Chapter 62
Don’t Overanalyze the Flaws

In Stategy #61, we referred to the fact that there are a few certainties in life—death and taxes among them. There is at least one additional item, however, that can be added to this very short list of certainties: If you overanalyze the flaws of your partner, you will be successful in identifying them. You’ll be able to convince yourself that your partner has some serious work to do! In other words, if you look carefully enough, you will succeed in validating the fact that your partner—the person you love—is riddled with flaws. Invariably, your clever detective work will lead to serious doubts and resentments regarding your relationship. The more you analyze, the more likely it will be that you’ll fall into the “analysis paralysis” trap—the tendency to overuse your thinking.

The problem with this almost insidious tendency is that it virtually guarantees that your relationship will suffer. Let’s face it. Most of us are pretty bright individuals. When we look for something—i.e., think about it enough—we will almost always find and validate what we’re looking for.

We’ve known people over the years who felt their relationship was basically very solid and loving. They decided, however, that seeing a good therapist or marriage counselor might be a good idea to help them grow together. What happened, however, was that the therapist encouraged them to analyze and ponder their “issues.” They did, and almost ended up divorced.

Please don’t misunderstand me; I have nothing against therapists. In fact, many are friends of mine whom I respect greatly. There are many times when therapy can be enormously helpful and, in fact, can often save marriages or struggling relationships. However, the one aspect of counseling that you may want to be cautious about is the tendency to overanalyze things that are bothering you. You’ll notice, if you reflect carefully, that whenever you overanalyze anything that bothers you, you’ll end up a little discouraged, frustrated, or angry. At an absolute minimum, you’ll be sweating the small stuff—big time! I think you’ll agree that these are not feelings that are ideally suited to bring forth greater love in your relationship.

The next time you find yourself overanalyzing your relationship, see if you can back off—just a little. Ask yourself the question, “Am I really upset about my partner—or is the fact that I’m totally caught up in my thinking contributing to my unloving feelings?” You may be amazed at what you discover! As you back off of your analytical thinking—even a little bit—your irritation will begin to diminish and your love will return. You’ll discover that if something is truly significant, it will still be there to discuss and think about after you’ve given it a fair chance to dissolve. So, our suggestion is this: Stop overanalyzing your partner’s flaws, and there will be fewer to contend with.