Chapter 61
Make Peace with Change

It’s been said that there are only two certainties in life—death and taxes. Not true. A third certainty, one that is constant and must be dealt with on a day-to-day, moment-to-moment basis, is change. And one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your relationship is to be at peace with this fact of life.

Although we often wish it were otherwise, nothing stays the same. Our bodies change, as does our health. We can fight it, but change continues. Our moods change, almost constantly, as do our perceptions. One moment we feel inspired and loving—then, out of the blue, we experience doubt or fear. A few hours later, we’re back on track.

Our relationship is always changing as well. One day, our partner says something really nice and everything seems fine. We feel grateful to be in our relationship. Other days, our partner says something wrong or fails to live up to an expectation. We become furious and may even wonder why we are with our partner.

When you resist change, you’re never more than a moment away from disappointment. Whether you know it or not, you’re always on guard because you’re either trying to keep things the same if you like what you’re experiencing—or you’re fighting to make things different.

There is tremendous freedom that comes with the acceptance of change. Embracing change means that you stop demanding that life be other than it really is in this moment. For example, rather than becoming despondent or annoyed when your partner says the wrong thing, makes a mistake, or is crabby or irritable, you are able to take it in stride. You know that this will happen thousands of times during the course of your relationship. And that’s okay, because you also know that the good times and the good feelings will return. In other words, you enjoy and cherish the good times, the happy moments, but you don’t hold onto them too tightly. You know that nothing lasts forever—including the wonderful feelings that exist when everything is just right. You treasure your shared laughter and your mutual feelings of closeness, but when the mood changes, you don’t lose your perspective—or your love for your partner.

So many popular love songs include messages like “Things will never change,” “I’ll always feel this way for you,” “I will always love you just like this,” or “Make this moment last forever.” It’s sung in many different (often beautiful) ways, but the essence is the hope and dream that those passionate and loving feelings will always remain.

It seems to us that one of the reasons many people become so dissatisfied with their relationship is for just this reason. They do feel love for someone, and it’s wonderful. But when the feelings change or shift, panic or at least disappointment sets in. There is a sense that “Hey, this isn’t the way I want things to be,” or “Things are different. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” As a result, they either become very unhappy and settle for that state of mind, or they begin to look for someone else.

It doesn’t have to be like that. When you embrace rather than resist change, you begin to accept and usually enjoy each moment as it arises. You spend less energy judging the moment and demanding that it be different—e.g., “I don’t like this”—and more energy simply experiencing it. You begin to understand that your relationship is a series of moments—tens of thousands of them—and those moments are constantly changing. Many will be happy moments and others will not. This doesn’t mean you don’t prefer the happy ones—we all do—only that you’re not willing to fight a losing battle.

You can imagine how much more at ease your partner will become when he or she feels loved and accepted all the time, instead of only when he or she is behaving according to your plan! There’s no question about it, the acceptance of change will bring peace and harmony into every aspect of your relationship.