Chapter 72
Don’t Question Her (or His) Motives

For many of us, one of the nicest things about growing up is that you are free, within reason, to make your own decisions. There is something so nourishing and rewarding about making a decision, feeling good about it, and feeling supported, or at least “unhassled” about that decision. For example, if you decide, “I’d like to spend a day this next weekend alone,” it’s rewarding and reinforces the joy of the decision if that decision is honored by your partner. The same is true whether your decision has to do with something you want to do or something you’ve already done; a dream or a plan that you’re pursuing; a course you wish to take; a direction you’re headed; a hobby you wish to pursue; the dish you’ve decided to prepare for dinner; or practically anything else.

It’s something else, altogether, however, if you have to explain or defend your decision. If your partner says, “Why do you have to do that?” or “Shouldn’t you be spending your time doing something different?” having to explain yourself takes the wind out of your sails—and your plans. It turns something satisfying into something stressful. Instead of feeling unconditionally supported, you feel as though you’re on trial.

We were at the beach when I overheard a woman telling her husband she was going to have lunch with an old girlfriend. His response speaks to the essence of this strategy. In a condescending tone he said, “Why are you going to spend your time with her?” It was obvious that he disapproved and was questioning her motives. As you might guess, she began defending her decision. In a matter of seconds, they went from having a quiet, relaxing afternoon on the beach to having a stressful and highly defensive interaction, most likely ruining the remainder of their day. Quite frankly, it was awful even being around them. What makes this type of story so sad is that it’s absolutely unnecessary.

Can you imagine how much more respect and love this woman would have for her husband had he simply said, “That sounds like fun,” or “Good for you”? She would have felt great and probably would have continued sharing her life and her decisions with her husband. After all, it wasn’t his choice—it was hers. Even if for some strange reason he didn’t think it was in her best interest, so what? She had already made the decision. It was hers to live with—not his.

When you question someone’s motives, especially when they are obviously innocent, you are making the statement, “I don’t have enough respect for you to allow you to make your own decisions. You must clear them with me so that I can give you my approval or disapproval.”

You only have to read this strategy to get the point—questioning your partners’s motives on a regular basis is a surefire way to interfere with an otherwise loving relationship. Truthfully, it’s an ugly quality that is never appreciated.

Obviously, an occasional questioning comment isn’t going to make or break your connection. But if you’re in the habit of questioning the motives of your partner, it might be a good idea to see the wisdom of breaking this habit, once and for all. Probably the best way to break it is to convince yourself of how selfish it really is. Questioning the motives of your partner sends the message that, deep down, you don’t trust, respect, or approve of the decisions your partner is making. It implies that your partner isn’t wise enough to make good decisions. Further, it encourages highly defensive reactions and takes much of the joy out of sharing.

Obviously, we’re not talking about never questioning a motive. If something truly involves you or your relationship, or if it’s really important, that’s a different matter. We’re talking about little, daily stuff.

We encourage you to give this strategy some serious consideration. You’ll be amazed at how much more open and lighthearted your partner will become if you simply stop questioning his or her motives. Rather than questioning her motives, share in her enthusiasm. It’s so enjoyable to share with someone who allows you to do so freely, without question. If you give this a try, you’ll be forever glad you did.