Chapter 66
Ask for “Dream Updates”

Are you aware of your partner’s dreams—what he or she really wants out of life? Do you know what her secret fantasies are—what she sees herself doing, her ideal life, what would make her feel complete? Are you sure? Or are you simply assuming that you know? Have you asked? If so, when was the last time?

It seems to us that many people have virtually no idea, beyond the superficial, of what their partner’s personal dreams really are. Sure, most people are able to say things like, “He wants financial security,” or “She wants to be a mother.” But beyond these almost universal preferences, an awareness—or sense of caring—for a partner’s dreams seems to stop. This tendency seems to increase in direct proportion to the length of a relationship. When you first fall in love, you zero in on your partner’s dreams. As time goes by, however, they fade into the background, until at some point they all but disappear.

Obviously there are many aspects to a relationship. From the perspective of feeling connected, however, one of the most enjoyable and nourishing is the sharing—back and forth—of dreams. There is something so rich and pleasurable about telling someone your vision, what you’d like to do, where you would like to go, and the contributions you’d like to make. And when the person you’re sharing with is “right there with you,” sharing your dreams, truly listening with interest and respect, your dreams come alive and your shared experience can be almost magical. There’s no question that this type of interaction helps to connect two people. And, luckily, it can also help to reconnect two people who may have lost sight of their partner’s dreams.

Over the years, we’ve spoken to dozens of people who have had extramarital affairs, left or divorced their spouse, or simply lost interest in the relationship altogether. When asked the question, “Why do you think it happened?” in almost every instance, the person included in their answer, “The (new) person listened to me—he (or she) was genuinely interested in my dreams, and in what I had to say.”

In no way are we excusing unfaithful behavior or placing the blame on a spouse or partner who has been faithful. To do so would be irresponsible. We are, however, attempting to point out how powerful the need to be “heard” and listened to really is. And, as importantly, how destructive it is when this need isn’t being met.

When a person feels comfortable sharing their dreams—when they are asked to share them—there is a degree of safety, satisfaction, and aliveness that is felt and experienced. Conversely, when a person doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her dreams—when she is never asked—there is often a feeling that something is missing.

The idea of asking for dream updates is a powerful strategy because whether or not the dream comes true is less relevant than the fact that your partner knows and cares what you want. Let’s face reality: None of us can have everything we want. Yet, it’s really nice to be able to share our dreams—and to know that someone else shares them with us.

Asking for dream updates can bring the magic back to your relationship. Everyone loves to share his or her dreams. So, starting today, make it a point to ask your partner for a dream update. You’ll be contributing to making her dreams come true.