Chapter 60
Allow Your Partner to Be Human

At the heart of our friendship, love relationship, and marriage is our acceptance of and, in fact, our conscious embracing of the fact that we are two human beings doing the very best that we can. It’s true that we love and respect each other—very much—and we are committed in every sense of the word, till death do us part. Yet, we both understand that, in reality, we’re just two ordinary people. This mutual acceptance of our humanness keeps our relationship rich, loving, alive, nourishing, and interesting.

Sounds remarkably obvious, and it is. Yet, how many couples forget this oh-so-important fact of life? How many of us become angry, jealous, or resentful when our partner turns out to be none other than human? How many of us are more tolerant and patient with complete strangers than we are with our partner? How many of us put near-impossible expectations on our partner that could only be met by someone other than a fellow human? How often do we forget to make allowances in our heart for the fact that our partner is a human being?

Human beings are very complex. We are, as Zorba the Greek once said, “The whole catastrophe.” We make mistakes. We change. At times, we say the wrong thing and disappoint others, including those we love. We often use good judgment, but at other times our judgment is not so good. Some of our decisions are wise; others are not. We have bad moods and bad days, and sometimes we get depressed. We become insecure and lose our way. We don’t always listen well. Most of us sweat the small stuff—in love and elsewhere. We have doubts and fears. And all of us have at least a little bit of self-interest, fear, greed, and lust—if not in our actions, at least in our imaginations. You can pretend that you don’t—you can deny it, you can hide it, perhaps even overcome it—but the truth is, you’re human. Even when you’re completely committed to your partner, you have other concerns and agendas going in your head, and in your life.

When you’re in a love relationship, it’s easy to forget who you’re in the relationship with—a fellow human. You’re not with a perfect person, someone who is incapable of letting you down, someone who has successfully risen above all confusion, or someone who is less human than everyone else.

We’ve known men who resent, even divorce, over things we wouldn’t even think twice about—a partner who questions his judgment, talks to her friends about him, has legitimate passions apart from marriage and family, or who desires to spend time alone, away from her spouse on occasion. But that’s what some women do—they’re human. Why is that wrong? And we’ve known women who go crazy if their boyfriend or husband wants to watch a ballgame or looks at an attractive woman or has a female friend. But these are a few of the things that some guys do—they’re human too.

I suppose the assumption for many people is that once we commit or get married, our partner is no longer allowed to be human. So we make up rules, and when they are broken we go crazy or feel hurt, jealous, or angry. We sabotage our relationship—simply because our partner is human. It’s little wonder so many relationships are lifeless or completely void of honest communication. Who would want to be honest or share with someone who didn’t allow them to be human? Not us.

There are many problems associated with not allowing your partner to be human. We’ve already mentioned the obvious—it’s unrealistic. But more than that, when you don’t allow your partner to be human, you put a wall between each other. If your partner can’t share his or her dreams with you without criticism, they will stop sharing—guaranteed. If you can’t discuss your fears without being lectured, you’ll turn to others who will listen. Indeed, most couples lose their friendships as well as their intimacy, largely because they stop allowing one another to be human. Chances are, they’ll push their partner away—either figuratively or literally.

We’re not talking about putting up with affairs or other destructive behavior. Yet, there is something remarkably freeing and magical about seeing each other as human beings instead of demanding something that isn’t realistic or, we believe, even desirable. It brings back your friendship, shared humanity, and interest in one another. It deepens your bond and, at the same time, keeps you from becoming upset over little things. It enhances your perspective as well as your sense of humor. A question we often ask ourselves and each other is this: “What’s wrong with being human, anyway?” Presumably, that’s why we’re here—to experience being human, to grow, to become more spiritual, to love, and to learn.