is any validity in the comments. You’ll either learn from the experience or you’ll wisely let it go. Either way, it won’t affect you nearly as much as it used to.

There are enormous dividends that come with becoming less defensive. Your partner will respond to your change of heart by being easier to be around—and will probably become less defensive too. In addition, your learning curve will become sharper. Instead of reacting to criticism or suggestions with anger, fear, and withdrawal, you’ll find yourself interested in the other point of view. You’ll have more heart-to-heart conversations and far fewer adversarial conflicts.

Why not give it a try? What have you got to lose, other than a habitual response that interferes with your relationship’s being all that it can be?