Chapter 57
Don’t Continue Doing the Same Things and Expect a Different Result

Our family was visiting an aquarium when we observed a most curious thing. For about fifteen minutes we watched a beautiful sea turtle swim gracefully around a large tank. Each time the turtle would pass by a certain spot, he would bump his fin and part of his head into the glass, in exactly the same way. It was clear that he wasn’t being hurt, but it did appear to an untrained eye as though each time he hit the glass, he was quite surprised.

I once heard someone describe the definition of insanity as “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result.” And while I wouldn’t pretend to know what the turtle was attempting to accomplish, and would therefore never call him insane, there does seem to be a certain logic to that definition when applied to us humans.

How often do we overreact, lash out in frustration, sweat the small stuff, or respond in a knee-jerk manner to someone we love (our partner or potential partner, child, friend, colleague, or parent), and receive, in return, a response we don’t like? Then, the next time we’re frustrated, we use the same response—and we get the same result. Over and over again, we repeat the same mistake. You’d think after thousands and thousands of attempts, we’d get the message. But usually we don’t!

Mary was a bright young women. She had a wonderful sense of humor and was very attractive. She seemed to have everything going for her—health, looks, a great career, ambition, compassion, intelligence, and wit, among other things. When I met her, it seemed as though she had only one visible flaw. She was extremely jealous. She would get into a relationship and all would go well. Then, out of the blue, she would fly into a jealous rage over some really minor thing—her partner would mention an old girlfriend, or talk about a woman friend at work, or indicate his desire to go backpacking alone—or some other equally innocent part of his life. Over and over again, she would frighten her partners away by her reactions. She told me she had been involved in more than a dozen relationships in recent years and that every one of them had broken up under similar circumstances.

Admittedly, hers is an extreme example. Yet, like the rest of us, Mary’s mistake was that she kept expecting (or hoping) for a different response. She told me that, deep down, she longed for a man who wouldn’t make her jealous. She somehow felt that a dramatic reaction on her part would help her partner get into line. It never worked—but she kept trying. She didn’t realize that the problem wasn’t the men she was dating, but her own knee-jerk reactions to their words and behavior.

Happily, as she saw her own contribution to the problem, she was able to make some major adjustments in her responses. To a large degree, she was able to stop doing things the same way. And, at very least, when she reverted to her old behavior, she knew she wasn’t going to get a different result. She was even able to develop a sense of humor about her silly reactions. Needless to say, her relationships improved. (And probably lasted longer, too!)

To one degree or another, we all share this problem. The two of us are certainly no exception. Whether it’s our typical reaction to criticism or suggestions—or the way we fail to listen carefully and instead finish other people’s sentences, or something totally different—there is usually some way that we do the same thing over and over yet expect a different response. By making an honest assessment of your own tendencies, you can nip this problem in the bud. In doing so, your relationships will improve and you’ll save yourself a great deal of frustration.