Chapter 73
Graciously Receive Compliments

In an earlier strategy, we discussed the importance of dishing out regular compliments. This strategy deals with the flip side of that issue.

A number of years ago I was listening to a radio talk show when the guest, an expert on relationships, alluded to the fact that one of the saddest mistakes people make in relationships is the failure to receive compliments. This was a little surprising because most of the people I give compliments to are able to receive kind words easily and gracefully. And, for the most part, I feel pretty comfortable with this part of life as well.

Yet, because the guest on the show sounded convincing and as if he knew what he was talking about, I decided to verify his comments for myself. I started by asking people—both compliment givers and compliment receivers. Both groups of people overwhelmingly supported the expert’s conclusion that, in reality, most of us are really bad when it comes to receiving a compliment. Over the past decade, I’ve listened to many people receive compliments and in doing so, I, too, have come to the same conclusion.

I’m not sure exactly what it is. Some of us feel a little shy, awkward, or embarrassed when someone gives us a compliment. We might respond by lowering our head, blushing, or saying something to minimize the kind words. For example, when someone says, “You’re really good at that,” you might say something like, “Not really,” or “I’m not as good as you think.” Or you’ll give some explanation to downplay the compliment: “I got really lucky,” or “I only won because the other person was sick.”

Another way we sometimes deflect a compliment is to turn it around—as if to make the compliment about the other person. So, in response to the statement, “You look really nice today,” you might say, “Not as nice as you.”

On the surface, responding to compliments in ways such as these would seem harmless. After all, you’re being humble and humility is certainly a wonderful quality. When you take a closer look, however, you’ll notice that while you are indeed being humble and certainly intending no harm, you are not being very gracious. In fact, responding to compliments in this way can be a little insulting and might even hurt the feelings of the compliment giver.

It takes thoughtfulness, courage, and kindness to give someone a genuine, heartfelt compliment. So, when someone rejects your compliment, however unintentionally, it hurts. And while it’s not so horrible that your partner is likely to say anything, it’s nevertheless a little deflating. It sends the wrong kind of silent message. Instead of affirming your appreciation to your partner and acknowledging the gesture in a positive way, it either says, “You’re wrong,” or “I don’t really deserve the compliment.” Either way, it’s a bit of a putdown.

Remember, it’s fun to dish out compliments. When you’re excited or proud about something your partner has done, it’s rewarding to share your enthusiasm. When you aren’t gracious, however, you rob your partner of that enjoyment. Instead of encouraging further compliments, you reduce the likelihood because you’ve taken the fun out of the giving.

This is an easy problem to solve. The trick is to think less about what the compliment says about you—and more about what it means to the person giving it to you. When you do, you’ll probably find it much easier and more natural to graciously receive your compliments.