It’s understandable that, for many people, this can be a somewhat frightening experience. The fear, of course, lies in discovering what you might find out—or what your partner might say to you, given the permission to speak his or her mind. Obviously, you may already know, or at least have a really strong suspicion of what bugs your partner, so the answer may not be much of a surprise. However, asking the question is entirely different from receiving unsolicited lectures or requests from your partner.
Clearly, this strategy does require an openness as well as some degree of courage and humility. However, despite any initial discomfort you may feel, it’s almost always worth the effort, and won’t be nearly as difficult as you imagine it to be. Instead, the question tends to bring forth openness, insightful communication, and ultimately a feeling of gratitude. After all, almost everyone appreciates a partner who is actively trying to improve the relationship.
This is a true shortcut to a better relationship. It’s important to acknowledge the fact that, whether or not you choose to ask this question, there are things about you that bug your partner. In other words, either way, the issue is there—either silently or out in the open. You can try to keep it buried—but usually that creates resentment. In other words, if you remain silent, your partner is still going to have to live with whatever it is that bugs her. If you ask the question, then at least you’ll know what it is that bugs her, and you’ll have the opportunity to make an adjustment.
It’s interesting to observe what happens to another person’s dissatisfaction when you allow, even encourage, them the privilege of getting whatever it is that concerns them off their chest. Often, when you sincerely and nondefensively want to know the answer, it will take the edge or “sting” off of the issue. When you are willing to look at your issues instead of resisting or denying them, your partner will sense your sincere desire to work toward positive change. He or she will, in turn, tend to become less defensive and reactive around the issue, and will often be able to discuss the subject in an unheated, even loving manner. In other words, it will be harder for them to “sweat” what’s bothering them when they are aware of your efforts to curb it.
Several years ago, Kris and I were walking hand in hand through a beautiful beach town in northern California. The feeling between us was loving, and I was feeling secure. That was the first time that it had ever occurred to me to ask this question—and I did. To my delight, Kris thought it was a “sweet” thing to ask. After reflecting for a few moments, she said to me, “Do you know what really bugs me about you?” She paused for a moment and then continued. “You’re really difficult to be around the day you pay your bills.” She went on to say, in effect, that I get short-tempered and easily bothered, and I feel sorry for myself just about every time I sit down to write a check.
I was relieved to know that, of the thousands of things she probably could have said, she choose something relatively minor! Nevertheless, because I genuinely wanted to know what bothered her about me, it was easy to accept and I could see exactly what she meant. As I thought about it, it was clear that my entire personality would go through a negative transformation each time I sat down to pay my bills. Without feeling the slightest bit defensive, I thanked her for sharing with me and made a silent commitment to be more aware of this tendency in the future.
Again, it’s obvious that this was a relatively minor issue. However, Kris had brought to my attention something that was completely invisible to me—my reaction to paying bills had become a bad habit that was adversely affecting the way she felt around me. I was sweating the small stuff. I had no idea that my entire personality and mood would change before, during, and after paying bills—but she was absolutely right. Because I now knew how this issue was affecting her, it was relatively easy over the ensuing months to make an adjustment in my attitude and to make life around our home a little more peaceful during bill-paying times.
We encourage you to experiment with this strategy. Your partner may share with you something minor, or something more serious. Either way, you’ll get it out in the open in a nondefensive environment and you’ll have the chance to make whatever it is a “nonissue.” If all goes well, perhaps your partner may even ask you for your feedback, as well. If that turns out not to be the case, however, that’s okay too. Whatever you do, don’t demand reciprocation. If you do, your partner will probably have one more issue to discuss with you next time you ask this question.