Chapter 75
Avoid Absolute Statements (of a Negative Nature)

When we’ve asked people what bugs them most about their partner, a consistent reply has to do with what might be called “absolute statements.” These harsh statements tend to put people into a box, paint them into a corner by defining them in an extremely narrow way. You’ll probably agree that, by and large, most people don’t appreciate being labeled in absolute ways. It comes across as unfair and judgmental. In fact, many consider it to be quite insulting. The only exception to this rule, of course, is when the statement is of a positive nature. For example, if you say to your partner, “You’re always so thoughtful,” this is obviously a different story—a positive version of an absolute statement.

Absolute statements are those that use words like “always, never, worthless, nothing,” and so forth. Examples of absolute statements include, “You always say the wrong thing,” “You always come home too late,” “You never spend any time with the kids,” “You never listen to my words,” “Your contribution is worthless,” “You do nothing to help,” and so forth. Any statement that defines a person or explains his or her contribution in a narrow, absolute way falls into this category.

There are two very important and logical reasons to never again use these types of statements. First, as just mentioned, absolute statements can be insulting and hurtful as they are almost never accurate. We knew a man, for example, whose wife was constantly accusing him of “never” listening to her. Although, like most of the rest of us, he could improve in this area, her harsh accusations were grossly exaggerated. Both of us had seen him around her on several occasions and I can honestly say he was at least average in his listening skills. In fact, it appeared as though he may have been a better listener than she was. Furthermore, he was genuinely trying to be a better listener and, in fact, had taken a course in effective listening. In my view, her absolute statements were far more detrimental to their relationship than his lack of listening skills.

Think about how you would feel if your partner said to you, “You never help around the house.” In all likelihood, unless you were truly a lazy slob, you’d be either hurt, annoyed, or defensive. Maybe you aren’t the best house cleaner in the world, and maybe you should be more conscientious in this area, but if you are making any effort whatsoever, your partner’s words will probably be received as a stab in the back, and as an untruthful jab.

The other reason it’s so important not to use absolute statements is that they encourage your partner to do (or not do) the very things you are objecting to. After all, you’ve already shared your negative perspective with your partner, given him or her a negative and lazy reputation to live up to. So why in the world would they want to cooperate now? You’re not going to give them credit, even if they do.

Once you see the compelling logic of avoiding absolute statements, the habit is relatively easy to break. If you’re frustrated with your partner, a gentler and less extreme approach will almost always be better received—and will probably get you a better result. So, whenever possible, stay away from absolute statements. Doing so will serve your relationship well.